


If Thou Be'st Born To Strange Sights

by Hekate1308



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Howl's Moving Castle - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Discworld Fusion, Alternate Universe - Howl's Moving Castle Fusion, Crossover, Elves, F/M, Gen, Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 72,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hekate1308/pseuds/Hekate1308
Summary: It was a normal day in Ingary, until a door appeared out of nowhere and whisked Sophie and Calcifer away to a flat world sitting on the back of four elephants standing on a turtle. Faced with a threat unlike either of them had to deal with before, a rather happy tourist by the name of Calcifer, and a very outspoken witch called Granny Weatherwax, they would have to struggle through to find a way home.Meanwhile, Howl not only had to find out how to get his wife and friend back, but also deal with a rather downtrodden and cowardly wizard named Rincewind. Would they all succeed in finding their way back to the world they belonged to?
Relationships: Howl Pendragon & Rincewind, Megan Jenkins/Rincewind, Rincewind & Twoflower, Sophie Hatter & Granny Weatherwax, Sophie Hatter/Howl Pendragon
Comments: 57
Kudos: 28





	1. In Which A Door Appears And Several People Vanish

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this off and on for one and a half years now, and I can't believe I finally get to post it. This is very much based on the book version of Howl's Moving Castle - I just wanted to bring some of my favourite characters together. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, I couldn't quite get the footnotes to work, but at least there are footnotes. Hope you enjoy anyway!

Great A’Tuin is flying through space. It is thinking, it is thinking all the time, but the thoughts are slow thoughts.

No one really knows what A’Tuin is thinking about, or whether the four elephants on which backs the Discworld is lying are thinkers as well [*](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) .

All of this is uncertain.

What is certain, however, is that there are more worlds than one. And not all are flat…

What is most important to know is that those worlds are connected, because deep down, everything is. No man is an island.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) There are points where worlds touch and worlds collide and even communicate, even though many people aren’t aware of it.

And sometimes, things want to go from one world to the other for a very specific and bad reason, and that’s when the trouble starts.

As it did once, a short time and yet forever ago…

**Ingary**

“I will ask you exactly _one last time_ ” Howl declared, drawing himself up to his full height (which, despite what Sophie said, _did_ exceed six feet). “Where are my wife and my fire demon?”

Granted, Calcifer wouldn’t have liked to be called such, but then, he wasn’t here.

“I don’t know!” the man exclaimed. “And I have been trying to tell you! I only opened a door because the Archchancellor wanted me to –“

“What Archchancellor?” Howl demanded to know with all the authority he could muster.

“The one from Unseen University!”

Howl had been to his fair share of universities, but he had never heard of an invisible one. “What?”

“Unseen University? In Ankh-Morpork?”

“You seem to have lost me, my good sir.”

* * *

It was then that Rincewind knew he was in trouble. Ankh-Morpork was the biggest city in the world. Even people in Klatch knew what and where it was.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) Add to this that it was quite frankly rather unlikely that anyone would forget about something like Ankh-Morpork, and he didn’t like the implications of it all even a little bit. “Could you please tell me” he said very slowly, “where I am?”

The man, whose hair was much _too_ blond to be his natural colour, started looking impatient, which in Rincewind’s experience was never a good thing. “I am the wizard Howl. This is my castle.”

“But in which part of the country am I? Because I certainly don’t know about the wife or fire demon you speak of, so it may be a good idea to tell me –“

“Ingary. You are in Ingary.”

And that was when Rincewind realised that he wasn’t just in trouble; no, trouble had left the room several minutes ago to make room for his crazy and more dangerous big brother, Trouble.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D). Because if there was one thing he’d always been good at, apart from his knack for languages, it was geography. That was just necessary when one tended to suddenly turn up in unfamiliar places.

But he had never heard of Ingary.

And then another suspicion darted into his mind. During one of his many adventures with Twoflower (not that he had been a willing participant) he had turned into another version of himself, just for a moment, and that meant that it was entirely possible that there were other worlds out there –

No. Not just entirely possible. There _were_ other worlds out there. He had watched the birth of quite a few, right before Twoflower had decided to go home.

“Are you telling me I am not on the Disc anymore?”

The blank-eyed stare of the man who, at least judging by Rincewind’s experience, believed he was more handsome than he actually was, told him everything he needed to know. “I don’t know what the Discworld is.”

“I happen to live there!”

“You’re speaking English!”

He blinked. “I don’t think –“ And then he took a deep breath, summoned every last bit of magic there was in him – not that there was a lot – and _listened_. Wizards, even bad ones like him, had the gift or, as he had often considered it, the curse of seeing, of perceiving things as they truly were; this had to include hearing things as they were too –

“Let me just –“ Those three words were enough. He had never heard the language that had just passed his lips, and yet he knew exactly what he was saying, and he understood the man as well. “That’s not my native language.”

“Are you telling me you are speaking a language you are not familiar with?” the man protested.

“Yes! If you really are a wizard, you must know that such things are possible!” Now Rincewind felt slightly irritated. He had met his fair share of wizards, was even entitled to call himself one, even if he had to write the word _Wizzard_ on his hat to prove the fact, and this man did not strike him as particularly wizard-y. For one, he was way too thin. He wouldn’t have lasted through even the first breakfast at the University.

“Oh” the man exclaimed, sweeping his coat behind himself with a very elegant gesture he had no doubt practiced in front of a mirror for hours “I am most definitely a wizard. And it seems that you haven’t heard of something like this happening before either.”

Annoyingly enough, he was right. Rincewind took a deep breath. The problem with turning up somewhere unfamiliar was usually that he had no idea where to run, and in this case, it was even _worse_ than usual, because he couldn’t even trust that the world he’d shown up in functioned like the one he was accustomed to.

At least he didn’t have to learn the language. Must have something to do with the door that had remained firmly shut, no matter how often Howl had tried to wrench it open.

Several creative insults in this new language came to his mind and, deciding he couldn’t very well make things worse, he used them. If he ever saw Ridcully again, he would – well, he would run away from him and shout several things as he did so. Very nasty things.

Or maybe not. The Archchancellor was well known for taking his morning jog, so he could probably overtake him.

“I didn’t know that curse, but I am inclined to agree.” Howl threw himself on the bench in a manner that Rincewind would have called overly dramatic, and he considered himself an expert on the subject. “My wife is gone – and my fire demon too! What am I supposed to do? When her –“ He jumped up again, his eyes wide. “Oh dear God, her sisters” he groaned. “We need to get them back quickly, or else.”

“Or else what?” Rincewind rather liked to be informed of the exact nature of the thing that was about to try and kill him. After all, he was something of a connoisseur.

“Have you ever flown through a storm while lightning was going down around you and a dragon flew behind, trying to kill you?”

“Not exactly, but now that you mention the dragons…” Rincewind said carefully.

“Well” Howl answered, going to a cupboard and dragging out a bottle that struck Rincewind as being of the alcoholic variety, “Let’s just say that would probably be easier than dealing with Lettie and Martha.”

**Somewhere on Discworld**

“But doors just don’t appear out of thin air! That’s not how it works!” Sophie exclaimed once more.

Calcifer sighed. “It did, and now we’re stuck here.”

“We don’t even know where _here_ is!”

The fire demon took a breath. Sophie knew that normally wasn’t a good sign. It meant she was about to hear something she really didn’t want to. “I know one thing. We’re not at home anymore.”

“So we’re in _Porthaven_ , or –“

“Sophie” he interrupted her. “I am afraid we are in a different world altogether.”

“How can you tell!?”

“I just can. This is not the sky I fell out of.” Calcifer looked up, and she did the same. It didn’t look any different than the sky she saw every day, but she would have to trust him when it came to this.

“But then where could we possibly be?”

“There are many different worlds. Remember where Howl comes from?”

“Wales” Sophie said with a scowl. She and Megan simply didn’t get on. Howl’s sister was frustratingly naïve when it came to certain things – imagine thinking magic was a bad thing, an unnatural thing! As if it was more dangerous than those horseless carriages Howl kept calling cars. At least you knew where you were with magic.

Usually.

She surveyed the woods they’d found themselves in again. “So we are not in Ingary. But you can’t say where we are, exactly?”

“No.”

Well, it was _something_ ; not something she had liked to hear, as she had known, but still…

“Howl will be worried” she said.

Calcifer did something that would have been called a shrug if he’d had shoulders. “Right now he is probably hiding from your sisters.”

“Oh dear, Lettie and Martha will be climbing up the walls! And Fanny won’t be too pleased, either.” Sophie walked up to a tree and started knocking on it. “Hey, you! We need information!”

“What makes you think that –“

“Where are we? And how do we get back home?”

“Sophie, I don’t think screaming and shouting at things while knocking at them at the same time is going to –“

“It works back home!”

At least normally things did what she wanted, then, as she had learned rather abruptly when she had saved her then not-yet husband and the fire demon.

“So you are going to tell me” she continued undeterred “Where we are and why we are here and how we get back home –“

“I am afraid I only know the answer to one of those questions” a cheerful voice called out. “You are near Vinchen, the smallest empire in the world, which is not too far from Ankh-Morpork, but you would never guess because they don’t trade with anyone and in fact have rather strict rules about who is allowed to leave and when –“

By this time, Sophie and Calcifer had realized that it wasn’t the tree who was talking, but a small bespectacled man who was sitting one of its branches.

“What are you doing up there?” Sophie asked.

“I was on my way to Ankh-Morpork – I wanted to see if I could catch up with an old friend – but then a wolf came along, so I climbed up here. I only realized that I had no idea how to get back down when it grew bored and trotted off” he told them, smiling brightly. “But I am sure it will come to me.”

Sophie and Calcifer looked at one another. Then she turned back to the tree. “Alright, if you don’t talk, you can at least lower the branch where –“ She looked up. “What is your name?”

“Twoflower.”

“You can at least lower the branch Twoflower is sitting on” she said firmly.

The tree sadly didn’t oblige, but with Calcifer floating up (and complaining about it the whole time, as if it was a chore to him when it usually wouldn’t have been) and telling him what to do, soon enough the little man was standing in front of them, smiling pleasantly. “Thank you. I was growing rather uncomfortable with sitting on the tree.”

“How long have you been up there, anyway?” Sophie asked.

“Two days.”

“Two days!?”

“I knew something or someone would come along to help me. That’s what usually happens” he said happily. Sophie was beginning to wonder if he always did things happily.

“Alright, Twoflower” Calcifer said, “Now that we –“

“Oh dear, I didn’t get a good look at you before, with being busy with the tree, but what _are_ you?” Twoflower asked suddenly. “You appear to be just… well made of flames, my good sir.”

“He’s a fire demon” Sophie answered.

“Oh, I have never seen one of those before! Heard of them, naturally, but –“

So at least they had landed in a world that made sense, unlike Wales, Sophie thought. “Yes, well, Calcifer is…” she trailed off, failing to find a way to adequately explain that he had originally been a falling star who had taken her husband’s heart to try and survive after landing on earth, and how they had both almost died because of it. “He’s family.” It seemed to be the best thing to say.

“That’s nice.”

Twoflower probably found everything nice. He seemed like that sort of person.

“Yes, so we just landed here through magic –“ She figured if there were fire demons in this world, then magic should be too, and Twoflower didn’t look surprised. “And now we’re trying to get back home.”

“You can always accompany me” he said. “Granted, if we want to take the fastest route, we have to get through Vinchen first, but once we’ve done that, it’s not a far voyage to Ankh-Morpork, and that’s where Rincewind lives.”

“Who is Rincewind?” Sophie asked.

Twoflower drew himself up to his full height, which wasn’t very impressive. “Rincewind is a very powerful _Wizzard_ and a close personal friend of mine. We have been on many adventures together. He is amazing. A most noble wizard, clever and daring, always ready to do the right thing and help the helpless…”

Sophie thought about all of this for a moment, then said, “It’s a good thing he and Howl will never meet. They are polar opposites.”

[*] As opposed to elephants in the Roundworld. As no doubt anyone who has ever come across an angry bee hive will tell you, any species that has a specific noise for "There are bees here we need to leave" is, obviously, a thinking one.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]There have, though, due to the existence of trolls, been those who’ve claimed that on Discworld, some men are rocks.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Not to mention that, once upon a time, he had met the Discworld’s first tourist who had come from even farther away, but proved to be just as annoying and dangerous as his compatriots.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Capitalisation is important in such matters. For example, there is a distinct difference between reading a book and reading the Book, mostly because it implies there are no other books around and you really really have to hope it’s a good one.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)


	2. In Which Many Questions Are Asked, and Some Answers Are Given

**A short time ago – Ingary**

It was a rather normal day in the land of Ingary, where being born one of three siblings undeniably meant that one was chosen for greatness or failure, where falling into a well usually led to having to help making it snow in winter, where a princess who never smiled was certain to eventually marry a farmer who had made her laugh.

The residents of Kingsbury had grown too used to the fights that were now and then occurring in the abode of the wizard Howl and his wife, the fearsome witch Sophie.

And so, most of them ignored the sounds that were emitting from the castle.

“HOWL!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?”

**A short time ago – Ankh-Morpork**

Rincewind considered himself as something of an expert when it came to catastrophes and dangerous situations, mostly in how to avoid or get out of them. The answer was usually running, occasionally lying and screaming.

Sometimes he wondered if he never should have returned to Unseen University if he wanted to avoid them altogether, but then he reminded himself that things simply kept happening to him no matter where he was or what he was doing. Not even spending six months on a tropical island had changed their habit of sneaking up on him and dragging him right into the middle of them, his protests falling on deaf ears.

So, really, he wasn’t surprised when one day as he was busy cataloguing the books the librarian ran up to him. Being an orangutan, the sight could and would have made men made of stronger stuff than Rincewind[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)shake in their boots, but he was used to it, so he was only slightly terrified as he wondered if he had perhaps put a book back into the wrong place. The librarian didn’t like that.

He came to a halt in front of him and pronounced the word he pronounced on such, or all, occasions. “Ook!”

Good God, not now. Things had calmed down for once –

Of course. _Of course._ That was why something was happening now. He should have known.

“And you say it just appeared?” he asked tiredly.

“Ook!”

“But what does that have to do with –“

“Ook!”

If the Archchancellor wanted him there, there was nothing he could do about it. Mostly because no one could do anything about Mustrum Ridcully once he had made up his mind.

And so Rincewind straightened his hat with the word _Wizzard_ on it and followed the librarian.

**A short time ago – Ingary**

“But you _have_ to know what it is” Sophie argued. “You studied wizardry!”

“I never heard about something like this!” Howl wailed, throwing himself on the bench in the kitchen of his castle and feeling rather ill-used. “I am _not_ responsible for the ignorance of those who were supposed to teach me!”

Sophie reeled around and pointed at the fire demon in the hearth. “What about you? You were a falling star!”

“I didn’t see something like that in Heaven” Calcifer pronounced, sounding rather grumpy. “There is no need to shout at me.”

“I will shout for as long as I have reason to!” Sophie pointed at the door that had appeared in the middle of the kitchen again. “I won’t have this in the house! Away with you!”

But, frustratingly, it showed no signs of obeying her.

The door – the one to the castle, not the new one – opened and Michael peeped in. The apprentice had obviously been sent to figure out what had happened. It was also obvious he’d rather not have been there. “Martha sent me to ask –“

“Michael! Did you ever read about something like this in any of Howl’s books?”

“I have read them too, you know” her husband announced, feeling rather obviously put out.

“Apparently not thoroughly enough! What’s it good to be a powerful wizard if you cannot explain strange things happening?”

“I can explain the strange things that _I_ do perfectly well. This just… happened.”

“So you say” she said.

“Will you stop that!” Howl exclaimed, sprawling on the bench. “I was just trying to make a potion and suddenly a door I have never seen before pops up!”

“I’ll just tell Martha, then…” Michael said and dashed back through the back door before Sophie could call out for him.

“Oh, men!”

Calcifer left his accustomed spot on the fireplace and floated over to the door. “it’s magical.”

“Oh, that solves everything!”

“Sophie!”

“I won’t have random doors appearing! We have quite enough of those! Howl, you come here this minute!”

He sighed rather dramatically and got ready to leave the bench when it happened.

**A short time ago – Discworld**

“You want me to do what?” Rincewind asked again.

“Well, we need someone to open the door and see what’s on the other side, man!” Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University, was beaming at him.

“But why should we open it?”

“Because that’s what doors are _for_! What would the world come to if we just left doors unopened?”

“Archchancellor” Ponder Stibbons, who liked to think of himself as the one sane member of the faculty, tried, “I do seem to recall the time you decided to open the door to the bathroom built by –“

The withering look he received made him reconsider and decide to explain for what he thought was the sixth, but was actually the seventh time. “I did ask Hex[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D), and it said –“

“Now don’t tell me all about your theories again. Just explain, Stibbons.”

“Well, according to the quantum theory of advanced nocturnal wizardry, objects which appear overnight are to be treated –“

“Stapler” the Bursar, who was having one of his days where he was somewhat at the other end of the small line between sanity and insanity[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) ventured forth.

Ridcully patted his head. “Now, now there’s a good chap. Stibbons, why don’t you see if you can find him some dried frog pills while me and Rincewind figure this out.”

Rincewind was rather sure that he wouldn’t be figuring anything out, for the simple reason that Ridcully preferred to run straight at things, preferably while being armed, be it with magic or Wow-Wow sauce, and think about them later.

Or in this case, throw Rincewind right in the middle of them and see what happened. He’d done it before.

“Come on Rincewind, did things go that badly the last time?”

“Yes” he said flatly.

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way” Ridcully said cheerfully. “And now go and open the door, Assistant librarian.”

He knew he wouldn’t be able to extract himself, so he sighed, resigned himself to the fact more things would start happening very soon, then walked up to the door and wrenched it open.

**A short time ago – Ingary**

The door burst open and wind came out. It was strong enough to be called a storm.

Howl jumped up. “Sophie!”

But he was too late. Sophie and Calcifer had already been blown through the door and vanished; and even as he moved to follow them, he was hindered by a man in a pointy hat propelling through it and right into him before the door fell shut.

**Now – Discworld**

Vinchen was indeed the smallest kingdom of the world, or at least of the world it happened to be on. One could have walked right into it and back out again without realizing, if it had not been for the large wall that enclosed it, and of course the armed guards on either side of that wall.

For all the citizens knew, one ancient emperor of Vinchen had simply decided one day that the outside world was much too complicated and too messy for people to deal with, especially when they were supposed to make good subjects, and so he had ordered the wall to be built.

It was the pride of said subjects, for the simple reason that they had precious little else to be proud of. Vinchen had never tried to trade with any of its neighbours, who, if they had noticed it at all, in their turn had been content to simply look at the wall and shrug in an age-old gesture that meant “As long as it’s not attacking me, we’re good.” And so, it was not only one the smallest kingdom of its world, but had also every reason to claim it was the poorest as well.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

In other words: no one would ever contemplate visiting Vinchen unless they didn’t know a thing about it, happened to be in desperate circumstances or were, for all instances and purposes, mad.

“I have to admit. I have always wanted to see Vinchen” Twoflower said.

“Why do you want to visit Vinchen if there is a wall surrounding it?” Calcifer asked. “It strikes me as a sign that no one should.”

“But then _why_ do they put a wall there?” Twoflower asked.

“Because they don’t want anyone to come” Calcifer answered matter-of-factly.

“Oh no. We all know walls are just there to be overcome!”

Calcifer had some experience with people, especially Sophie, overcoming difficulties, and had a sudden vision of her doing just that.

This wouldn’t end well if he didn’t keep an eye on her. He could tell that Twoflower’s eternal optimism was already grating on her nerves[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote5%E2%80%9D).

“And then what are you going to do?” he asked patiently, or as patiently as he could manage.

“I am going to write another report for my home country. Although I might not. The last time I did it, we ended up with a bit of a turmoil.” He brightened up, if that was even possible considering how happy he seemed most of the time. “But Rincewind fixed it. He has a way of showing up when you need him most, right in the middle of a dangerous crisis.”

“My husband’ll be easy to find then, too. Just look at the outskirts of said crisis and search for the quickly vanishing black dot” Sophie muttered. She’d been rather quiet in the past few minutes and Calcifer, well remembering many of her outbursts, had already decided that Twoflower could weather this one on his own when it would inevitably come.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, ma’am” Twoflower said politely, “But it does strike me as rather strange that you should have married a man who is, judging by your comments, a coward, a swindler, and just generally speaking, not very nice.”

Indeed, she had done a quite good job of describing Howl in the last half hour they had been marching towards Vinchen.

Sophie stared at him. “What do you mean? Of course I had to marry him!”

“But those qualities you described don’t seem very…” Twoflower was clearly looking for a polite way of saying it. “Desirable.”

“I never said he was _desirable_ , did I? I said he was my husband.”

Twoflower seemed to ponder that thought for a moment or two until he thankfully let it drop. “I’ve heard Vinchen is beautiful this time of the year” he eventually said.

“From whom? I thought no one could enter it!” Sophie said.

“Well, people talk, you know… and they always like talking to me!” Twoflower said with a big smile. “That one time a man told me he’d tell me whatever I wanted if I just left… by the way, you two speak Ankh-Morporkian really well.”

“Ankh-Morpor…” Sophie stood still and Calcifer knew something was about to happen.

“Are you saying we don’t speak Ingarian?”

“Ingarian? I am sorry, I have never heard that name, I told you that before –“

She took a deep breath. “Calcifer, could it be that when we went through the door…”

“It must be the magic” he said carefully. “I can definitely feel it.”

Indeed, magic, if one strange to him, seemed to be everywhere in the world they had found themselves in, even if sometimes, the doses were very small, so small they almost seemed to rival those of the place Howl came from. And yet, it was more tangible than it was there.

The problem was that this didn’t really help matters. Calcifer might have been an almighty fire demon in Ingary, but that didn’t mean he knew a lot about magic. He had still been rather young when he had fallen and had struck his deal with Howl, and the wizard wasn’t exactly the best person to be around to learn the practicalities of magic. Just ask Michael.

Sophie sighed. “At least we’re not in a place without magic. That would just be weird.”

“Wyrd?” Twoflower asked. “Sorry, I just know about the Wyrmberg. It’s quite a nice place, and the dragons are a sight worth seeing.”

To Sophie’s credit, she managed to keep her calm.

Barely.

**Ingary**

“Nothing!” Howl threw the book across the room and ran his fingers through his hair that quite frankly and annoyingly looked better than Rincewind’s ever had or ever would. “And you are sure you didn’t get any explanation before you got send through the door? You were at university!”

“The way you talk about it sounds as if you had never been to any” he said, exasperated. To expect any of them to know what they were doing… Especially when Ridcully got involved. His motto was _not_ to know what was going on before dealing with it.

But he never had to pay the price, did he? Oh no, that was Rincewind’s job. Just take the one wizard they could spare and stick him right in the middle of things.

Well, in Ridcully’s defence, he thought angrily, that was the way the world worked. At least for him. Sometimes it felt like the Gods were playing a game using him as a pawn.

**Dunmanifestin – The Home Of The Gods**

_That is not fair, milady!” Fate exclaimed. “You cannot send your pawn away from the board all together.”_

_The Lady turned to Fate. Her green eyes were laughing, even if her mouth was not. “I think you will find that there are no rules against it.”_

_“That’s right” Offler, the Crocodile God, piped up. “There is no rule forbidding milady to do something like that.”_

_The fact was that The Lady didn’t always win games. On the contrary, it could reasonably be claimed that Fate always won, in the end._

_But it was also true that The Lady rarely lost._

_She simply didn’t play to win._

_She played so_ Fate _wouldn’t win, not completely._

_“Now, where were we?” Blind Io hastened to say. “I am sure we can find a compromise –“_

_The Lady looked at Fate and smiled. It wasn’t a particularly happy smile, but neither was it very threatening._

_It just_ was _. And what it was was calculated, measured and unstoppable._

**Ingary**

Yes, sometimes Rincewind most definitely felt that the gods were playing with him, and perhaps he would have believed it, if one, wizards hadn’t had a general distrust of gods and their powers[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote6%E2%80%9D), and two, he considered himself too unimportant to be played around with by gods.

“So what are we going to do now?” Howl asked him in a tone that he had come to recognize quite well. It meant that the person using it was waiting for Rincewind to come up with an idea, and that none of his usual ideas of running away were in any way acceptable.

And again, he wouldn’t even have known where to run.

“I have no idea” he said simply. “And in case you haven’t noticed, I am a rather big coward. In fact I have elevated it to a philosophy. So you see I am utterly useless and –“

“Oh” Howl said, “That doesn’t bother me. I’m a terrible coward myself, and I still fought off the Witch of the Waste. Granted, my wife and my fire demon helped, but still.”

That was not something Rincewind liked to hear. It sounded as if Howl was an amateur coward, one who didn’t _mind_ being a hero now and then, and that was not the right way of doing things at all. Yes, Rincewind was a coward, but he was a _proud_ coward. He would always declare himself to be so, and he would always happily walk away from any danger he found himself in.

But this man? Howl? He apparently _liked_ to take credit for good things happening afterwards. How dare he. Rincewind always tried to pretend he hadn’t been where people claimed he had been, just out of principle.

Twoflower always had had a knack for making him seem much more powerful, braver and hero-like than he actually was. At least he was far away in his home country, looking after his two daughters.

“Alright” Howl declared, striking a pose dramatically. “Here is what I know: my wife and my fire demon disappeared through a door that shouldn’t have been there in the first place and that just magically appeared this morning, rather upsetting my good wife.”

“Oh, she was upset?”

“She was rather mad” he said matter-of-factly. “She usually is, when something happens. But it always works out in the end”. Howl was staring in the distance. “She really is quite striking when angry… as long as one ducks under the nearest table.” He shook himself. “Well, it seems we will have to check out some more of my books. Back home.”

“I thought this _was_ your home” Rincewind said. He had to admit that it at least looked like the proper home for a wizard, even if for some reason the crocodile that was always hanging from the ceiling in any self-respecting magician’s abode was missing. Maybe this world worked differently than others, and other things always popped up. Like that dashing black suit in the corner…

“It is. But I meant from where I actually come from.”

Rincewind, who had the misfortune not to know where he came from, who his parents had been or why anyone had considered it a good idea to ensure he existed in the first place, could only nod. He’d learned long ago that sometimes he just had to go along with things until a good opportunity for flight presented itself.

“And where would that be?”

“Wales.”

It didn’t sound particularly dangerous, but then, so didn’t Klatch, until you tried their coffee[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote7%E2%80%9D)

“So we are going to Wales?”

“Worse” Howl said with a devastating smile on his face. “We are going to see my sister.”

[*]And he considered practically every living man to be just that.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Ponder was rather proud of the machine, which provided them with logical explanations for many strange phenomena. Sadly, most wizards would rather have been told that door goblins had built said door magically.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]In other words, he was close to normal for once.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Which, incidentally, is not true. The poorest kingdom on Discworld is that of the cockroaches of Klatch, but since nobody knows it exists, it might as well not as far as most inhabitants of the Discworld would be concerned if brought to their attention; furthermore its inhabitants have always been rather happy to live off garbage and anything else they can find, so really, their poverty is not a matter of concern to them at all.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As it was on his, but he was a fire demon; he was supposed to be annoyed at something like that; he was rather sure humans should normally be charmed by Twoflower.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return5%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Unless they needed something of course, in which case they were happy to make the appropriate sacrifices.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return6%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Klatchian coffee is the most potent coffee in this, or any world. As a matter of fact, a cup of Klatchian coffee can actually take you to the very opposite of sleepiness which is not, in contrary to popular opinion, being wide awake. It’s actually much more than being wide awake, and not a desirable state to be in.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return7%E2%80%9D)


	3. In Which Rincewind Visits A Very Normal World, And Sophie Meets Someone New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another favourite of mine shows up in this chapter. Enjoy!

**Fairyland**

It had taken a long time for the Queen’s glamour to grow strong again. Too long; there were already whispers going around the court, whispers that she wasn’t fit to lead them…

But soon, she thought with a smile, glittering with unearthly beauty, all of that would be forgotten. She would get into the world, and she would find the hag, and then she would win.

**Ingary**

Howl turned the doorknob to black and then told him, “Don’t be surprised –“

“I am never surprised” Rincewind said, resignedly. “Being surprised only means you have more chances for disappointment later.”

Howl shot him a confused look, but they soon stepped through the door.

**Wales**

Rincewind stared at the street they had come out on. It looked so… utterly and completely benign and normal, which _normally_ meant something was about to attack him, but nothing did.

“Come here.”

And five minutes later he sat in a horseless carriage. He had once flown through the clouds in what he had chosen to believe[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)had been a hallucination of a life he could have had if magic hadn’t decided to invade the Discworld and make him a wizard, or at least something too close to one to make him capable of doing anything else; but this was different.

This was… actually nice.

A bad sign. Any time Rincewind found something nice, it was either going to turn nasty really quick or last for about two minutes before something else happened.

“You are very… relaxed about this” Howl told him, looking puzzled. “When I first put Sophie and Michael in a car, they all but screamed… I calmed them down using my patented ways, of course” and he gave him another devastating grin that Rincewind wouldn’t have been able to copy if he had trained it for hundred years, worn a suit that looked much better on him than his robes ever had, and had more natural charm.

“I told you, I am never surprised. The surprises just take it as an invitation to get more of their friends to surprise you as well. I assume we are going to crash. Or burn. Or both. Any way, we are probably going to die in a horrifying way” he said as cheerfully as he could, to wipe that smile off Howl’s face. It didn’t work.

“I am an excellent driver, you don’t have to worry.”

In Rincewind’s experience, these words meant that he did in fact have to worry, and worry quite a lot, because… that was how things _worked_. He didn’t doubt that they worked differently if one actually happened to be a powerful wizard (and Howl had assured him he was, plus the fact that he came from another world where horseless carriages drove around definitely pointed to him being so), but that wouldn’t help him one bit.

So he clung to his seat and did his best to think of home as a way to motivate him, because that was what people had assured him again and again worked; only that it didn’t work because… well… he was Rincewind, and there was every reason to argue he had never had a real home to begin with.

“Now” Howl warned him after he’d stopped the carriage and they were walking up to a house. “My sister tends to be a bit… touchy when it comes to magic, so you best not say too much. In fact, in your case, I’d do your best to act like you don’t even exist.”

Rincewind had tried that more often than he could have counted, and it had rarely worked, but before he could tell him so, Howl had knocked on the door.

Now, Rincewind had been prepared for many things. Mostly because he had long considered himself the unluckiest wizard or Wizzard to ever exist and he had simply seen too much to ever believe that everything would work out in the end, like Howl seemed to do, for all his amateurish beliefs that he was a proper coward.

But what he was definitely not prepared for was the woman who opened the door.

Now, he had heard of certain feelings that might or might not exist, and it could be argued that he had briefly experienced a few of them that one time… But it was nothing against seeing the woman who Howl introduced as his sister.

She threw them an icy glare. “What do you want, you good-for-nothing slob?”

“Megan, I need to look at my books. It’s important. Sophie and Calcifer have gone missing.”

She sniffed. “What have you done now?”

“Why does everyone assume it’s my fault?”

“Because it usually is.” She turned to Rincewind and suddenly, to his surprise, changed her tune. She smoothed her hands down her skirt and cleared her throat. “I am terribly sorry, I didn’t mean to – Good morning, Mr…”

“Rincewind” he answered, feeling rather confused. People weren’t glad to see him unless he owed them money or they happened to be Twoflower, and he was reasonably sure that neither of those options were applicable here.

She held out her hand. “Megan Jenkins”. She pronounced the last name as if it was supposed to have a significance, and Rincewind, uncharacteristically, decided to just go with it for the time being and not to question why someone should be happy to see him. Instead, he tentatively took her hand and then they were just looking at each other.

Some part of him was vaguely aware that he shouldn’t be holding her hand for that long, but a bigger part didn’t care.

Howl cleared his throat. “Megan? My books?”

“Oh? Oh, of course… they are upstairs. Mr. Rincewind, would you like a coffee?”

He let go of her hand, considered the offer, and realized there was little probability that Klatchian coffee existed twice in different universes, so he accepted.

* * *

Now, really, this was not why he had taken Rincewind with him! And to think that he was interested in _Megan_ when _something magical had happened and thrown him across worlds_! Howl swept up the stairs as dramatically angrily as he could, but he doubted either of them noticed. Let them have their coffee; it seemed that once again, it was on him to save the day.

The problem was, as he knew very well, that often, this meant relying on Sophie to save the day in the end. He had no illusions about his wife. Otherwise he wouldn’t have married her.

Or been so desperate to get her back.

He went through his books, but there was nothing. He threw a few of them at the wall in his frustration, hoping it would get the two downstairs to take notice of him, but naturally, he had no such luck…

And then he realized something.

It was time to go to his science fiction section instead.

**Ingary**

“You said it was close” Sophie pointed out.

“It is! Barely a day’s march! That’s nothing!”

She said nothing, but could feel Calcifer’s gaze on her. Well. He didn’t have to walk, did he? He just had to float around.

“Don’t you have horses in this world?”

“Oh, of course I have horses, but they are rather expensive. Maybe if I had my old luggage… But I gave it to Rincewind. As a reminder of the adventures we had, you know.”

This Rincewind certainly sounded like a proper wizard, not like her good-for-nothing husband who didn’t know why doors randomly appeared in their kitchen in the morning. Maybe he would be able to help them. The rest, Sophie felt confident, she could do on her own. The problem was figuring out what to do in the first place. “So what exactly do you want to do in Vinchen?” she asked once more. “I mean, you want to look at it and write about it, but you do have to want more than that.“

“Why?” Twoflower asked and, irritably, she found that she couldn’t answer his question.

“Well, because… people have to have to do _something_. Otherwise they end up causing mischief. Just look at Howl. He either cries because of his hair or used to make love to girls.”

“Are you sure” Twoflower gently asked, “That you love him?”

“Of course I love him, you silly man! Why would I have married him otherwise?”

At least he was silent after that.

He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t understand simple facts of life… Sophie decided that this man had _needed_ a real wizard to look after him.

“I am really tired of all those trees” she said. “I mean, the forest has to end at some point. Calcifer, could you take a look?”

The fire demon obliged and rose over the top of the trees to check.

“It’s very practical to have a friend that can fly” Twoflower said.

She nodded. “He was a bit stubborn at first, especially when I wanted to cook. But I fixed that early on.”

“How would he have hindered your cooking?” Twoflower asked, apparently genuinely interested, and she decided to oblige him.

“He was bound to our hearth in those days, because of a contract he’d made with Howl… He couldn’t survive outside it so we had to use him as fire.”

Twoflower nodded. She had quickly learned that nothing ever seemed to surprise him. “And so he let you. That was nice of him.”

She still didn’t think that him more or less stealing Howl’s heart and hoping for the best had been a very nice act, but it had all worked out in the end, and like she had said, Calcifer was family now.

“We are not that far from Vinchen” Calcifer, who chose this moment to descend, reported, sounding strangely breathless.

“Are you alright?” she asked. He looked pale… well, his colours were paler than usually.

“I seem to spend much more energy while flying here” he mumbled. “But no time for that. There’s an old lady coming our way.”

“Does she look dangerous?”

“No, but neither did you when you first came to the castle” he said and Sophie wondered where her trusted stick had gone. Sometimes she could really have used it.

“Why would you have looked dangerous?” Twoflower, who apparently never ran out of questions, asked.

“Because I was under a spell that made me old at the time” she replied absent-mindedly. She had seen too much to suppose that little old ladies were not dangerous; after all, as Calcifer had just pointed out, she had once been one herself. Maybe this was another dark witch like the Witch of the Waste had been… although how she should have found out about them and come to see them in such a short amount of time (for such it had been, not even a whole day, she had to admit, even though it felt like they had been walking around the forest forever) she couldn’t say.

“What did she look like?”

“Human”.

She glared at Calcifer. He sighed. “You know, humans – they all look the same to me, in a way.”

“Now that’s a lie, and –“

In that moment, a voice interrupted her. “What are you doing here?”

* * *

She’d had her suspicions about Vinchen for a while. You didn’t just lock up a whole kingdom and throw away the key, no matter how small it was, if there wasn’t something wrong with it, or in this case, _within_ it.

And Esme Weatherwax would not have been Esme Weatherwax if she had not decided to act the second she got the letter from Nanny Fforde. The woman might have been remarkably scatter-brained at times, but she was a witch, but she did know right from wrong, and so when she got the news, she thought it best to call on good old Granny Weatherwax to fix it.

And Gytha Ogg was busy helping her third daughter-in-law with her seventh lie in. Of course she was.

She sighed. She’d have to do this on her own.

And then she heard voices.

Now, Granny Weatherwax had never gone in with the whole shenanigans the wizards of Unseen University claimed to need. Those fools. All you needed to do _proper_ magic was a clear head and determination, which meant that some people were incapable of it and always would be. Now Granny, on the other hand…

She Listened. With a capital L. Because that was what it was all about. Seeing and Listening and Drawing the Right Conclusions.

And those voices? One was relatively harmless, the second belonged to someone who possessed powerful magic, although it seemed strangely remote – a witch of sorts, she was ready to bet, and the third…

She entered a small clearing. “What are you doing here?”

[*]For the simple reason that he’d otherwise go mad with longing. Rincewind might have been a coward, but a pragmatic one.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	4. In Which Rincewind Has An Actually Pleasant Conversation, And A Decision Is Made

**Wales**

Something was bound to go terribly wrong any moment now.

Mostly because until now, so many things had gone right today.

Rincewind would have liked to believe that this was due to the universe deciding that after all that trouble with the door and accidentally sending away the wife and fire demon of a wizard, he deserved a little luck, but he had lived long enough to be very aware that things didn’t work that way.

Still, here he was having coffee that was actually drinkable with a nice lady.

A _very_ nice lady.

He had no idea why Howl had been so apprehensive.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“So you’re a librarian?” she asked him sweetly.

“Yes. I mean, I’m the Assistant to the librarian. The only one” he boasted, although he wasn’t particularly sure it was something to boast about.

“That’s nice – a solid, normal job.”

“Well…” he said slowly, then decided he might as well ruin it all in one sweep, otherwise the universe would do it for him. “Actually, he is a giant orangutan…”

* * *

Yes, Science Fiction. He should have thought of it immediately! Thankfully, no one had seen his momentary lapse of judgement – Rincewind was keeping Megan occupied (although that could very well turn into a problem if he wasn’t careful – then again, not even _he_ could look out for everyone).

Parallel universes. Doors to other dimensions. Now, if only he could find a reason why one had appeared today in Ingary of all days…

At least, and he was absolutely – well, ninety-nine percent sure, perhaps eighty, but he was _reasonably_ sure – it wasn’t his fault. Granted, he didn’t think it would save him from Lettie’s wrath when the time came, but still…

Alright, so now he just had to find a way to get them back.

He stood up as straight as he could and wished he’d have put on his cape. At least he would have _looked_ confident even if he felt the opposite.

That said, he was rather sure that Sophie could look after herself. That was a comfort. And of course she had Calcifer with her.

* * *

Seeing as he came from a world where sadly magic was more common than – well – common sense, Rincewind had long given up the habit of expecting his explanations to be carefully listened to, but to his astonishment, she didn’t immediately start screaming when he told her about the librarian.

“So you have to work for a monkey?” she asked eventually.

“Never call him a monkey” he said immediately, remembering well how he tended to react when people did. “He’s an ape.”

“But he used to be human?”

Rincewind nodded. “He seems to find life as an ape easier.” And after everything he’d been through, he was inclined to agree, but he would never be fortunate enough to be hit by such a spell.

“Do you like it?”

He blinked. It had been so long since anyone had asked him something like that, it was rather difficult to process. “It’s… fine?” he ventured. “You just have to make sure he has enough bananas and don’t mess with the books if you value your life.”

She looked like she wanted to ask if that was an exaggeration, then thought better of it and instead said, “But you seem so normal! I mean, yes, the hat is a little strange, and come to think of it, so is the robe, but you should _see_ the things Howl runs around in, and that one time a witch came and tried to – ”

Rincewind was still busy wondering whether being normal was a good thing or not, mostly since he had never been accused of it in his entire existence, when they were interrupted with “And I always look ravishing.”

She rolled her eyes without turning around. “Did you find what you need to get Sophie back?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good.” She still didn’t look at Howl, but her eyes softened. “Good luck.”

“Thank you. Let’s go, Rincewind.”

“Rincewind?” she called out as he hastened to follow Howl.

He turned around and was confused by the genuine smile she bestowed on him. “Whenever you’re nearby, you can drop by for coffee.”

* * *

“I like your sister” Rincewind told Howl, still feeling uncharacteristically glad he’d come as they went back to his horseless carriage.

“Figures” Howl muttered to himself.

“What are those books? Are they going to help us?” Rincewind asked, glancing back at the house, where he could have sworn that, for just one second, a shadow had appeared at the window… Maybe he wouldn’t have to –

Oh no. That way lay madness. He would never make plans that involved being lucky again. _Never_.

“They are a start” Howl said with more confidence in his voice than Rincewind thought he himself had shown in his entire adult life. He gave him another one of those brilliant smiles, and he wondered why his sister didn’t seem to be pleased by them at all. “And once we get them back, we’ll figure out how to get you home.”

“Oh” he said, somewhat sulkily, “You don’t have to bother. I rather assume once we do anything with magic, I’ll be thrown across the world again, or end up in Klatch, or in a troll’s mouth, and then I’ll be devoured and digested, and even then it won’t be the end because eventually I’ll be –“

“You seem to have had quite many adventures” Howl declared at the top of his voice.

“I did. Not that I meant to.”

“That’s how they usually happen” Howl said brightly. “And then one saves the day while looking as heroic as possible. There are always people watching, you know, and they can later write songs about you and what you did.”

Yes, Rincewind thought contemptuously, he might call himself a coward, but when it came to being the _proper_ thing, Howl certainly showed no signs of it.

**Discworld**

“That comes from marrying a wizard” Granny Weatherwax announced, “Good for nothing creatures, the lot of them.”

“Oh, Howl is definitely that” Sophie agreed. “And cowardly, and messy, and somewhat annoying…”

“What business does he have marrying you, then?” she asked gravely. “Many a witch’s promising career has been ruined by marriage. In most cases, at least twice. And when you count in Gytha…”

“In any case, I think this time it might not be Howl’s fault” Sophie said. “Granted, it was my first thought, but Calcifer assures me that –“

“Ah yes” Granny Weatherwax levelled a glare on the fire demon. “You stay away from people’s hearts, you hear me? I know the stories!”

“I don’t!” Twoflower cried out happily. “What do you do with people’s hearts?”

“Use them to keep themselves alive while they slowly shrivel and die” Granny Weatherwax huffed. “There is a way to do things, and falling stars should blink out when they hit the earth –“

“Sophie bestowed a thousand years of life onto me. No hearts involved” Calcifer interrupted her quickly.

She sniffed, then looked at Sophie. “What did ‘ye do that for?”

“He’s a friend. And he helped us defeat the Witch of the Wate. She was a bad witch.”

Granny Weatherwax shook her head. “Always sad when a witch goes bad. Now a wizard, that’s usually easily handled. But a witch…”

Sophie nodded. “She had a fire demon too.”

There was something in her voice that made Calcifer wince – or at least as close to wince as a fire demon could – while Twoflower looked on unconcerned.

“But why would you want to go find another wizard? Seems like they are the cause of all your troubles” Granny said.

“Twoflower says he’s such a mighty wizard he might be able to help us.”

“Pah. I’ve been to Ankh-Morpork, and I certainly never heard of this Rincewind.”

“He is very humble. He doesn’t want his magical prowess to be known. Normally he disappears very soon after he’s saved the day” Twoflower explained with all the enthusiasm of someone reading a fairy tale to children.

“No such thing as a humble wizard” Granny replied contemptuously. “And now you want to go to Vinchen. Bad idea, that.”

“But you said you were on your way there yourself –“ Sophie began.

She drew herself up. “That’s completely different. I got Nanny Fforde’s message and knew we were in trouble. If those fools are indeed experimenting with magic, and trying to get the Lords and the Ladies back…”

“The Lords and the Ladies?” Sophie asked.

“Yes, you know”. Her voice dropped. “The little people. Nothing little about them, though.”

“Oh, I know them rather well” Sophie said. “They can be annoying, I grant you that.”

Granny’s expression suggested that _annoying_ was not quite the proper word for it, at least not in her book.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) “Well, then. We should be going if we want to reach Vinchen before it gets dark. I don’t like the feeling of these woods. At home, I’ve got a proper forest.”

“But” Calcifer ventured, “You said you wanted to go inside Vinchen to check them out.”

“I do” Granny replied.

“But with the wall, how do you suppose –“

“Oh, that’s easy” Sophie said. “You just have to walk up to the door, knock really loudly, and demand to be let in like you have a right to. They usually open then.”

Granny looked at her proudly. “That’s _headology_ , that is!”

* * *

If Vinchen had been a larger kingdom, there would undoubtedly have been many rumours flying about. _What’s behind the wall, who lives there, et cetera._

Since barely anyone knew it existed, however,[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) the world was deprived of entirely fabricated stories one could tell one’s neighbour at the market after one had exhausted the usual platitudes and desperately wanted to get on with business, only they’d just asked “Any news?” and now you were stuck talking to each other for the rest of the afternoon.

But if there were rumours, the things they wouldn’t have spoken off – for the simple reason that they were true – would have been as such:

Vinchen had been reigned by the same family of emperors and empresses for three centuries, the people would tell you. According to the history books that later rulers had outlawed, the first had been rather decent and worried about their people, so naturally, they were despised for it.

In contrast, the current Emperor, Vinkerd IV, who ordered at least three executions a week, was regarded as one of the finest rulers to ever be seen on Discworld by his subjects, which might either have to do with the fact that none of them had left the kingdom in their live times or tell you more about human nature than you’d ever wanted to know.

And then there was this other small detail.

Vinkerd IV not only was as paranoid as many generations before him had been[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D) but this showed in a peculiar habit of his to never leave his palace.

And so, the people were not surprised never to see him.

Perhaps, if they had allowed themselves to gossip over their ruler – which they didn’t since it was forbidden on pain of death, and despite everything, they clung to life – they would have realized that no one had seen the emperor in recent years, apart from the First Adviser, who issued laws, regulations and warrants in his name, but it was certainly not advisable[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote5%E2%80%9D) to think of such things, and they didn’t.

If they had, some of them might have come to a few conclusions.

And of those, a few might have been the right ones.

[*]Yes, that was the right word; Rincewind knew every important synonym having to do with fear in twelve languages.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)   
[*]Nanny Ogg’s published cookbook, as a matter of fact.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)   
[*]Twoflower was one of those people who would always find interesting information so he didn’t count.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)   
[*]Certain attributes become traditions, if only someone insists on them long enough.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)   
[*]And this was as close as the people of Vinchen ever came to making a joke, further proof that living under the strict thumb of a tyrant has terrible consequences.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return5%E2%80%9D)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think please? :)


	5. In Which There's A Knock At A Door And An Angry Sister

**Discworld**

“Sophie, I don’t think this is a very good idea…” Calcifer tried.

“What’s the point of having an idea anyway, if you don’t deal with things?” Granny Weatherwax asked. “We have to get in and see what this is all about.”

He resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be able to stop them. Living with Sophie and Howl, it wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation.

Twoflower, of course, didn’t have to resign himself to anything. He was rather enthusiastic about the whole thing, but Calcifer was starting to suspect that he didn’t know how to _be_ any different.

“Maybe they have simply been living behind the wall for so long they have forgotten there’s a world outside, and they will be really happy to learn that there is! And they’ll let us in and –“

“And what? Make us tea? Give me a nice log to perch on?”

“I am sure if you explain to them that it is necessary…” Twoflower lightened up. “Anyway, Rincewind is bound to show up eventually if there’s trouble. He always does, and he always saves the day!”

Calcifer seriously doubted if there was such a powerful wizard in the world as Twoflower seemed to believe there was, but what did he know? This wasn’t the world he had watched for so long from above before he had fallen onto it. Even Howl’s home world didn’t make any sense, from what Sophie and Michael had told him. So how was this supposed to –

“There we are” Granny declared, looking pleased with herself. “A good thing, too; night’s about to fall, and I really wouldn’t like spending it amongst these trees”.

“How did you get us here so fast?” Twoflower exclaimed. “According to the map –“

“Pah, maps. Useless things, those. Usually written by people who believe they know how the world works, you see.”

They could indeed now see the Wall of Vinchen through the trees after having walked another few hours; it would grow dark soon.

This wall most definitely deserved to be called a Wall.[[:]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) It was massive. It was huge. It looked like it was impenetrable.

And Sophie threw her head back and marched up to it just like Calcifer had known she would.

“There has to be a door somewhere.”

“There usually is” Granny agreed, “And if there isn’t, we’ll have to make one.”

Of course they understood one another perfectly, thought Calcifer.

* * *

“Calcifer, I need you to float up and see where the door is. I am tired of marching along this wall.”

“Make yourself useful” Granny advised at the same time, while Twoflower appeared perfectly content to let things take their course.

He sighed. What else was there to do for him but to comply even though he felt strangely… exhausted (he supposed that was what he was feeling. He didn’t really have much experience with sleep)? They really had been walking along this wall for quite some time now; at least they hadn’t met any guardsmen, although it was likely they were on the other side.

So, he once more flew up.

If he had been prone to squint or shake his head like humans, he would have. Considering the size of the wall, he would have expected there to be an equally impressive door that should have been easily discernible; but instead there was… but wait…

He came back down. “To the east, there seems to be something. I couldn’t say for sure that it’s a door, though.”

“Something is better than nothing” Granny decided. “Let’s see.”

Yes, she and Sophie would continue to get along like a house on fire, Calcifer was sure.

* * *

Even Twoflower was taken aback. “That is… not quite what I expected” he admitted.

No, Sophie thought, this wasn’t what she had expected, either. After all, it appeared that this was the only door into Vinchen.

This door was smaller than the one she had once climbed through to get into their castle for the first time.

It also looked very plain. It was just a simple, brown, small door. She doubted she’d be able to walk through it upright.

“That’s not impressive, but I didn’t expect it to be. Things usually aren’t, when one gets close” Granny said. “Alright then, let’s go and knock.”

“But are you sure we’re not coming at an inconvenient time?” Twoflower asked. “I would hate to –“

If it had been Howl to ask, Sophie would have thought he was being his usual cowardly self, but Twoflower was genuinely worried.

“Of course this is inconvenient, that is the point. Why should a witch show up at times convenient for somebody else?” Granny asked. “Well then girl, like I said, let’s go and knock.”

And so, Sophie did the only thing she could think of to do, which was exactly what Granny had told her. At least she’d met someone sensible for the first time here.

She strode up to the door and knocked. “Hey! Let us in!”

No answer.

She knocked some more. There had to be _someone_ on the other side. “Hello! We’ve been walking the whole day, and we’re tired, and we want food and shelter! Open up!”

She was certain that she heard something behind the door for a second, but it stopped again almost immediately. It didn’t matter. They knew they were here.

“Hello!” She knocked more and more loudly. “I said let us in! Don’t you know anything about hospitality in these parts?”

She was contemplating getting a branch and telling it to knock by itself for a while since her arm was growing tired (although she was starting to have a suspicion that something was off with both her magic as well as Calcifer’s; he’d not looked good when he’d come down from searching the Wall) when she heard a rustling sound and the door opened slowly.

The face that peered out was pale and looked rather concerned. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean, what am I doing? Knocking on the door to be let in, of course.”

“And since you opened, young man” Granny chimed in, stepping up to Sophie, “We will be coming through this door now.”

“But – you can’t!”

“Why not!?”

“Because – because it’s forbidden!” He seemed relieved that he had remembered. “It’s very forbidden, and you should under no circumstances –“

“That doesn’t strike me as a sound economic policy” Twoflower declared.

He blinked. “What?”

“Look. It’s important to have money to buy things. Right?”

The guard seemed to ponder that for a moment, then said wistfully, “My family gave me half a vince for my last birthday. It was nice while it lasted.”

“See?” Twoflower said brightly. “And tourists like us, they come in and they give you money to look at things.”

“But why?”

“Because that’s what tourists do” Sophie said, while having no idea what a tourist was.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) “Now, are you going to let us in or not?”

He swallowed, then looked around, the nodded. “Alright. But you better hurry.”

They did, even if they had to stoop down to enter.

**Ingary**

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SOPHIE IS MISSING!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Rincewind had dived under the table the second the scary looking woman had shown up, as he was wont to do. He wouldn’t be caught by such a furious creature if he could help it.

Howl wasn’t so lucky, but maybe the fool had decided to brace it out because she was his sister-in-law, as it turned out. Well, good luck with that. He couldn’t hope for any help from Rincewind.

“I _am_ working on getting her back –“

“But why is she missing in the first place?”

“I told you, the door just appeared!” He grew serious and his voice dropped. “Lettie, you know I would never do anything to endanger Sophie.”

“That’s true.” To Rincewind’s utter surprise, she calmed down. “Well then. What are those books?”

“None you have ever heard of. They are rather popular where I come from, though.”

“I see. And they’ll help you get them back?”

“I hope so”. He drew himself up and declared, “By God, who would I be if I were to stand idly by while the love of my life –“

“Yes, yes, now stop that and work on it!”

He sighed. “Yes, Lettie.”

“As for this man” and Rincewind felt his ankle being grabbed and him being dragged out from his hiding spot, “Now, who are you?”

“Rincewind. I believe Howl told you so” he said.

“ _Wizzard_ ” she read from his hat, looking slightly puzzled. “Well, if you really are one, you can help Howl get my sister back.”

“I am just an innocent bystander, ma’am…”

Her eyes darkened and Rincewind wished he was back under the table.

* * *

“I should keep you around as a distraction for Lettie’s wrath” Howl said lightly when she was gone, promising to try and work out what was going on with her husband, who also seemed to be a wizard. “Also, tip of the wise: never try to hide from her. She will find you no matter what.”

“You could have told me that before”.

“Ah” he said, beaming, “But then, it happened so quickly, didn’t it! And not even a great wizard like me –“

Rincewind sighed. Like he had suspected, having coffee with Howl’s sister was proving to be the highlight of his day so far.

And that only if he wouldn’t later find out that she’d poisoned it.

It seemed like something that would happen to him.

And now it was the time when he couldn’t run away and had to start dealing with things, even though those things would most likely end with him being horribly maimed in some way, or sent to another world, or something worse.

He sighed. “So tell me about those books.”

Books, even magical books, he had learned to deal with during his work at the library. Not to mention that he’d spent several years with a spell from a book stuck literally in his head.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

“Oh, they are just stories, really” Howl said.

Rincewind had learned (painfully) that it was rarely so easy. Stories usually had an ounce of truth in them, and that part tended to get one into trouble. Granted, sometimes it got one _out_ of trouble, too, but he was much more familiar with the first option. “And what are they about?”

“About things like this. About doors opening and people falling into other worlds.”

See? True enough, obviously. “And is there anything in there about how to open a door that has fallen closed?”

“Well, the trouble is, normally it has to do with complicated machines, but I really think this is rather a magical problem...”

“ _Of course_ this is magical” Rincewind protested. He had often wished that thing could be more mechanical, instead of having to deal with goblins and trolls and dwarves. How much easier and more _logical_ the world would have been, then.

Like Howl’s home world, he thought a bit dreamily. The horseless carriage had been mechanical, and Megan had made coffee using another machine… Just simple buttons and wires and things that went _cloink_ –

“Stop dreaming!”

A book was thrown so that it landed perfected in front of him and he glared at Howl. “I _was_ thinking.”

“Yes, now do me the favour and focus that thinking on the problem at hand.”

“Why do I have to deal with this? It’s not my fault!” he protested, already knowing it was futile.

Howl grinned at him. “It’s obvious you’ve never met Sophie. If there’s a problem, she’ll be right in the middle of it, whether it’s her fault or not.”

[*]Once more proving the importance of capital letters. Although there have been languages where even that has been overstated, to the discontentment of school children everywhere.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]And neither, although she would never have admitted it, had Granny Weatherwax, and if one had told her that arguably she’d been one herself more than once she would have felt rather insulted.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]A spell that had been rather possessive and therefore not allowed any others in there, which explained why Rincewind had never even managed to pass one exam.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, please? :)


	6. In Which A Strange Group Enters Vinchen, And A Wizard Has An Idea

**Discworld**

**Fairyland**

Soon, now. She could feel it – would have felt it even if the fool who was doing her bidding wouldn’t have been so adamant to tell her in his dreams.

The Queen smiled, her glamour twinkling in the twilight of the court.

If someone kept insisting on closing their door, you just had to create new ones.

**Vinchen**

Vinch Wallis had been a guard for four years new, so really, he was still new at the job – most of his colleagues had been there for over twenty years, for the simple reason that the powers that were considered new guards to be properly trained a waste of resources, so they rarely had them executed.

But Vinch had never been prepared for this. No one came through the door. That was just how it was. No one knocked, and no one came through.

And now there were two women, a man and a – fire ball standing in front of him. Well, floating, in the latter’s case.

He didn’t know what to do.

“Young man” the older of the women began, “Now, you are not going to do a thing, especially not anything silly like call for help or something like that –“

“But –“ when he saw her stare, he added, “Ma’am – I can’t very well – no one’s supposed to –“

“What’s the use of a door, if you don’t want anyone to walk through it?”

That rather puzzled Vinch, who had never troubled himself with such thoughts before. Certainly there was a reason for the door to exist? Otherwise they wouldn’t be guarding it. And the law wouldn’t be so adamant that no one should learn what was behind the Wall –

But then –

“There’s a good lad” Granny said, patting his shoulder. “Now just go and think about that for a while.”

As he wandered off, she told them, “He’ll be busy for days. I know the type. They always need such a long time to figure out right from wrong.”

“Headology?” Sophie ventured.

“That’s right.”

“Alright, now that many have gotten us in, and we may have been lucky so far” Calcifer said, “But as to moving around, we are not exactly an inconspicuous group –“

“I have noticed.” Granny held up her big bag. “You can get in there.”

Calcifer bristled. “What do you mean? I’m a fire demon, I –“

“And this is fireproof. I don’t take chances with my bags. Get in there.”

“Sophie” he pleaded.

“It’s our best chance.”

And as he met Sophie’s determined stare, he knew there was nothing else to do, so he sighed and complied.

* * *

“It’s stuffy in here.”

“Hush” Sophie whispered, “You’re a bag.”

“This is a very interesting city” Twoflower supplied at the same time. “The architecture is –“

“Strange” Sophie said matter-of-factly, but then, she had grown rather used to strange things happening.

And it _was_ strange. The People of Vinchen obviously had to built their houses with anything that came to hand – which made sense since they weren’t allowed to leave their kingdom; and yet – a house built out of scrapes would always look weird.

“Very interesting” Twoflower repeated. “Once I am home I will have to write another pamphlet –“

“Of course” Sophie said absent-mindedly.

“My first one was a bestseller” he beamed. “Then it landed me in jail. I met Rincewind there, though” he immediately brightened up again. “And then he defeated an entire army using his magic –“

Sophie didn’t quite think this very realistic, since she had experience with great wizards, and they tended to run away from armies rather than defeat them, but she decided to trust Twoflower while being cautious. Maybe he was overexaggerating without meaning to.

“Alright. So now we have to find out about this Lords and Ladies business” Granny decided. “For now, I can’t hear or feel a thing, but that could change any moment. Fire demon, can you tell whether or not magic has gone wrong somewhere?”

“My name is Calcifer” his plaintive voice came from the bag once again, sounding muffled. “And yes, something about this place is –“

“That settles it. We’ll have to stop them, of course.”

Sophie nodded.

“Oh, this sounds like an adventure!” Twoflower said happily.

It was, but she still didn’t think he should have sounded so excited about it. “Won’t the people try to stop us?”

But Granny was shaking her head. “Keep people down long enough, and they stop noticing anything. Right now, they won’t want to see us, because it could have consequences. Just don’t be too loud, and don’t talk to anyone. They turn into sheep without meaning to.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

And so they walked along Vinchen’s roads. Sophie couldn’t say that she liked it much. Due to little space, they wound around one another, making it difficult to navigate. The architecture might have been “interesting” but it didn’t look very comfortable, and it soon became clear that the people must be rather poor, too – most of their clothes were mended, they were thin, and no one seemed to have any money for even the simplest of decorations.

And then there were the children. Sophie and Howl might not yet have children themselves, but she had grown up as the eldest out of three, so she knew how toddlers _should_ and _would_ behave. These children were nothing like that. They were hollow-eyed and quiet, slinking from shadow to shadow. Not that Sophie was particularly fond of screaming, ill-behaved children; but she vastly preferred them to this.

Granny seemed to agree with her. “Don’t like this” she muttered, “Don’t like this one bit. They’re supposed to be rude and annoying and get on your nerves.”

“I don’t know” Twoflower said. “My youngest has always been very well behaved, especially after her mother…” he trailed off, and Sophie was surprised to see something like pain cross his face. She had underestimated him.

“We need to get to the palace” Granny decided. She snapped her fingers and pointed at a young boy. “You! How do we get to the ruler’s place?”

He blinked. Then, he hesitantly repeated, “The ruler’s place?”

“Yes. You know, the one in charge.”

“That would be the emperor” he told her, and just like Sophie herself, it seemed that Grammy felt somewhat relieved that a child in this place could still be defiant when they wanted to be, for she reacted rather complacently.

“Then where does the emperor live, child?”

He sniffed. “I’m not called child. My name is Vinchy.”

“Alright then, Vinchy, where does the emperor live?”

“In his palace.”

“And where is it, Vinchy?” Sophie intervened because it was becoming clear that Granny’s patience was growing rather thin now despite everything.

He pointed. It was the best they would get, and so they thanked him and moved on.

“Still some spark in those people” Granny muttered to herself. “Good sign.”

“How long do you think they have been ruled like this, in order to…” Twoflower was obviously trying to find a diplomatic way to phrase the question.

“Lose their spines? At least several generations. It’s like Gytha and her petunias. Force them to behave for long enough, and they’ll only ever grow in the corner of the garden assigned to them. I don’t think they know there is any other part of the garden.”

“Could be magic, too” said the voice from the bag.

“Be silent, we are not supposed to draw attention to ourselves.”

“You said that wasn’t possible!”

“That’s not the point.”

**Ingary**

Rincewind decided that the books made more sense than most he had seen at the Unseen University. Granted, there was a lot of stuff in there he didn’t quite understand, but the same could be said for magical books, and at least Howl’s _explained_ things.

“There, in this one some evil wizard made a portal out of –“

“He’s not a wizard” Howl said tiredly.

Rincewind grinned a grin that it would have unsettled him to know resembled one of Twoflower’s. “Really? This makes it better!”

Howl sighed. “You could have magic at your disposal, but you choose science.”

“I never had the choice. Things don’t work like this at home” he sighed, looking longingly at the page. “But it makes so much more sense.”

“And who needs things to make sense? If they did, Sophie would never have married me.”

Yes, but Rincewind might have ended up with a comfortable job in a comfortable house and a comfortable life, and… oh, who was he kidding? This was never going to happen, no matter _what_ he did. “So what do we do? Try and build a machine like that?”

Howl sighed. “I think someone already did, or at least some magical equivalent of it, and that’s why Sophie and Calcifer – and you – were thrown across the worlds. Someone is trying to open a portal to somewhere, and this happened.”

“In that case, they got it wrong” Rincewind said.

“How do you know?”

“I’m here. Nobody wants me anywhere. I have my experiences.”

“First of all, we have to figure out where they wanted the door to open to in the first place.” Howl thought about it for a moment. “Alright, I am rather sure whoever they are, they come from your place. If there was someone powerful enough in Ingary to do something like this, we would know about it.” He grinned dazingly. “Or it would be me.” His smile fell. “And then Sophie would forbid me from doing it.”

If you asked Rincewind, it was rather clear that Howl had married above his station. “So what do we do now?”

“Ah, that is the question, isn’t it.”

* * *

Answers, Rincewind had always found, were cowards, huge cowards, probably the only beings in existence who were bigger cowards than he was – they kept hiding and hiding, no matter how much you needed them, and they certainly would not be dragged into things against their will like he routinely was.

For example: the answer to Howl’s question. They’d been doing research for hours now – night had long since fallen, but Howl didn’t seem to feel fatigued in the slightest – and nothing seemed to show up. But really, shouldn’t it have been easy? Rincewind had seen the wizards at Unseen University do countless impossible things – the tradition, for some reason, was to make six of them happen before breakfast, something that Rincewind, who had very early learned the importance of a good meal, had always resented – and Howl claimed to be the greatest wizard in this – Ingary, so there should have been a spell.

But _of course_ it couldn’t be so easy, because this was his life they were speaking of.

He randomly thought of Megan, which surprised him. He wasn’t in the habit of thinking of others randomly. Usually, he thought of himself and how to get out of whatever difficult situation he had found himself in and no one else, until someone was about to kill him or harm him or… do something else unspeakable to him, and that had been the case more often than he wanted to dwell on.

Megan had just been so _sensible_. Just like her house. And her world. And her life.

He sighed. All things that he would certainly never get.

“This” Howl announced, once more throwing a book across the room with a flourish that made Rincewind suspect he had practiced the motion, “Is utterly pointless. We know someone opened a door somewhere, or rather tried to open it to somewhere, and instead ended up opening another door in a very different place…”

“But that’s something” Rincewind argued, “Something we know.”

“You call that something?”

“It’s more than I usually know.”

“I wish I knew as little as you!” Howl declared, throwing himself back on the bench, “This would mean that I could plead utter ignorance when Sophie’s sisters come to ask me questions once more – and you _know_ they will come!”

“Can’t you barricade the door?” he asked hopefully.

“Against Lettie and Martha? Talk sense!” Howl paused, then groaned. “And Fanny’s there too, dear God…”

Rincewind decided Howl’s wife was proving to have way too many female relatives.

* * *

It was sometime later that Howl had an epiphany, and just like Rincewind had come to expect, he announced it by standing up, striking a pose and slapping his forehead (although on this particular occasion, he didn’t see it, since he had fallen forward onto the table, fast asleep, a while ago).

“My God, I’ve got it!”

Rincewind startled awake, rubbing his eyes. “You do?” he asked, feeling that in that case, his meltdowns before had not been deserved in any way, shape or form. If you had a proper meltdown, you had to calm down at least for a few days before the next one. That was the right way to do it.

“Oh yes. I mean, we’ll have to take a rather big risk” Howl shuddered, then smiled triumphantly, “But it's Sophie we are talking about here!”

[*]And in that she was right. There is a reason “herd mentality” is called that, although the term has never been heard on Discworld.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	7. In Which A Plan Is Tried Out And The Group Meets A New Friend

**Ingary**

Rincewind thought that he only had himself to blame. He had long been trained to run as soon as he heard the words “big risk” because usually there was little to no question who would actually be undertaking that risk, but he had been preoccupied with… other things and so hadn’t realized.

And now he was watching Howl do God knows what to the door of his castle and thinking grumpily that in a way, he deserved this.

“And what makes you think that I stand a better chance at getting back home through this than you?” he asked.

Howl turned around and grinned. “You are from there, meaning the world will want to try and get you back. It’s why I could always rely on this bringing me back to Wales, and how Sophie could tell it to show her what to do.”

So apparently his wife came from the land of people being able to command others around?

“But –“

“Not buts! Faint heart never won fair maiden”. Howl stopped and thought for a moment. “Alright, maybe that is not true in my case, but in my defence, she wasn’t exactly a fair _maiden_ back then, either…”

A question darted into Rincewind’s mind that he knew better than to ask. “I don’t want any fair maidens” he said miserably, perhaps or perhaps not thinking of someone whose status as a maiden he wasn’t sure about and probably shouldn’t be considering in the first place.

“Good, no distractions, then!”

Now and then, Howl reminded Rincewind remarkably of Twoflower, and that was not a good thing. “You can’t just throw me through a door and see what happens!”

“Don’t be silly, of course I am not going to do that!” With a flourish of the coat he was still wearing, he went to a closet and started rummaging through it. “Ugh, Sophie cleaned up _again_ … I’ve told her a million times… but try and… she never… ah, found it!”

What he had in his hands as he turned back around made Rincewind groan in turn.

It was a glistening, thin rope.

“Relax, I had it made from cat’s breath and fish scales” Howl said conversationally as he tied it around Rincewind’s waist. “Strongest material in the world.”

That was easy for him to say when he would stay in his smug kitchen in his nice castle while Rincewind was going to be blasted through several planes of existence just to see what was on the other side. There wouldn’t be anything good, whatever it was. There never was.

“I really should have thought about it before… this is how I came to Ingary in the first place!”

And Rincewind despaired as he considered that a student who had come from a place that made sense and where things could be explained with nice, logical sentences should have decided that no, he rather wanted to go to a place where magic could make anything happen no matter if that something was good or bad.

Rincewind had become a wizard – tried to become one – because it had soon crystallized that there was little else he could do. He was too honest for the guilds of thieves, too low-born for an assassin, too lazy for a real, honest beggar, so the Unseen University it had been.

But Howl must have had options, and yet he had chosen this madness.

“Alright, so you know what to do.”

“No, you just told me you’d throw me through the door and see what happens! All I know is that I should try and stay alive!”

“That’s what I was talking about” Howl said promptly. “Well, then.”

Rincewind would have liked to say that he had been prepared for it, but instead he was surprised when Howl simple opened the door and pushed him into the dark.

Really, he thought as he fell, he really should have known.

* * *

Alright. Rincewind had fallen through, and Howl had made sure that it opened somewhere else than where it had led before.

Howl carefully tied the rope to the steadiest leg of the old kitchen table. He’d give him five minutes and then try and pull him back.

He was reasonably sure he could pull it off. Sure, Sophie would have told him that “reasonably” in that case meant unlikely and that he was being irresponsible again, but Sophie wasn’t here.

* * *

Rincewind had once had a rather remarkable conversation with several old, very old, spells in his head.

This had been nothing like what he was currently going through, but it now and then helped to remind himself that this was just how his life worked, so he shouldn’t be too worried.

He was always extremely worried despite all of that, of course, but when wasn’t he? It had kept him alive more often than he could count.

He was flying through a sort of cloud. There was nothing but colours, but not the colours he knew, and definitely none of the magical ones he had grown used to while living at the University, either.

No, they looked _wrong_ , even for him.

He could have reached out and tried to touch one, but he quickly decided that was too risky.

And then he passed through them all and landed in the middle of a street. A normal street; an amazingly, wonderful normal street. People were wandering up and down, minding their own business – granted, the horseless carriages he had seen in Howl’s world were there too, but still.

He didn’t see anything that resembled something magical going on. How wonderful.

He didn’t understand the language, but that was only a minor setback.

All, in all, he felt he could probably, if he just got rid of the rope –

And then he was yanked back.

“And?” Howl asked a few moments later. Rincewind, who’d just had to fly through the colours again, simply shook his head.

“Once more onto the breech, then.”

He didn’t even consider it worth a groan.

**Discworld**

“Hm... This place is a maze” Granny Weatherwax mumbled, mostly to herself. “Must come from having so little space. I’ve seen cabbages in Gytha’s garden that were bigger than this –“

Twoflower was still trying to ask people how to get to the palace, but most of them just shook their heads.

“Twoflower –“ Sophie began.

“No, no, there is always someone who helps, like Vinchy.”

“Know that from your friend the great wizard, do you” Granny Weatherwax said.

Twoflower, who would not have recognized sarcasm if it had been making a handstand on an empty barrel in front of him while being stark naked, answered, “Among other things. But I know a thing or two about living under a ruthless dictator.” He said the words as if he had carefully learned them and then repeated them to himself often enough to be able to say them without a shudder.

And somehow, Sophie had the feeling that the reason for that was not the dictator. “You did?”

He nodded. “Until Rincewind came along with his army of clay men…”

“Now we’re making a big deal about Golems? Never could abide them myself” Granny answered. “Made by wizards of sorts, you see, and so of course they didn’t give them any free will, that would be too _complicated_ …”

“Oh, he made them all do his bidding” Twoflower continued brightly, “And he saved me and my daughters and every single citizen of –“

“Someone make him stop” the bag said.

“Will you be silent?” Sophie asked.

“I just wanted to point out that trading tales about the great wizard is not going to help us find the palace, is it” the bag continued. “I mean, with our castle, at least we always know we just have to wait a bit for it to come around again, and every can tell you where the King’s palace is…”

“That may be but it doesn’t help us at the moment…”

They had made it down a few more streets when a gentle voice asked from behind them, “Do you need help?”

It was surprising enough in this place that they all turned around.

The woman appeared to be in her mid- to late forties; she was looking at them with eyes full of sorrow. It was the first emotion other than fear that Sophie had seen on any of their faces apart from Vinchy’s.

“Well” Granny said. “We could use a place to stay the night”.

She nodded. “I thought as much. You’re obviously not from here.”

**Pseudopolis Yard – Ankh-Morpork**

Commander Sam Vimes of the City Watch of Ank-Morpork was (reluctantly as always) busy with paperwork, which meant that the sounds coming from downstairs where more than welcome; however, by the time he arrived at the room where the noises had come from, Constable Carrot was already arranging the clean up of, as it turned out, two broken windows and a half-destroyed desk.

“What happened, Constable?”

He saluted. “A piece of luggage with legs, sir. A door showed up, it burst through, made a round – walked all over Sergeant Colon, sir, he’ll be fine, though – and then left again. The door disappeared.”

Vimes thought about it for a moment and quickly came to a decision. “If it comes back, detain and interrogate it.”

The rather implausibility of it returning[*] made the order easy to give.

Now, if they had actually succeeded in asking the luggage, it would have let them know some way or another that it was extremely displeased.

Being thrown into strange worlds was one thing, you know.

But coming out in the wrong spot in the right world was just annoying.

**Vinchen**

The woman – Vinchessa – led them to her house; Calcifer had wisely chosen to remain silent. Seeing as he had nine hundred ninety-nine years to go, Sophie wasn’t too worried about him staying in the bag for the night.

“You should be safe here. At least for now.”

“Thank you.”

She shrugged. “We have to help where we can.”

“Many people would not agree with you. Not many people here, anyway” Sophie said carefully.

“Yes” Twoflower added with his blunt honesty, “Forgive me if I say this, but they all seem rather indifferent…”

“Try being indifferent when your only daughter is being kept in the dungeons and you don’t know if they haven’t already…” she muttered to herself.

“Haven’t done what?” Granny Weatherwax asked surprisingly gently.

“Haven’t already…” a tear ran down her cheek. “Executed her.”

“What for!?” Sophie exclaimed. Based on the woman’s age, her daughter could hardly be twenty yet.

“Sometimes people get arrested and executed” she shrugged. “It’s how it is.”

“Of course” Granny muttered. “Keep them down. You wouldn’t happen to know the way to the palace, would you?”

But Vinchessa was shaking her head, an expression of honest regret on her face. “I’m sorry, but seeing as you are strangers, I am already risking a lot bringing you home, and I can’t risk Vinnie’s life more than I have already done –“

Sophie half-expected Granny to get angry, but she simply patted her hand. “Of course. Well, you’ve done us a big favour” and indeed Vinchessa had even shared her frugal dinner with them “And we’ll be sure to be on the lookout for her when we’ve made our way there.”

She nodded gratefully.

* * *

The next morning – their beds had hardly been what could be called comfortable, but really, Sophie had had it worse – they left as the light slowly made its way across the Disc,[*] Vinchessa promising to pray for them.

“Could it be” Twoflower suddenly asked, “That the palace would be at the centre of the maze?”

Until now, he had appeared rather dazed, a happy smile on his lips that had made Sophie feel rather uneasy, for some reason; but since Granny Weatherwax had been rather pensive as well and occasionally muttered to herself “Why no dreams for me?”, she hadn’t mentioned it.

“They normally like to do that, yes” Granny Weatherwax said. “Once had a bard come around sing a song about how people had to be sacrificed to a giant bull in a maze. Didn’t understand why the town didn’t just say no.”

“In that case” he said, “We should probably be heading in that direction.” He pointed.

“Why?” Sophie wanted to know.

“Because that is the way to the centre of the maze” he said artlessly.

“How do you know that?”

Sophie would never be quite sure what he told her then. There were quite a few words she didn’t understand, but it seemed that he had been working on the in-ssurence of a maze and that because of the eco-gnomical reasoning behind it, he had made extra sure everything went well by studying the plans.

And somehow, he had failed to mention that until now. When she asked, he simply said, “You seemed to know what you were doing.”

“But we didn’t know the way!”

“But you seemed to know _how_ to find out.”

She looked at Granny Weatherwax; she was clearly unimpressed and about to give him a piece of her mind. She would have loved to do the same, but it was time they got to the palace and cleared this whole mess up, and so she hastened to say, “Lead the way, then.”

* * *

Twoflower leading the way was exactly as she would have imagined it to be: he felt the need to helpfully explain how he was navigating the maze. Sadly, he still used words she had never heard of, and she was rather sure if she asked, she wouldn’t understand that explanation, either.

“And then the elgo-rhythm of the maze turned out to be –“

“I don’t know what this in-ssurence is” Granny Weatherwax pronounced, “but it sounds like _wizard magic_ to me.”

“Oh it’s not, and it is very helpful. You see, you pay a certain amount of money, and in case something happens to the property you in-ssured, you get a sum –“

“Wait” she said, “Are you telling me people are giving you their money because of something that _hasn’t_ happened yet?”

“Yes, that is –“

“Idiocy. Complete and utter idiocy.”

“But you’d want to replace your lost property, wouldn’t you –“

“And if I hadn’t given you my money, I could use it to do that!”

Even Twoflower seemed to realize it was hopeless.

“Anyway, lead on, Macduff” she said. “Heard that from one of those _plays_ were people put on costumes and pretend to be someone they are not.” She pronounced the word _play_ like an insult.[*] 

“Actually I think I saw the same piece – after Rincewind defeated our leader, people started coming to our home country you see, and they were on a tour – and I think the correct quote is –“

The withering glare she bestowed on him was enough to make even Twoflower stop talking.

“Alright, let’s go” Sophie said quickly.

* * *

It is always assumed that news travels fast in a small community, and usually, that is true. However, when said small community has been brow-beaten by their increasingly insane leaders for centuries into believing that it is best to keep one’s mouth shut and hope one won’t end up being executed, then news tends to travel slower than average.

Even so, it was inevitable that eventually someone should mention the two scary women, the smiling gentleman and their talking bag to someone who thought that, perhaps, someone more important than them should know about this because it might be Something That Needed To Be Dealt With, But Please Not By Me, I Have More Important Things To Do Like Try Not To Be Executed.

The trouble was that most people who were important had quarters right near the palace – or rather, it wasn’t trouble because it meant they would see the group eventually; but the trouble with _that_ was that someone might very well decide that anyone who had seen them and not reported it should end up on the execution list for tomorrow, so a few people eventually made their way to the palace through shortcuts.

[*]And a good thing it was too, since even Constable Carrot may have found the interview difficult due to the nature of the detainee.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]It works somewhat differently from the sunlight the people of Roundworld might be used to. For one, it takes its time.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Which to Granny, it was. Oh, she didn’t loathe the theatre – she hated it; and because hate is just love turned backwards, she never missed a performance she could visit.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	8. In Which Some Truths Are Revealed, And Two Wizards Prove To Be Utterly Useless

**Discworld – Vinchen – A Few Years Ago**

Vinkerd IV was a stickler for etiquette. The problem was that he tended to change said etiquette up to twenty-four times a day, and that any courtier who hadn’t realized or been appraised of the change by a well-meaning colleague (and there were rather few of those around, as basic decency was not something that was in high demand at the court) could very easily end up with a head less than they’d had in the morning.

As of twenty minutes ago, anyone who wanted to approach Vinkerd had to knock on the door, wait for a moment, knock three more times, clear his throat, shuffle his feet (how the emperor would know that he had done that was a question no well-versed courtier would have dared to even think to think about), open the door, then rob into the room on his knees, pronounce he had news, and then give said news in a “polite” manner.

Fifteen minutes ago however, he had decided that would take too long, and so he shouted “Come in!” the second the first knock sounded out.

If hesitation produced a noise, that noise would have emitted from the door loud and clearly.

“Oh, for God’s sake, come in, I don’t have all the time in the world!” shouted the man who, after decreeing himself the Lord of Time a while ago out of impatience to have dinner, should have had the confidence to claim that he had.

Like his etiquette, it was all in the name of efficiency, of course. He was, after all, the best leader in the world.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

The man who stepped through the door was one who had been serving him for four years now – a record no one had broken, and probably never would.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) He was a master in the art of reading the emperor’s mind, of telling him what to do without seeming to do so, and also the fastest runner in Vinchen – a fact that had saved his life thirty-seven times already, since by the time the guards had caught up with him, Vinkerd had decided he was too useful to be beheaded.

Oh yes, Mauvais Vinchiers knew exactly how to deal with his efficient and very very sane[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) emperor, which didn’t mean, however, that he wasn’t careful at all times.

And so he still robbed in on his knees until he was ordered to “get up and tell me, you swine-nosed idiot.”

“Oh Great Vinkerd, ruler of Vinchen, Lord of Time, the brightest star in the –“

“I said TELL ME!”

“We need to talk about the taxes to be collected for the benefit of the land, your Majesty.”

Despite the land being quite literally a city, Vinkerd insisted on it being called a land because it sounded grander, and Mauvais had seen many a promising courtier stumble across that and end up in the hands of the executioner.

“Oh? Did we say we would do that today?”

“Yes, your Majesty. You see, the guards that you in your wisdom ordered should collect them often fail to do so.”

Mauvais had always known no good would come of training the guards the way they did. Mostly because it consisted of throwing a spike in their hands and explaining that no, no one should leave through the hole in the Wall, and if someone did, the guards were sure to be one head shorter than the day before if anyone found out; and as for collecting money, well, they had seen so little of it they had genuinely been surprised that they were given additional tasks.

“Maybe that means we shouldn’t collect them at all” Vinkerd suddenly had one of these leaps of logic that only ever happened to geniuses, small children or those who were truly, irreversibly bonkers. “Maybe the gods don’t want us to…”

“Your Majesty abolished any religion that wasn’t focused on worshipping your own self” Mauvais reminded him.

“Oh? When was that?”

“Seven months and three days ago.” He had learned the hard way that Vinkerd always wanted exact information when it came to things like this – or rather, had had to run away from the guards fourteen times because of said wish.

“Ah. Well, can’t be that, then, since I ordered it myself.”

Mauvais took a deep breath. It was one of his Majesty’s better days, which meant he would have to be careful – he might just get a hint of what was to come otherwise. “Your majesty… I have a plan. Might I whisper it in your ear, so no one else has a chance to overhear us?”

Playing on Vinkerd’s paranoia usually worked, and it did so today as well.

He leaned forward.

He never saw the knife that Mauvais stabbed into his back as he, too, moved to make it seem like he would start to impart his wisdom any second.

**Vinchen – Now**

“Strangers!?” Mauvais repeated. The man was babbling like an idiot. But that, he was used to.

Strangers in Vinchen? Not so much.

“Yes, your excellence”. He bit his lip. “What are we supposed to –“

“Well, apprehend them, you fool!”

He stared at him.

“Arrest. Hold. Interrogate” he clarified.

“Sorry, your excellence, it’s just that seems very important, so maybe we should ask the emperor…”

“Our beloved emperor is not to be disturbed” he hissed. “You know he gave me full reign of the palace to ensure it doesn’t happen. So go and apprehend them!”

The man knew better than to argue.

So far so good. Now Mauvais just had to figure out what the strangers were doing in Vinchen, and why they should have arrived _now_ , when he was so close to achieving his goal, of all times. And then he’d have to supress all information about these visitors, keep them a secret.

For he could not deal with deflections now, especially since he had his own secret.

Unfortunately for Vinchen, it was thus:

Mauvais Vinchiers, the former First Adviser to the Emperor Vinkerd IV, was not insane like his former employer had been as well.

In fact, he was so utterly and completely sane that it almost made him mad as a march hare.

**Ingary**

“May I make a suggestion” Rincewind asked in the tone of someone who had never been allowed to make a suggestion in his entire life without risking bodily harm.

“Now” Howl announced, “We did agree that this was the only way –“

“You told me it was, slung a rope around me and threw me through the door. Repeatedly.”

As a matter of fact, Rincewind was becoming something of a master at landing on his feet, which he however considered a bad sign, because anything he became good at usually was just some sort of trap.

So far, the worlds he had visited included: one that was almost entirely made out of fire and had scorched his hat (which he took issue with – yes, it was old and battered and he had had to write Wizzard on it to make people understand he was, in fact, a wizard, but it was still _his hat_ ); one where people seemed bent on doing everything the opposite way of what he was used to, considering they had been walking around on their hands (quite frankly, Rincewind had had the feeling that this meant something awful when one considered the implications, so he had stayed clear away from doing that); somewhere that seemed to be in the same world as Howl’s home, but on another – well, he supposed it could have been a different continent but he had no way of knowing that; and of course that unforgettable time when he’d landed in the middle of an ocean.

And that were just the highlights.

None of the places he had visited where on Discworld, though. He would have been able to tell. He might have been a poor wizard, but even so, he still was one, and he saw things for what they were.

Which was one of the reasons he was really getting fed up with Howl. If he wanted to be either known as a coward or as a hero, he should pick one side and stick to it. Not that Rincewind had much experience pretending to be something he wasn’t. He’d always been rather too glad to show the world his true, worried face.

“We have to find it eventually.”

“And what if we _do_ find it?” he demanded. “You’ll just yank me back and we’ll have no way of finding –“

“Ah!” Howl exclaimed, pointing at the bottles he’d been working on the door with every time before he pushed Rincewind through it again, “But I know exactly what mixture I use – it’s a different one with each new try, you see. So we’ll be able to replicate that and get you back home and rescue my wife and fire demon!”

It was worse than Rincewind had feared. There _was_ actual method to his madness. Always the most dangerous ones, those people. “But –“

“Don’t argue, no time like the present.”

“I don’t know in how many worlds I have been last night and today” he complained (at least he’d managed to make Howl let him sleep for a few hours while he tinkered about), knowing fully well that usually complaining wasn’t of any use, not when it came to him, but it was a habit he’d always found difficult to break, “I haven’t eaten, I’m exhausted, I –“

It was then that Howl tried to tie the rope around and get him to step through the door again, but this time, he was prepared.

And a second later, Rincewind and Howl, lying in each other’s arms – or rather, wrestling with one another – fell through.

* * *

“This is all your fault!” Howl screamed as they fell through the colours. Rincewind, however, was too occupied with the fact that he was apparently trying to strangle him.

“Ugh.” He couldn’t say more.

“We had a plan! It was working.”

“Ugh.”

“Alright, maybe we hadn’t found the right place yet, but I lost the rope, how are we supposed to get back –“

Rincewind was distracted by the fact that the colours looked a bit different than they had before – also, he was rather sure he was slowly running out of air.

“Ugh.”

And the librarian wasn’t there to translate his last words. What a pity. Not that they would have been very eloquent; most likely they would have sounded like “Would you let go of my windpipe for a moment, please, if you want me to answer –“ but still.

“What the bloody hell are we supposed to do you –“ And then he broke into a language that Rincewind had never heard before, but based on what he could hear when he wasn’t focusing on the black spots that were appearing in front of his eyes, he got an impression of what Howl meant.

And then they fell into a world Rincewind knew very well indeed. Oh, not the right place, of course; that would have been a miracle, but close enough.

“Ugh.”

Howl was still holding on. “And now what are we supposed to do –“

“We’re in Klatch” he somehow managed to force out; Howl let go immediately.

“You know this place?”

He nodded miserably. “Bad memories. Like everywhere else, really.”

“Hah, then my plan worked!” he said. “So now we only have to find Sophie and Calcifer and –“

And then what, Rincewind thought. That was the question. Howl struck him as the type of person who would happily say “And then we will see” and that had never been a good sign, at least for him.

“So where is this Klatch?”

“We are definitely on the Discworld, but not in Ankh-Morpork”.

“Doesn’t mean they aren’t here – they didn’t have to land in the exact same place you came from, you know.”

He was very aware of that.

And now they had to go through the whole of Discworld apparently. If Howl’s determination was anything to go by.

And to think his day had started out so well.

That was a lie, of course. But sometimes, Rincewind liked to pretend to himself that at least some of his days did.

[*]Again, according to Vinkerd IV.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As a matter of fact, said man had just set out to make certain no one would, as can be read in the following paragraphs.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]In his own mind.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	9. In Which Some People Are Shot At And Some Others Are Arrested

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of poking fun at a certain adaptation here^^

**Discworld – Somewhere in Klatch**

“What do you mean, you can’t even tell _where_ on Klatch we are?” Howl demanded.

“It’s very hot and we’re going to starve most likely anyway” Rincewind said, rather calm again now that a bad thing had happened. This was what he was good at – well, _not_ good at. But this was what he was _used_ to, and there was some comfort in that.

He didn’t pay him attention. “Alright. So we’re on the continent of Klatch on Discworld…” Howl mumbled to himself. “What are we going to do now, that is the problem.”

Not in Rincewind’s experience. He was far more accustomed to things happening to him then doing them himself. That tactic had not exactly a tradition of working out well, but it seemed to be how things _were_.

“Now, if something magical was to go on on Discworld, where would you think it would?”

“The Unseen University” he answered matter-of-factly. “That’s where the door appeared, and in general, magical –“

“Alright!” Howl declared, standing up and dusting sand off himself, his suit and, in the process, onto Rincewind, “As before – we have to go there, then.”

He stared at him. “We’re in Klatch! We’ll have to walk all the way back, unless you want to make your way past any fool who is mad enough to want to stomp through the wilderness and then take a short but dangerous voyage across the Circle Sea to –“

He knew it had been the wrong thing to say when Howl simply grinned at him once more.

* * *

“But you don’t understand! The Circle Sea is dangerous!” Rincewind was doing his best to appeal to any cowardly instincts that might have survived Howl’s concern for his wife, which seemed to have beaten them all into submission. “There are pirates and sharks and giant squids –“

“Really?”

“Alright, there was one” he conceded, “And he was rather not… very near where we are currently. But still…”

“There is no “but stills” in daring rescues” Howl replied, “And what is more, I am rather certain Sophie would be angry if she thinks we didn’t do everything to sa- get her back; and you don’t want to see my wife angry.”

Remembering her sister, Rincewind shivered and decided he was most likely right about that. “But where are we to get a boat? Or provisions? And how are we even going to get to –“

“The first phase will be to get to the sea.”

“But what about –“

“We have a first phase, and that is quite something.”

Really, it was rather nothing, in Rincewind’s opinion, but he had learned the hard way that now and then, there was nothing one could do.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

* * *

“So I was having the time of my life on May Day, and while I was wooing the damsels and wowing the gentlemen, I just happened to notice that young girl walking around all by herself in that grey dress, and I thought I’d show her a good time, so we flew over the city together, and she was naturally awed…”

Howl had for some reason decided that Rincewind would like to hear all about how he and his wife had met; and what was even more insulting, he was not only not a very bad coward, but a very poor liar, too. From everything he’d said before, it was rather clear that his wife would _not_ have been happy about being dragged into the air without being asked beforehand; and he could not imagine Sophie, who he had heard so much about already, being awed by anything.

Still – at least it kept Howl from explaining his schemes to him, and they tended to make him very very nervous, so he would take this.

“You see, she’d been working at her stepmothers’ hat shop and didn’t really know much about… anything, so I decided to take pity on her…”

He was laying it on a bit thick.

“And when we met again she was an old lady, and it took someone like me to see through the façade and fall in love with her – and I even managed to do so without my heart.”

Was that even a boast? Rincewind had met several people who could reasonably claim they had no heart, and at least two where he was sure that had actually been true.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) However, none of them had struck him as being someone desirable to be.

And then an arrow stick into the sand next to them.

“What was that?” Howl, who had let out a rather effeminate shriek, asked.

“Oh, imported Skund bows, I’d say. Normally, they prefer good old-fashioned swords –“ another arrow missed them “Which is why they probably aren’t that good at hitting anything.”

“But I mean, why and how –“

“Have you never heard of robbers before?” Rincewind asked conversationally as another arrow flew past him, choosing to believe that Howl wouldn’t be too interested in learning that they were called D’reg.

* * *

Whatever else he had to say about Howl, and given the chance, he would have said a lot, Rincewind would have had to admit one thing from that moment on: Howl was a superb runner. He probably was as good a runner as he himself was, which was a rather big compliment, considering how often a well-timed jog had saved him.

Another arrow breezed by.

“How far away are they?” Howl wheezed.

“Getting closer.”

“You didn’t even turn around!”

“I don’t have to. They are always getting closer.”

“Quite the glass half full man, aren’t you.”

“My glass being half full at any given moment would be an improvement,”

Howl muttered another curse in that language of his Rincewind couldn’t even try and begin to understand, not even with magic, as more arrows were poorly shot at them.

They turned a corner – well, hid behind a boulder, but in the dessert, that was the same thing – and Howl asked, “Don’t you know any spells that could help us?”

“Have you met me?”

“Fine, then I’ll have to do something” he announced in the voice of something who didn’t actually know what he was supposed to do, or how.

**Discworld – Vinchen**

They made it to the palace. Twoflower had been right about the maze, and Sophie told him so.

“Don’t see what’s all the fuss about” Granny muttered. “Numbers and – what did you say – stet-es-ics?”

“Stat-is-tics, yes –“

“Big words so those who come up with them feel like they are actually doing something worthwhile.”

“At least he got us through the maze” the bag said.

“Now –“

Someone cleared their throat behind them. “Excuse me?”

They turned to find a few nervous-looking guards staring at them.

* * *

Vinchense Toben III decided that he had not been trained for this. Mainly because he hadn’t. He was supposed to have a cushy job, now and then pick up people and throw them in the dungeon, or occasionally deliver them to the executioner. But that was different. Those were people he knew, who were mostly relieved that they got to see a familiar face for one last time before the axe fell.

These were _strangers_. Worse, strangers who had made it beyond the door and to the palace. The Gods alone knew what could happen. “We would be very glad if you would agree to accompany us…”

Sophie thought quickly. They were four, even Twoflower seemed to have some sort of experience when it came to fighting, Calcifer was a fire demon, and she was rather sure she could count on Granny.

But…

She turned to look at her and read her own thoughts in her eyes. What would it help to get rid off a few downtrodden soldiers? They needed to get to the one who was in charge and find out what was happening.

“Well then, young man” Granny declared, strolling up to him and almost making him faint when she poked his breastplate, “You better take us to wherever you want to take us.”

If it was possible, he looked even more downtrodden than he had before.

* * *

To say Vinchense hadn’t wanted to take them to the one who had actually given them the order to arrest the strangers would have been an understatement of rather enormous proportions; in fact, it would have been so big that it would have been debatable whether it would have found place on Discworld at all.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

Everyone knew about Mauvais Vinchiers. Everyone knew what happened if one disappointed him.

Yes, Vinchense was absolutely and completely terrified.

“Are you quite sure” he repeated top his subordinate, hoping once more that the instruction would magically change, “That we are to deliver them to the First Adviser?”

“Yes sir” the young man reported and he reflected sadly that things really had gone downhill since he had joined the guard an entire year ago.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

He sighed. “Alright, let’s do it.”

* * *

Thankfully, Calcifer kept silent for once. Sophie was still carrying the bag which a young guard soon tried to take from her.

“What are you doing?” Granny asked. “You better not think about taking my bag! I have my rights!”

In Vinchen, prisoners actually had no rights and the guard would have been able to explain this if Granny’s withering stare wouldn’t have robbed him of the ability to speak.

The bag stayed in Sophie’s hands.

* * *

“Sir!” another guard rushed towards them. “You are to take the prisoners to the dungeon, sir. The First Adviser has to –“ he stopped talking briefly and contemplated how to say that their _special guests_ , as the First Adviser always put it, had blown up another table, “There is a crisis the First Adviser has to deal with, so they are to go in the dungeon for now.”

He breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright. Let’s go, guys.”

“But –“ Sophie tried to protest “But we need to speak to him!”

“Trust me, ma’am” he said politely, “No one needs to speak to the First Adviser. If anything, he needs to speak to you. And if he does… he shuddered. “Pray to the Gods.”

* * *

“This isn’t good” Calcifer announced, drifting out of the bag. After Granny’s outburst, the guards had thankfully decided they wanted nothing to do with their baggage whatsoever and so they had not been separated.

“Oh I’ve seen worse” Granny said simply.

“We are in a dungeon!”

“And you call yourself a fire demon! What’s one dungeon against a fire demon?”

“If I do anything it will attract attention, and not even I can fight against one entire army…”

“Quite frankly, you should have thought about that before you fell from the skies” Granny declared in a voice that brooked no argument.

“He really couldn’t do anything about that” Sophie told her. “And he was one of the few who didn’t want to.”

She seemed to accept that explanation since she calmed down. “Fine. Then what are we doing to do now?”

“This is a rather comfortable dungeon” Twoflower told them happily. “Much better than others.”

“Have you been in dungeons often?” Sophie asked as calmly as she could. She’d already tried to order the locks to open twice, but they hadn’t obeyed, and she and Granny agreed there must be some form of magic of this world involved to keep hers from working.

Not that she was close to despairing. No, far from it; but she was rather sure she was about to lose her temper. Normally that would at least have produced a result, but currently it would be of no use whatsoever.

“A few times.” Twoflower’s face lit up. “Normally, this is where Rincewind comes into play –“

“Yes, well, he’s not here yet” Granny decided sarcastically, although the sentiment was lost on Twoflower. “So we will have to manage by ourselves.”

[*]“You really cannot do this! I protest, Lady – “ but the Lady only smiled that old, knowing smile of hers, and Fate had no choice but to accept that her piece was back on the board.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Igors are a funny bunch.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Metaphorically speaking, of course, since not-wanting something is not a true measurable quantity, although there are worlds where it is, and is in fact used as currency. It might have cheered Vinchense up to know that what he was currently feeling would have been enough to feed his family for the next three generations and buy a reasonably large mansion in that world, but then again, it might not.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Naturally they had sent their youngest recruits. There has always been the unspoken consensus amongst military personal that they should first waste the young ones before risking something important like, for example, themselves.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)


	10. In Which There Is A Discussion About A Breakout, and Some Wandering About

**Discworld – Vinchen – The Dungeon Of The Palace**

There had to be a way out, Sophie decided. Ever since she had been turned into an old woman and then back again[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) she had learned that there was _always_ a way out.

So she looked over the walls of the dungeon. Surely there was a weak spot _somewhere_.

Twoflower seemed to have a different opinion. He had sat down on one of the sand sacks that were apparently supposes to serve as beds and was now busy declaring, “Excellent architecture. Rather impossible to break out of, I am afraid.”

“You wait and watch, young man” Granny said. She was busy inspecting the dungeon too. “Do you have anything to say, fire demon?”

“My name is _still_ Calcifer” once more came the muffled response from the bag. “And I am just waiting to make sure no one is watching us.”

“No one is” she declared, “they are all too scared about what we might do. Then they might have to react.” Her voice dripped with the derision of a person who had spent her life immediately reacting to things, and who had no intention of letting the habit go any time soon.

At this answer, the demon drifted out of the bag and started gliding around their prison cell. “This certainly has a lot of – is that blood?”

Sophie had already noticed it but decided not to say anything since it wouldn’t help; plus, she was somewhat distracted by the fact that the light emanating from her friend seemed duller than usual. Twoflower of course got up immediately and confirmed that it was, in fact, blood.

“This doesn’t bode well” Calcifer said.

“You don’t _have_ blood” Sophie reminded him.

“Just means they will try extra hard to do something nasty to me. If I had all my powers…”

“You don’t? Why didn’t you tell me! My magic isn’t working, either –“

“It was never the right moment –“

“You can still fly” Granny said. “That’s not bad for something like you.”

“Hey!”

“It was a compliment” she said absent-mindedly.

“Just because you have a problem with fire demons –“

“It’s not the demonic part. You are most _definitely_ a person” was all the explanation he got. “Now, if we can’t use magic to get out of this – quite frankly, it’s not a surprise – we’ll have to use headology again.”

“You mean we should knock on the door and demand to be left out?” Sophie asked. That thought had not even crossed her mind so far.

“Exactly.” And before any of them could stop them, they did exactly that.

To their surprise, what answered them was a knock against the wall.

“This is rather –“

“Oh, I used to do that!” Twoflower said immediately. “It’s how I found Rincewind when I last spent time in a dungeon.”

Granny looked like that was reason enough for her not to investigate, but Sophie decided they might as well.

She knocked against the wall. “Hello? Can you hear us?”

“Yes” came the reply.

She realized the walls must not be as thick as they seemed. That must be good news. “Who are you?”

“Vinnie, ma’am.”

Of course it was. Of course. Sophie knew her stories; she really should have expected this.

“I see” Granny said. “And what are you in for, Vinnie?”

Why Vinchessa hadn’t given them a reason, it was probably a good thing to know, Sophie mused.

“I laughed when our emperor’s train went past us.”

“Why?”

“He wasn’t there.”

“Strange. Normally, they are naked when they do something like that, not absent” Granny muttered. “Fine. Vinnie, do you have any idea how to get out of here?”

“But we’re not supposed to get out!” She sounded scandalized.

“Imagine that” Granny replied dryly. “And were still going to.”

“Do you have any idea how many more people there are in the cells?” Sophie asked.

“Probably a lot. The emperor likes to set examples, as he puts it. Or rather…” she trailed off, apparently not wishing to divulge more information.

“Or rather?” Sophie prompted gently. She had the feeling that the girl would probably react better to a kind approach. Granny Weatherwax might have been a witch in her own right, but she didn’t think she’d be very gentle.

“Well – it’s –“ her voice dropped even lower so they had strain to hear her. “They say that actually it’s the First Adviser who reigns. That he uses the emperor like a puppet, that he has him locked away somewhere in the palace… I mean, everyone knows the emperor is – is –“ it seemed more than she could bare to say it out loud.

“Crazy?” Granny asked.

The silence on the other side of the wall was answer enough.

“How did you know?” Twoflower asked.

“The train. No emperor in their right mind wouldn’t be there as long as the crown was on their heads.”

“The crown was melted down centuries ago” the voice said gently.

“Well, I was speaking metaphiraccly” Granny said wisely. “So, any chance anyone came up with a plan while we were talking to Vinnie here?”

She glared at Twoflower and Calcifer.

“In my experience” Twoflower said blithely, “Eventually someone comes to get you.”

“Hm” Granny began, “Vinnie, how long have you been here?”

“A while.”

“Then waiting is not an option.”

“Wasn’t bringing us here not part of the plan originally?” Calcifer asked. “In that case, someone would come to fetch us –“

“Yes, but the emperor is also mad, and this First Adviser chap’s busy, so the gods know how long they will have to deal with that instead.”

Sophie meanwhile had politely told Vinnie that they were going to try and break out now, and that they would do their best to help her too if she wanted.

“Oh no!” she said, surprising her. “At least I’ve got a roof over my head, and they give me something to eat every day.”

“But you’re locked up, and didn’t I hear something about possible executions?”

“Oh, but they could just as easily snatch me from the street if they wanted to execute me” she said simply, “It doesn’t really matter whether I am in here or out there.”

If someone had tried to drag Sophie to an execution, she would have screamed and yelled and quite possibly inadvertently hexed at least half of the attendants. Still, Vinnie sounded very young. Maybe that was the reason.

“Plus” she finally admitted, telling her the real reason, “I don’t know what they’d do to Mum if I escaped.”

“Your mum is fine” she hastened to say. “We met her. She misses you very much.”

More silence. Then, quietly, “Tell her I miss her too, but I am not risking her life”.

**Discworld – Ankh-Morpork**

“Well, Drumknott” the Patrician said, picking up his chair and putting it back behind his desk, “seems like someone will have to clean up this mess.”

His faithful secretary, who was in truth rather looking forward to said cleaning-up, asked, “Should I make a note about the luggage, sir?”

“What luggage?”

Drumknott knew well enough what that meant.

**Discworld – Klatch**

“Can’t you do some magic and get us out of here?” Rincewind demanded.

“Do you really think I’m not trying? The magic in your world must be different from that in ours –“

Of course it was. _Of course_ Rincewind couldn’t catch a break for once. “So what do you plan on doing?”

“Keep running.”

Well, he could do that. If he’d had time for a hobby between all the things that constantly happened to him, he would probably have been prepared to call _running away from danger_ his.

At least they seemed to have escaped the D’reg. For now.

And they were back on the Discworld, for better, for worse. Now of course they had to find Howl’s wife and the fire demon and then get them back home.

Really, Rincewind didn’t think his situation had changed all that much. He was still at the mercy of one mercurial wizard, and he’d still have to open a door to another world.

They finally stopped running and let themselves fall down on the ground behind another large boulder, just to make sure.

“Do things work like this around here?”

“When I am involved, yes.” And suddenly, Rincewind had an idea. “As a matter of fact, I am not only responsible for you being here, it’s probably my fault about the door in the first place, and we should separate so that nothing worse happens to you –“

“Nice try, but I need someone who knows this place.”

“I haven’t spent much time in Klatch.”

“Still more than me” Howl said.

Rincewind had to reluctantly concede that he had a point. “But this world is large, and we have no idea where your wife and that demon of yours ended up, maybe they’re not even in Ankh-Morpork…”

“We’ll have to check everywhere, then. Plus, I know Sophie. She’s doing her outmost to return home right now – and probably driving Calcifer up whatever wall they ended up at.”

These two, Rincewind decided, seemed to be a match made in Heaven.

* * *

Eventually, Rincewind’s stomach began to grumble. It was almost a relief when he realized Howl was hungry too.

“Do any edible plants grow around here?” Howl asked as they trudged on.

Rincewind thought about it. He had certainly been forced often enough to eat what he could get, and several times he had only found out that certain things weren’t poisonous by not dying after consuming them; but he didn’t think Howl would like that method. Unless, he thought morosely, if it was Rincewind who did the testing and he waited for half an hour.

“Well, there could be dates around at this time of the year…” he said slowly.

“Dates would be better than nothing, which is what we have right now.”

“Well, I can’t just magic them here, can I” he snapped.

“Why not? You are a wizard. It even says it on your hat! I mean this is your world – your magic should work!”

And that was because he needed people to remember he was one. “I have never been very good at magic” he admitted. “I was the assistant librarian at Unseen University, remember.”

“Magic books can be dangerous too” Howl pointed out with surprising wisdom.

“Yes, but the librarian usually has the upper hand, being a giant ape” Rincewind said, feeling rather homesick all of a sudden. Maybe because he was rather convinced that the librarian had been the only one at University who had ever liked him. Granted, that might have to do with him always being careful to have enough bananas, but still. Rincewind hadn’t often been liked.

Well, when it came to those he considered reasonably sane, at least. Twoflower had liked him too, but Twoflower liked _everyone_.

“Do you have many books?”

“We still aren’t sure how large the library is in the first place.”

“Ah.” There was a speculative gleam in Howl’s eyes that Rincewind didn’t like. “The librarian is really very protective when it comes to the books” he warned him.

“Oh, that’s alright. I can probably charm him into –“

“No one can charm an orangutan.”

“Right, I forgot. I’ll bring him a bunch of bananas then –“

Rincewind didn’t think it would be any help to point out that not only had Howl no idea how to get bananas in his world, he also wouldn’t be able to pay for them. To Howl, that would probably have only seemed a minor inconvenience. “Even bananas won’t make him forget to protect the books” he said, “And anyway there are some no one is allowed to touch.”

“What’s the point of having them, then?”

“Fancy having a dangerous spell stuck in your head?” Rincewind asked rather testily. He had never really had a home, but if he should have been forced to call something that, it would have been the University, and he felt rather put out about Howl trying to get at their books. “That’s what happened to me.”

Miraculously, it actually made Howl shut up.

Now they only had to find something to eat, and a place to put up for the night. It probably wouldn’t be very comfortable, but Rincewind was used to that.

At least he didn’t have to put up with Howl’s chatter for the time being.

* * *

They did in fact find some dates – at least they looked and tasted like dates, so Rincewind was prepared to call them that – and had something that could have optimistically been described as dinner.

They even found a patch of rather soft grass that would make for a better bed than Rincewind had had on several other nights of his life. Howl, of course, complained. “Isn’t there some inn we can –“

“The very first thing we met here tried to kill us, do you really want to risk that?”

“But it’s the ground –“

“Yes, and it’s _grass_ , in _Klatch_ , be grateful we have that.”

[*]With a few memorable experiences in-between.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	11. In Which Two Wizards Stumble Around, And Two Witches Deduce A Few Things

**Discworld – Klatch**

The night, according to Rincewind, was a success. No one had tried to kill or even attack them.

Howl of course complained about his clothes. “Look at this, the stains are never going to –“

Rincewind, who had spent most of his life in dirty clothes – in fact he was reasonably sure the only times they had ever been properly clean was when he had been forced to steal something off a clothesline – felt hardly sympathetic and was content to let him complain while he searched for something to eat.

“And my magic still isn’t working –“

“Imagine that” he muttered to himself. If he had thrown a fit every time his magic had failed to work, he would never finish.

“Well – you said you were at the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork when you went through the door, right?” Howl jumped to another subject again. By now, Rincewind had gotten used to his style of conversation, which was not to say that he liked it.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“Yes, and I do believe I have told you that repeatedly.”

“So I still believe that’s where we should go first. See if anyone has caught a glimpse of Sophie and Calcifer.”

If they were anything like Howl, Rincewind was ready to bet no one had been able to overlook them. “We will have to get there” he reminded him.

“Well” Howl drawled, casually leaning against a tree, looking more dashing than he had any right to. “I am sure we will find a way – it can’t be that far away, surely?”

“Oh you know” Rincewind said, “It’s just across the _sea_.”

“Now you are being stubborn.” Howl sighed. “Its makes me miss Sophie. At least I know where I am with her. She is usually awed when I come up with a plan –“

That lie was too easy to see through for Rincewind to comment on it. So instead, he held up a meagre two handful of dates. “Breakfast?”

* * *

What he would really have liked, Rincewind decided, was a cup of coffee. Not Klatchian coffee – the last thing he needed at the moment was being too sober – but perhaps another one like the one Megan had given him, that had been nice…

“So where do we need to go?” Howl asked.

Rincewind knew, of course. But telling him would only lead to them actually trying to get there, and –

Who was he kidding. Of course he had to tell him.

He pointed in the direction he thought they should take. “if I am right, we need to head east.”

“Then let’s do that” Howl decided.

Rincewind decided it wasn’t worth it to try and argue. He was far too used to people deciding such things for him.

* * *

And so they trudged along.

“Don’t you have some method of transportation?” Howl eventually asked. “I mean, there are horses –“

“And how are we supposed to get them with no money?”

Howl’s gaze was answer enough.

“No. Absolutely not. Do you know what they do to thieves in these parts?”

“No, and I rather suspect that I don’t want to find out, considering your reaction. And I wasn’t talking about stealing anything. I was just suggesting we borrow a pair of horses.”

“Can you even ride?” Rincewind didn’t point out to him that it seemed rather unlikely to him that, once they had found who they were looking for, Howl would actually go back and return the horses plus pay for their use.

“Of course I can” he answered, followed by, “It can’t be that difficult.”

“So you’ve never ridden before” he said matter-of-factly.

“I stand by what I said. How difficult could it be?”

Rincewind, who had learned riding exactly the way Howl seemed to expect to, didn’t reply.

* * *

At least they didn’t meet any more D’reg. That would have been unfortunate indeed. And, Rincewind reflected, as far as his usual adventures went, this day hadn’t been too bad until now. Yes, Howl kept chattering, but he’d had something to eat – although not much – and now they were walking around without anyone trying to kill them.

Things could only go downhill from here. They usually did when he thought something like this.

“How much longer is this going to take?” Howl asked.

“Oh” Rincewind replied, “You could always fly like you did when you met your wife.”

“Like I said” he declared, “My magic is affected by being stranded in a strange world, thanks to you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have insisted on shoving me through the door a hundred times!”

“It was a good plan!”

It had been an idiotic plan, but what good would it do to try and explain? Howl would just ignore him, like he ignored anything he didn’t want to hear.

“Hey, there’s a farm” Rincewind pointed out. “At least we can ask for directions.”

At least his Klatchian was still understandable enough.

* * *

It was a quaint little farm, Rincewind would have said if words like _quaint_ had been in his vocabulary. For Klatchian people, the farmers appeared to be well off. The few cows he could see were certainly well-fed and appeared much more content than Rincewind was sure he had ever been.

“Maybe you should take off the hat” Howl suggested and he stared at him, scandalized.

“No wizard would take off his hat!” In fact, he was rather sure the Bursar even showered with it, although he was probably not the best example.

Howl sighed. “Fine. Then go ahead.”

Rincewind knocked.

**Discworld – Vinchen – the Dungeon**

“Twoflower” Sophie said, looking at the lock again. It really _was_ annoying that her powers didn’t seem to be working as well in this strange world; normally, she would just have demanded the door open and it would have done so if it knew what was good for it.

“Yes?” he asked brightly, as she had known he would.

“Is there any chance that while you were working at – while you were –“

“In-ssuring” Granny supplied.

“Yes, thank you – you said you once had to learn how to design a maze. Is there any chance you had to do the same when it came to locks?”

“Well, it is vital that any goods be stored in absolute safety, so you can see why –“

“In other words” Granny, who had already caught on, interrupted him, “Can you pick it?” She herself didn’t have much experience when it came to such things; usually doors were opened for her or, in her village, not locked at all. What was the point of locking doors, anyway? It only made people curious what was behind them.

Twoflower appeared shocked. “But this is a dungeon!”

“An astute observation” Calcifer, who was hovering near Sophie and the door, drawled.

“But it’s supposed to keep people in! It’s forbidden to pick the locks!”

“And that attitude is why the people here get regularly executed” Granny said firmly. “And now do something.”

“But I don’t have anything to –“

Granny removed a pin from her hair. “There. Is that good enough?” her tone of voice suggested that it better be.

Twoflower carefully looked at it. “I could probably open the door with this, that is true, but – “

“We don’t have the time to sit around and wait for someone to come get us” Granny said. “If this insane emperor or whoever is truly in charge, this First Adviser for example, is indeed trying to do what I think he is trying to do…”

“What exactly would that be? You haven’t really told us everything in detail” Calcifer complained.

She hesitated, then took a deep breath. “Do you _really_ not know the truth about the Lords and Ladies?” she asked quietly.

“So they aren’t like those in our world?” Sophie asked.

“No.”

“Oh” Twofliower said suddenly, “You mean fair –“

“Don’t say it, for God’s sake, don’t say it! They can hear you!”

Sophie had caught on too but considering her experiences with magic decided it would probably be best to ask her advice. “Are they that dangerous?”

“Of course they are! Everyone always thinks of them as these little women with wings flying around making flowers bloom –“

“But isn’t that what they do?” Twoflower asked, his eyes widening. “I do remember reading –“

“Reading” Granny spat. “I am talking about the Lords and Ladies and he tries telling me something out of a book. You do know why those books were written? Because they _wanted_ them to be written that way. So people would not only forget how they really are, but would always remember them wrong.”

“You mean nice?” Twoflower asked. “But I am sure if we explain to them that we don’t want any trouble –“

The look Granny bestowed on him was one she had last levelled at Tertius’ Stormhold’s youngest when he’d gone a bit funny in the head two winters ago and insisted he was a broom and that he had every right to sweep the floor with his head if he wanted to.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote%22%E2%80%9D) Then she decided it wasn’t worth it and said, “Someone is trying to open a door to their world. And they, of course, want to come here. They always do.”

“Wait – if someone is trying to open a door…” Sophie said slowly.

“Then something could very easily have gone wrong, and that is the reason we are here” Calcifer said.

“I assume so. People play around with magic and think it’s all fun and games until the Lords and Ladies actually arrive” Granny said, her voice dripping with derision. “Now, Twoflower, how is it going?”

“I think I should –“ The door opened with a click and Twoflower got up from his kneeling position. “Really, this was rather easy; if I were to advise them, I would say that they should invest in –“

But none of them listened to him.

Sophie asked their neighbour once more if she wanted to come with them, but she declined, and so they left the cell, Calcifer once more hidden in Granny’s bag, much to his annoyance.

“There are barely any guards here” Sophie said as they made their way through countless corridors; for such a small kingdom, if certainly had a big palace[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) “At home, the king’s palace is always full of servants.”

“They probably don’t need all that many guards, considering how downtrodden the people are” Granny answered. “It’s like vegitition, as I always tell Gytha, _as I already told you_. You step on something long enough, it forgets that it ever stood up straight. Could be the guards who brought us here were most of what they had.”

“In that case, they didn’t seem very enthusiastic” Twoflower said. “That’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

No, if anything, they had been scared and intimidated and had had no idea what to do.

The problem, as Sophie had learned, was that Twoflower tended to see everything as a good sign. “Could be” she said, thinking of scarecrows and vases with fire demons in them. “But there is always a catch.”

“Why should there be?”

“Because there _always is_ , didn’t you hear what she said?” Granny scolded him. “That’s just how it works.”

Twoflower apparently had no answer to that.

Granny’s bag, however, did.

“I really wish” Calcifer sighed, “You hadn’t said that.”

“Why?” Granny asked, glaring at the bag.

“In my experience, catches are a lot like curses – they only work when one believes in them.”

[*]In fact, if anyone had bothered to ask, although no one did because, as Rincewind would have told you, this was his life so why should anyone, he would readily have admitted that it was his second to last favourite style of conversation, the very last place naturally being taken by talks that consisted of “Throw the guy in the pointy hat in the dungeon” and “Off with his head!”[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]It had cured him immediately, and these days, he had a house, steady work, and was engaged to a nice sensible girl, much to his mother’s joy.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As is the rule of the universe – no matter which – it is important to point out at this point that someone may or may not have been overcompensating for something when he conceived the plans. It might just be possible.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	12. In Which Some Alchemists Are Met, And A Dward Finds Herself Having Houseguests

**Vinchen – The Palace – No Longer The Dungeon**

“Is this another maze” the voice from the bag asked, “Or do we just not know where we are going?”

“I don’t know” Sophie said, squinting at the walls. “Might be a test.”

“What for?” Granny asked.

“Bad people… they like to play with the likes of us, do they?”

Granny looked like she was scandalized by the very concept of someone playing with her. “In that case, I will tell them very firmly what I think of them. They got no business letting two women run around like that looking for them.”

“Two women. Of course” Calcifer said, sounding grumpy, but Sophie knew his moods too well by now to worry about it.

Twoflower, meanwhile, gave the impression of someone who had absolutely no problem being run around by someone else as long as he would eventually reach where he wanted to go. Which was probably the truth.

“Now, we need to see this First Adviser, since he seems to be the one pulling the strings around here” Granny was saying, “or maybe we should be looking for the wizards he employs first…”

“Could be witches” Twoflower said.

She didn’t even deign this worthy of an answer.

An explosion in a faraway part of the castle soon caught their attention.

“Told you” Granny declared. “There are _definitely_ wizards here.”

* * *

The alchemists were not, technically, wizards, and in fact many of their colleagues would have scoffed at being called such.

However, those who worked for the First Adviser had little choice but to accept any title bestowed upon them; with the guards’ swords in an uncomfortable vicinity to their throats, questions of vocabulary were simply not at the forefront of their minds.

Toby Smog was rather unhappy on this fine – well, _fine_ for Vinchen’s standards, meaning they actually had breakfast – morning. That was nothing new in itself; after all, he had had a rather cushy place in the alchemists’ guild, and then one day an explosion had thrown him across the country and right into Vinchen, and he had been recruited for the emperor’s, or, as he well knew but didn’t like to think about, the First Adviser’s private army of alchemists.

As it turned out, they were alchemists from all over the country who had found their way – well, had been _made_ to find their way – here and now they were stuck working for – for –

He didn’t quite know how to describe who they were working for, and thought it best not to worry.

At least this time the explosion had been relatively small. Not even their equipment had been damaged too badly.

And that was, if you thought about it for just one minute, a damn shame.

Toby might not have had the knowledge of a witch or a wizard, but as an alchemist, he had learned early that if something felt wrong, one should do one’s best to run into the other direction as quickly as possible.

And this felt wrong. Despite the fact that he’d always thought of fairies as fair-ly[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) harmless, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive.

Something had to happen, and soon.

Toby had no idea of knowing that within a few minutes, he would learn the meaning of the saying _be careful what you wish_ for very well indeed.

* * *

“They must be somewhere around here” Sophie decided, looking around. “The explosion definitely came from hereabouts”.

“Oh wonderful” the bag said. “I cannot wait to see someone who just caused a huge explosion. Or at least the parts of them we can still see…”

“Will you be silent” Granny said. “If they are men, and I still hold by the fact that they are wizards, then they must be rather nervous, and even I admit that it might not be the best idea to scare them –“

And then Twoflower, in his infinite trust that if things were not going to be alright, the universe would not have allowed them to happen in the first place, knocked on the door Sophie had indicated.

“What are you –“

They were surprised to hear someone squeak, “Come in, your excellence!”

“They must have mistaken us for someone else –“ Twoflower said.

“Speak for yourself” Granny said, sweeping past him and opening the door.

* * *

Well, she wasn’t surprised. This place was a mess. It looked like some of Gytha’s grandchildren had been there and decided to amuse themselves the way she usually did. She always insisted it was good for them to get “their wild phase out early”, but looking at her, Granny had always doubted it worked. “What happened here?” she demanded with her usual authority.

The wizards, although ones who weren’t wearing pointy hats, stared at them.

Then one, who seemed to catch on a bit faster than the others, cleared his throat and said, “The malchelar exploded.”

“Yes, clearly” she replied, not caring that she had no idea what a malchelar was. Granny had never wasted time with such nonsense. “So what were you trying to do?” she glared at him.

“It is very important that you tell us” Sophie decided to chime in. They definitely needed answers, and while she was rather used of this way of getting information herself, Granny had been right, they did look rather scared.

“Well…” the man said. “The thing is, I don’t know how to disclose…”

“You are from Ankh-Morpork, aren’t you?” Twoflower asked him pleasantly. “Your accent sounds just like Rincewind’s.”

He looked from his colleagues to them, then nodded miserably. “We’re all prisoners here.”

“Well, we used to be ones ourselves, and look at us now” Granny replied. “Things can change.”

“We were in the dungeon just a short time ago” Sophie added. “And you are wizards – what’s keeping you from fleeing?”

“We are alchemists” he said and Sophie decided that there must be some difference between them and wizards that made them feel superior.

She had never liked that attitude much.

“And, well – you see – we don’t just – work for the emperor – there is also –“

“I could have sworn” a smooth voice said behind them, “That I gave orders to bring you to the dungeon.”

**Death’s Domain**

Albert was busy making himself a nice steak, the cat[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) looking on hungrily.

“Don’t even think about it” he said, moving to put it onto a plate –

The door to the kitchen burst open and something big with many, many legs ran in, thoroughly trashing up the place as it did so.

Five minutes later, in a now luggage-less kitchen, Albert sighed and concentrated on fixing things, since the cat had made away with his lunch.

**Discworld – Klatch**

The dwarf who opened the door seemed friendly enough, but Rincewind had his experiences with friendly. Usually that only lasted as long as they realized who they were talking to. “Yes?”

He wanted to sensibly explain that, due to unfortunate circumstances, they were strangers here and didn’t have foot or a roof over their heads, but then Howl swept in.

Literally.

With a dramatic bow, he declared, “Excuse me, madam. May I ask if you are the proprietor of this beautiful abode?”

_How had he been able to tell with the beard?_

To Rincewind’s surprise, the dwarf held her hand in front of her mouth and giggled while blushing slightly. “Yes, sir. Yes I am.”

“Oh please madam, there is no need to call me sir. Me and my companion are just two unfortunate wanderers who have been beset by misfortune and are now searching for a bit of food and a place to stay for the night, and since this place of yours is the first we have seen in hours, we could not resist the temptation of paying the fair mistress of the house our respect.”

To say that he was laying it on a bit thick would have been an understatement, and Rincewind desperately hoped that she would put a stop to the humiliating show any moment now, like any proper dwarf would –

And then she blushed some more, and giggled again, and stepped aside. “Please, do come in.”

A hothead, Rincewind realized, one of those who came here looking for gold, found nothing and had to make a living somehow. An unusual dwarf, definitely.

“Madam” Howl declared, kissing her hand, “You are a treasure.”

And then they entered. Just like that.

* * *

If he hadn’t known any better, he would have thought that Howl must have put some sort of charm spell on himself. He certainly looked happy enough to simply listen to the dwarf – Strawberry, another proof of her eccentricity, although in this case, her parents were probably to blame – tell them all about her day, and that she had been feeling a bit lonely, and continued to make her compliments.

Rincewind, with a cold-bloodedness he only rarely found himself capable of, decided that once this was dealt with, he would be telling his wife all about this. He was ready to bet she wouldn’t like it much.

He stared at Howl’s suit and wondered how he hadn’t noticed that, while his own garments looked as dirty as always, Howl’s, despite his complaints, still appeared rather dashing. Or maybe that was just him.

The Gods knew Rincewind had never been able to pull _dashing_ off. Desperate, yes. Scared, of course. Panicked, most definitely. But not dashing. He’d always known that was impossible from the beginning.

And so he sat there and watched Rincewind charm Strawberry into sharing her meal with them. In his defence, there was plenty of food – she must be an excellent farmer, especially since she managed to survive in _Klatch_ ; and at least she could give them some information as to where they were, exactly.

“Oh, to get to Ankh-Morpork, the best way would be to go to the Circle Sea and there take a ship. It’s to the north.”

Of course. How could he have forgotten Ships. If there was something that had been missing from this tale, it had been a big thing that had the capability to capsize any moment, especially when Rincewind was on it.

“Well, then” Howl said, “That sounds absolutely wonderful”.

 _Oh yes, I bet_ , Rincewind thought. _And I also bet that he believes he can just march into Ankh-Morpork –_ Ankh-Morpork _and call out and his wife will be there. And no one can find someone easily in Ankh-Morpork. Except for the guilds when they are angry at you._

He didn’t say any of that.

* * *

“Alright, tell me” Rincewind finally began, even though he rather thought he was going to regret it. Strawberry had made them beds in her shed, and to Howl’s credit, his smile had only dropped for a second before he had been his most charming self again. “How did you do that?”

“Do what?” he asked, but Rincewind thought he sounded too innocent.

“Get her to take us in and give us food.”

“Oh, I told you, I know how to charm ladies.”

 _And that’s why you married one who sounds like she’s never been charmed in her life, by you or otherwise_ , Rincewind thought. “Yes, but in my experience –“

“Ah, Rincewind, the fair sex like to be complimented, especially when you are a lone traveller –“

“We’re not alone! There’s two of us!”

“As if she even noticed you.”

That was true, she had barely taken notice of him. But in Rincewind’s experience, that was a good thing. It meant no one was about to punch or maim or kill him. “But –“

“You have to be very polite, and friendly, and listen. Women love it when you listen.”

Come to think of it, Megan had liked it when he had listened to her complain about Howl, hadn’t she? But maybe she just liked complaining about Howl. Rincewind certainly could empathize.

“Give her the feeling that she’s the only woman in the world. That’s what’s important.”

“Does your wife think that when you talk to her?”

And then, to Rincewind’s surprise, he fell silent for a moment before beginning, “No. She’s… Sophie… Sophie was different from the beginning. And I don’t mean because – well – she came to me because a spell was placed on her. But that wasn’t what made her different. She saw through it all, you see. She saw who I was and am, and she still fell in love with me. That’s what makes her special. That’s what made me decide that I didn’t want to live without her ever again.”

That sounded almost… romantic. Rincewind, who had never given affairs of the heart much thought since they were Something That Happened To Other People, didn’t know what to say.

Then, finally he answered, “Don’t worry. When we get to Ankh-Morpork, I will do anything I can to assure we find her. And your fire demon.”

To his infinite surprise, he then realized he meant it.

[*]His idea of a joke.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]One of those Death occasionally takes with him from the Land of the Living in order to better understand those he looks after, although, since no one has ever managed to understand cats themselves, the purpose of this can be debated.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)


	13. In Which The Group Meets A Fanatic

**Discworld – Klatch**

Rincewind woke up from a better night’s sleep than he could have hoped for. It should have immediately made him suspicious, but it had become rather obvious to him that Howl usually got rather lucky when it came… things like this. Or things in general.

Strawberry had prepared breakfast for them – and she actually had good news, proving his point. “I forget that some of the D’reg should be coming through today – they should be able to take you with them to somewhere close to the port. Don’t worry” Howl had told her about their first encounter with some of them “They’re friends, and they owe me.”

“But we don’t have any money…” he began.

“Oh, they’ll offer you hospitality. Just remember to accept it.”

“Madam, you are magnificent” Howl told her before elegantly kissing her hand.

She blushed again. “Oh, hush. It’s the least I could do:”

That didn’t strike Rincewind as true, but then, they were going to get transportation to the port, and that was all he could have asked for. It would certainly take some time off their journey.

Even if it included a boat that could sink, and probably would, because he had entered it.

* * *

22-months-Abdul, the D’reg in charge, proved to be an affable if somewhat chatty man, even with his sword and all, but he was used to letting others prattling on and on while he nodded like he understood what was going on.

It was Howl who once again took the trouble to hold up the conversation, apparently determined to learn everything he needed to know about the Discworld. Why he couldn’t have just asked Rincewind, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to complain. Despite sleeping through the night, he was starting to feel drowsy; the motion of the carriage – one of the few the D’regs possessed – was soothing…

* * *

He wasn’t surprised when he glanced behind his back and saw Rincewind had fallen asleep. Their talk was probably not as interesting to him as it was to Howl.

Magic seemed to act differently in this world than it did in Ingary, or even Wales for that matter; and he needed to figure out how if he wanted to find Sophie and Calcifer.

Granted, she would probably already know by the time he reached her, but still.

There also seemed to be several different countries on this world. As far as Howl could tell, they weren’t at war with one another – always a risk – so he probably didn’t have to worry about that. It was something.

“So he’s a wizard?” 22-months-Abdul surprised him by saying, but then he remembered.

“Was it the hat?” he asked resignedly.

“Oh yes. But don’t worry, got nothing against them. Any friend of Strawberry’s is a friend of mine. We respect a tough dwarf. Good fighters. So you want to go to Ankh-Morpork?”

“Yes. My wife is there waiting for me.”

At least he hoped so. But there was every reason to think that Sophie and Calcifer would make their way there once they learned about a university full of magic – they must be thinking the same thing that he was, that with several dozens, maybe hundreds of wizards in one place, there must at least be one who had an idea how to get them home.

“Ah” he clucked his tongue. “Been married long?”

“Not that long.”

“Still the honeymoon phase, then?” he laughed.

Their honeymoon had consisted of Howl heroically sweeping in to save someone from a robber.

Sophie had called it pure luck, of course, and had insisted that he’d simply drunk too much so he had to go into the bushes and that was why he had seen everything just in time to help, but there was no reason to point that out.

Lettie would probably have agreed with the man, however. She seemed to think they mostly fought for fun.

“Can’t be easy, being separated after a short time of marriage.”

“Indeed it’s not but it couldn’t be helped.” He was still rather angry with himself. He should have grabbed Sophie the second the door flew open. If only…

“He one of the Unseen University fellows?” he asked, nodding towards where Rincewind was still oblivious to the world.

“Assistant librarian.”

“Doesn’t sound very wizardly, but then, how would I know?” he replied.

“I am actually a rather great wizard myself” he decided to say.

To his disappointment, 22-months-Abdul laughed. “Right. You don’t even have a hat!”

* * *

Rincewind was dreaming of something involving a lot of potatoes, in other words, he was having a rather pleasant dream - a rare enough occurrence - and so was rather put out when he was woken up by water being thrown into his face.

He sat up. “What –“

“Oh good you are awake” Howl said, looking at him, holding an empty cup in his hand.

“Was that necessary?”

“You weren’t waking up fast enough.”

Of course the first thing that came into his mind would be to rouse him this way, then. Rincewind sighed and got out of the carriage.

22-months-Abdul was looking at them, grinning. “Good morning.”

Rincewind didn’t point out that considering everything that had ever happened to him he had every right to feel exhausted. No one would have listened.

“Alright, there we are” he pointed and Rincewind turned to see the Circle Sea.

Wonderful. One step closer to drowning.

“We can’t thank you enough” Howl told him with a bow.

He laughed. “I can see why Strawberry liked you so much. Anyway, good luck with your endeavours!”

The others called out goodbyes as they walked away.

“So where do we go from here?” Howl asked him.

He sighed. “We need to sail over the sea, and then we can either walk or find a boat to take us up the river Ankh…”

“Good.”

Of course he continued to believe that things would be easy.

We still need to pay for the passage somehow” Rincewind said.

“Well, let’s see. First of all, what’s the form of payment here?”

No matter what he told him, Rincewind was already sure that he would be the one to work for it.

**Vinchen – The Alchemists’ Room**

Sophie studied the man standing in front of them. It was obvious that everyone else in the room was scared of him – well, apart from them; and this meant that he must be dangerous.

Although she had learned that sometimes, believing something could easily create enough respect to ensure one was left alone. Just look at Howl.

“And we decided we were done waiting” Granny said haughtily. “So, would you care to tell us what you fools have been up to?”

He smiled, but it was a cold, calculating smile – nothing like Howl’s when he was actually glad to see her, not even like those when he tried to manipulate those around him into thinking he was brave or able or clever. No, this was a dangerous smile. “What the emperor wants, of course.”

“And have you ever considered that what the emperor wants could be dangerous?” Granny asked, in the tone of voice one would use to explain to a child that fire was hot and would burn you when touched.

“It doesn’t _matter_ if it’s dangerous or not. What the emperor wants, he gets.”

“Oh you –“ Granny took a deep breath; and Sophie realized she didn’t believe him, not completely, at least not about the emperor. “You are trying to bring the Lords and Ladies back into this world!”

“Now who told you that, you old witch –“

Granny didn’t seem fazed, and really, why should she have been? Like Sophie, she was more than comfortable with being one.

“It doesn’t matter how we know” Sophie declared. “What is important is that you stop this now.” Granted, she didn’t quite know yet why it was important they be stopped, but Granny seemed to be certain, and she trusted Granny. Definitely more than she would trust anyone in this place.

“And how do you plan on stopping us?” he asked, still smiling. “I don’t see any weapons or soldiers you could use… and we have all the power on our side.”

“That has never kept me from setting things right” Granny answered simply, “And I am not going to retire now.”

“If you say so…”

Granny obviously wanted to say something, but the she looked into his eyes and was taken aback.

Sophie knew immediately that wasn’t a good sign.

* * *

Granny had met many people in her life, had watched them being born and dying and doing everything in between that human beings and other like-minded creatures got up to; she knew her headology, and in her youth, she had learned from the best.

“No matter what happens” Nanny Gripes had once told her, “Don’t be scared of the insane. They are just a bit loony, that’s all. Even if they happen to be Insane, which is the worst form. But always, always take care with the _fanatics_. They won’t take no for an answer. They are _dangerous_.”

And the man in front of her, she felt with absolute certainty, was a fanatic.

Because he simply didn’t care. He knew what he wanted, and that, she knew with startling clarity, was bringing the Lords and Ladies here and ruling Discworld with their help. It didn’t matter that the people were starving; he would happily rule over nothing but dry land when this was over and done with. And he believed the Lords and Ladies could help him achieve his goal. As if they were ever after anything more than taking things over themselves.

She couldn’t reason with him. That was impossible.

“Look” Twoflower began before they could stop him, “I think that you are rather misinformed about what you would call fair – “ he caught himself just in time. “What we call the Lords and Ladies” he finally finished, throwing Granny a glance.

So he was actually ready to learn. She stored the knowledge away for further use. If there was a future because if this man got his way, there would be precious little left of the world they knew.

“Oh no, I know perfectly well what they are capable of” he answered.

Yes. He _was_ a fanatic

“But” Sophie tried to argue, not realizing yet that it was futile – and really, how could she, she was still so very young, younger than Granny could ever remember being – “This means that if you let them in, they will – “

“Change everything!” The smile on his face could only be described as radiant. “Yes. And I have to admit, as someone born and raised in Vinchen… change sounds like a wonderful thing.”

“But… there are other ways to change your life” Sophie replied, “And the life of everyone around you. You just have to want it, and –“

It was the wrong thing to say. He began to laugh. “ _Change_? In _Vinchen_? For centuries, we have been controlled by this insane family – and no one has ever risen up against them! The people are too downtrodden, too spineless, to ever do anything – “

Granny herself had thought so, but she was changing her opinion. She thought of the young girl in the dungeon, who yes, had decided to stay in her cell, but mostly out of a desire not to starve and keep her mother safe and who had been rather pragmatic, all things considered; she thought about Vinchy and how he had defied them; there was something left in then people of Vinchen, something… call it roots, if you will. They hadn’t yet got to them completely.

“And so if they don’t do anything, I will” he said firmly.

“By letting them in?”

He shrugged. “It is worth the risk.”

“It’s not” Granny told him. She knew it wasn’t. She had her experiences.

“Too bad you don’t make the decisions around here.” He turned to the alchemists. “You don’t happen to have something that could possibly…”

But before he could finish the sentence, Granny caught Sophie’s eyes.

She nodded.

And then Sophie threw the bag wide open.


	14. In Which Calcifer Makes Quite An Entrance, And Howl And Rincewind Get A Job

**Discworld – Vinchen – The Palace**

Calcifer rose into the air. For a moment, everyone was stunned, staring at him.

Then all hell broke loose.

“A demon!” the alchemist they had talked to screeched. “A demon!”

This definitely confirmed that they weren’t wizards. Not even Howl had been scared of Calcifer when they first met.

The alchemist were scrambling for the door; the man however, appeared unfazed as he stepped in their way. “Calm yourselves, you idiots. It’s just a ball of fire –“

It was then that Calcifer grumpily announced, “I am _never_ going into that bag again.”

This was enough for the alchemists to stop even pretending that they were listening to the man, and they began hurrying towards the exits again.

“Hey!” Calcifer called out. “Wait a moment, we need answers!”

But they didn’t seem very inclined to give them any.

The man was studying him quietly. Sophie was impressed against her will. The last one who’d been so calm about meeting the fire demon had been herself, and she had been exhausted and old, then.

“How interesting” he finally observed. “Do you come from that other place too?”

Calcifer huffed. “I come from another place, yes. Not from the one you want to go to.”

“I don’t want to go there; I want to bring someone else here.”

“Good job you did, too” Sophie decided to tell him. “That’s why we’re here.”

“I should have known these amateurs wouldn’t get it right the first time” he said calmly. “You will have to be dealt with, of course…”

Granny was still looking at him, apparently searching for a way to make him see reason; or at least that was what Sophie believed, but it did confuse her that she had gone so silent. That wasn’t like her.

“All we want is to go back home” she lied. There was no way she was leaving before this had been dealt with. This man was dangerous, and what he was trying to do might even have repercussions for Ingary; as her own experience proved, no world was save from him.

“So you expect me to send you back? How?”

“Well” Granny decided to speak up, a look she threw Sophie clearly proving that she knew what she was thinking, “Your men opened the door, didn’t they? It should be rather easy to ask them how.”

“Oh yes, I suppose I could do that… but there are other ways to deal with it. Easier ones. We are rather busy here, you know.”

“Why am I not surprised” Granny muttered. “You could have used all that time to feed your people, you know that?”

“Oh Vinchen is rather independent. We just don’t want any outside influence.”

“Which is why you try to open a door to another world” Granny correctly pointed out.

He looked at her, then, and maybe because he was no longer giving her his undivided attention, but Sophie suddenly realized.

That man was not jus weird. She had often met rather strange people. Her husband could easily be called one of the weirdest persons she had ever seen.

But this man – he was mad, in a way. And Granny knew.

There was nothing quite as scary as true madness.

Her epiphany didn’t keep Twoflower from trying to reason with him, however; and what was more, she was ready to bet that he would still have tried even if he had known, probably claiming that being mad was just his version of being sane.

She traded a glance with Calcifer; the fire demon had clearly guessed as well, for he was looking at the man in the same way he once had at Miss Angorian – before she had managed to hex him.

“Look, my good sir” Twoflower was saying, “We do have a fire demon and two powerful witches on our side, and I am sure once I explain to my good friend Rincewind what has been happening here, he will be rather pit out, and you wouldn’t want to make the most powerful –“

“I think you do not understand. I will be the most powerful man around here once our plans work out.”

It was then that the guards arrived, looking rather scared – but not of them. No, they knew too; at some level, they knew.

“Hello again” Granny said brightly, “Now I do hope none of you is going to try and take my bag away again”.

They didn’t look like they would; in fact, they were starting at Calcifer. One of them turned white and had to lean against the wall.

“What” said Granny imperviously, “Have you never seen a fire demon before?” conveniently forgetting that she hadn’t before yesterday, either.

The man squeaked and slumped down on the wall.

“Apprehend them” he ordered.

“But sir…” one of the guards – if Sophie remembered correctly, the one who had tried doing his duty by taking Granny’s bag away began. “We are trained to apprehend people who are… well, normal, I don’t think I learned anything about a fire demon…”

He turned to him then, and stared. It was a cold stare, a stare that meant business, a stare that went right through you and back again, and most of all, it was a stare that told the guard quite clearly that, if he were not to do what he was told, he would regret it, and very soon.

He glanced between the First Adviser and Calcifer, then apparently decided that while he knew what was going to happen if he declined doing his duty, ghee had no idea what a fire demon would do to him so maybe he’d get lucky. He cleared his throat. “You are all under arrest.” Then he frowned. “Again. Or still. Anyway, you should still be in the dungeon –“

“So we will just get out again” Granny said with the outmost confidence. And really, Sophie thought that was reasonable. She had watched Twoflower carefully and could probably open a lock even if they got separated.

On the other hand, she really didn’t want to go back there.

She caught Granny’s eyes again.

They silently agreed that the best plan for now would be escape.

**Discworld – at the Circle Sea**

“It is a pretty sight, I will grant you that” Howl said. “Not as pretty as the nature of Ingary, but still…”

“Yes” Rincewind replied tiredly, “Nothing prettier than a body of water water full of things that can and would probably try to kill you if you came too close.”

“You’ll never be a proper heroic wizard with that attitude” he lectured him.

“I never said anything about wanting to be a hero” he pointed out.

“Too bad. You learn to recognize the signs, you see. This is a story. Like when Sophie came to my castle –“

But Rincewind tuned him out. If that was a story, he wouldn’t be the hero – because if that had been the case, he was reasonably sure that he should have got much luckier.

He studied the sea. At least they wouldn’t have to sail a long way; just across the Circle Sea and then up the Ankh… “We still need to pay for the voyage.”

“Oh” Howl said, his eyes twinkling, “I think I have an idea.”

He hadn’t been very impressed when Rincewind had told him about the money the different countries on the disc used. Probably because he was used to not paying for anything.

“We” he now declared, standing up straight, “Will have to work our way across the passage”.

Seeing as the passage was rather short, that wouldn’t have been much of a sacrifice, but that was in itself the problem – Rincewind couldn’t even see how anyone would need two sailors for a short trip. “So what? You just walk around until you find a boat and ask for a job?”

He regretted his question in the next moment. Because Howl’s devastating smile told him that this was exactly what he was going to do.

* * *

Unfortunately, as Rincewind could have told Howl if he had been willing to listen for once, seafaring captains were rather a different bunch from dwarf farmers.

“You want to become sailors for one passage only” he repeated what Howl had just said, looking at him decidedly unimpressed.

Rincewind could see why. While his still rather good-looking suit might have impressed Strawberry,m it would hardly do so with someone who needed strong men who could handle themselves on his ship.

“Oh yes. And in a rather important capacity, if I may state so myself.”

The captain’s expression indicated that he may not.

“You see, my friend, we happen to be wizards” and, to show that he had understood at least one custom of their world, he pointed at Rincewind’s hat, “And we can keep your ship safe from pirates, storms and anything else that might beset it while you cross over.”

“You? And him?” he turned to study Rincewind, who did his best to look like Twoflower would have described him. He doubted he succeeded. “You can keep my ship safe? _You_?”

“Oh yes” Howl said smoothly. “I once fought of a mighty witch and her fire demon, and Rincewind…” he stopped for a second and clearly tried to remember what he had told him, our rather complained about, as they made their way towards Ankh-Morpork. “He fell of the face of the earth but his magic saved him.”

Rincewind was impressed – not because Howl recalled the story but because it wasn’t technically a lie. He was clearly experienced in such matters.

“And why would I believe you?”

“The code of honour of our brethren forbids us from lying” he said with the air of a man who had never lied in his life and was not about to start now.

Even Rincewind, to his astonishment, found himself almost believing him. Almost.

The captain hummed, clearly unsure. “I have never heard about that –“

“You know how it is” Howl’s voice dropped, “if we told people, then we could never convince someone that we are lying, and there are situations where this clearly helps. Especially if you’re a wizard.”

He nodded, and Rincewind realized that Howl had apparently discovered something that he himself had taken a while to figure out – people liked being in on secrets. And they were ready to trust those they believed themselves in cahoots with.

Rincewind himself would have used that fact to his advantage more often, if not for the reason that people who learned a secret from him usually considered it would be best for all if Rincewind died so he couldn’t divulge it further.

To his astonishment, the captain then hired them.

Howl graciously declined being paid, explaining that they had to set over as quickly as possible because they had important wizard things to do.

Really, he would never have believed it. And they would have gotten paid too, if Howl hadn’t decided to act a bit too well.

He added another thing to his list of things to tell him when this was all over and he was reasonably sure he was safe.

Which probably meant he wouldn’t get to say them, not with his wife and a fire demon around. Pity.

* * *

“See? Told you it would work” Howl boasted as they set sail. He was standing at the helm, looking as swash-buckling as he possibly could.

He didn’t answer, instead studying the horizon. So far there was no sign of an approaching storm, but he knew his luck or lack thereof too well to count on it.

“Oh, cheer up. We are supposed to be powerful wizards.”

“Which is why I am actually making sure there’s no trouble.”

“Can’t you ever relax?” he asked, leaning against the railing. He really should not have looked so good.

No. When Rincewind relaxed, Bad Things happened. Yes, capitalized. Only that Howl would probably not understand if he told him that. Because Howl was the kind of person who got _lucky_.

Rincewind sighed, and while Howl stuck up a conversation with the sailors, he kept watching the weather.


	15. In Which A Man Jumps Into The Sea, And Another Is Put On Fire

**Discworld – Somewhere On The Circle Sea**

Two hours and still no storm.

Rincewind was starting to grow suspicious. All in all, the day had gone far better than it had any right to, considering he was involved; and not even Howl’s good luck could combat fate. He was rather sure about that.

While he was doing the work – well, standing at the helm and now and then mumbling something that sounded vaguely like a spell so people would think what he was doing was important – Howl had convinced a sailor to lend him his guitar and was strumming away.

To Rincewind’s dismay, it was another thing he was rather good at.

He did his best to ignore the melodies drifting over the ways and concentrated on other things. Strangely enough, he had to think of coffee again…

Suddenly, the boat rocked. Howl stopped playing abruptly and shouted “What’s going on?” while the sailors ran to check.

Rincewind almost breathed a sigh of relief. Almost.

It had been high time for something to go wrong.

* * *

“But how can we be stuck?” Rincewind asked quietly. “We’re in the middle of the Sea!”

They had sought a quiet corner to “deliberate” as Howl had put it to the captain who expected them to do some magic and get the ship moving again.

“I don’t know” Rincewind said, “It’s going to be something crazy and very dangerous, I am ready to bet.”

“So what are we going to do about it?”

“Steal a lifeboat and run?” he suggested but surprisingly, Howl pulled himself up even straighter and declared, “I did accept the responsibility of making sure this ship has a safe passage, and I intend to fulfil it.” Then, much more quietly, he added, “And if Sophie ever found out I ran away she’d have my hide.”

“I wouldn’t tell her” Rincewind promised.

“She’d find out. She always does. So what do we do?”

Rincewind sighed. It seemed that he would once again have to deal with things when this was the last thing he wanted to do.

* * *

“We can’t just dive and check!”

“Why not?” Howl wanted to know.

“Why… Because we don’t know what’s done there!”

“But we need to find out, so we should see what…”

“I can’t swim” Rincewind told him. It had the advantage of being true. As he had once told someone else, he would only make it so far as the bottom of the ocean.

Howl looked at him then, and Rincewind had to admit that it felt a little too smug at watching his dawning realization that he would have to be the one to swim down there. “You know” he said calmly, “I could of course tell your wife everything we got up to, especially how you charmed – ”

“Alright, alright, I will do it!” Howl flared at him. “And you better not dare.”

“Or what?”

Howl glared at him again then sighed dramatically. “I better take off the suit. Try not to feel too jealous.”

* * *

Rincewind had never felt jealous of other people’s physical attributes. He did keep himself fit with all the running he did, and that was about it.

Still – he had to admit that Howl did look good. Not that he let him know.

“Well then” he announced dramatically because of course he would, “My dear comrades, I know dive into the deep to find out what secrets are –“

“Yes, yes, hurry up, would you” Rincewind said tiredly. The sailors seemed spellbound, but he’d rather have known what new crisis they were dealing with before it came upon him unawares.

Howl looked put out but complied, and with a bow he jumped right into the sea.

“He really must be a wizard” one of the sailors said. “I had my doubts because he wasn’t wearing a hat, but…”

Rincewind stopped paying attention after that because he wanted to glory in the thought of telling Howl about it later. Instead, he walked up to the reeling and looked out for him.

Just a short time later, he emerged and looked at Rincewind with a puzzled expression on his face.

He already knew he wouldn’t like the next words to come out of his mouth, and he was right.

“Say… what could we possibly do against a bodyless tentacle that’s holding the ship in place?”

* * *

They had convened into a corner again, Howl declaring that this was something only wizards could possibly understand, and the captain as apparently still sufficiently impressed with his lie that they could only tell the truth to agree.

“This is your world. Certainly you have heard of something like this?”

“I have heard of many things, but not this specifically” Rincewind replied. “no doubt it’s going to be unpleasant and dangerous.”

“It doesn’t have to be” Howl said optimistically. “I did make a deal with a fire demon and everything turned out alright.”

Rincewind was ready to bet there was a lot of _not_ being alright to the story before things had gone well,[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) but there was no point in telling him so. “So what are we going to do?”

“I do know a detection spell” Howl mused, “But magic in this world, as we have learned, works differently from mine. So…” his face lit up. “Wait a minute!” He studied Rincewind. “You are a wizard.”

“How did you ever guess”.

“The hat. Now, since you are one, it means you can do magic here.”

 _A little. Now and then. Mostly when I get lucky, and that means almost never._ But Rincewind didn’t say it. “So?”

“I can teach you the spell, and you can perform it?”

“And you think that would work?” he asked sceptically. He could think of at least ten objections to that plan, the first being that it sounded absolutely –

“I didn’t like the place I was living in, so I opened a door to a different one” Howl said simply “and became the most powerful wizard there. Of course it can work.”

At least if it went wrong, Rincewind thought, it might just give Howl’s self-esteem a blow. Although he doubted it.

**Discworld – Vinchen**

Granny and Sophie looked at one another. Then Sophie took a deep breath and shouted, “Calcifer, now!”

The fire demon clearly didn’t know what to do since they had not made any plans in this regard, but he still flew at the soldiers as fast as he could.

They fled.

“Come back, you idiots!” the First Adviser shouted, his eyes blazing, “It’s just a big ball of –“

And then Calcifer set his clothes on fire.

A little weakened he may have been by their jump through worlds, but he was still a demon.

Sophie and Granny used the time their adversary was jumping around trying to put out the flames and drag Twoflower out of the room. Calcifer joined them, and then they were running down a corridor.

“Anyone know where the exit is?” she asked.

“No” Granny panted, “But we should come across it eventually.” 

“That’s not a big help…” Calcifer dared say but was silenced by a glare.

Sophie decided to shorten their search and stopped running to bang on the nearest door. “Come on! I don’t care where you normally need to, we need to get outside!”

“Sophie, our magic doesn’t work here –“

“I DON’T CARE! I WILL NOT STAY IN THIS PALACE WITH A MADMAN WHO’S ON FIRE! YOU BETTER OPEN TO THE –“

She wretched the door open and all but fell through it onto the pavement in front of the palace. The others quickly followed.

Sophie was breathing heavily, and it wasn’t just the running she had done – she did that on a regular basis since she had married Howl; no – she realized that it must have been using her magic in this other world.

“Are you alright?” Twoflower asked.

She nodded even though her knees were shaking as she got up. Mostly because she had no other choice; she couldn’t _not_ be okay.

“You’ll be fine” Granny said firmly, sounding impressed. “That was quite something. Definitely better than any of those wizards or alchemists back there.” She allowed herself a smile. “We need to move.”

* * *

A few streets down – they hadn’t really paid attention to where they were going, not even Twoflower – they happened across Vinchessa’s. Sophie’s first hurried words were to the effect that her daughter was still alive, which made her happy enough to take obvious fugitives in and not care one bit that one was not even remotely human.

* * *

“And she was fine?”

“Yes, she was fine. Said at least she gets enough to eat.”

She smiled proudly at that. “That’s my girl.”

“Did they really arrest her because she laughed at the emperor not being there?” Calcifer asked.

Vinchessa appeared rather unimpressed with the glowing flame in front of her, even considering their situation. “Yes. You see, some messengers declared there would be a parade. It would have been the first time in a long time – years, in fact – since anyone outside the palace saw him, so naturally, everyone came. We were all curious”.

Another sign that things were not as hopeless as they first believed. Sophie firmly believed that, where there was curiosity, there were ways out of dilemmas.

So there we all stood, and out came the guards – you know, a normal parade – but then it became obvious that the emperor wasn’t there, wasn’t even watching from the balcony. And Vinnie… Vinnie called out “Where is the emperor?” It turned out that the one who had declared the parade had misunderstood the First Adviser – it had been about the emperor’s military parading, not about the emperor’s parade. He was executed, of course. As she was dragged away, she was still laughing and shouting that the emperor was not there. Like I said, that’s my girl.”

It seemed to Sophie rather idiotic to arrest someone for that, but if she had asked Fanny, she would probably have told her that everyone in Vinchen was an idiot. “And you are…”

“I hope and pray that she’ll return – and I know every corner, every window of that palace. From the outside, of course” she said.

Looking every day for a way to free her daughter, Sophie realized. Granny had been right[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) The people of Vinchen had been trodden down by despots for years, and yet there was something in their blood, in their very bones, that kept them from completely giving up.

Sophie approved. 

“And we escaped” she said.

“Yes. If you can do this…” she didn’t finish her sentence.

Suddenly, Granny laid a hand on her arm. “Don’t worry. We’ll get your daughter out of there. Her and everyone else who is imprisoned in those dungeons.”

She nodded; it was not just an acceptance of the statement; it was an acknowledgement that finally someone, anyone cared. “Thank you.”

“Alright, then. Now, there is something we have to know” Granny decided “We should –“

“First of all” Vinchessa interrupted her, “Let’s eat. I still have a few leftovers from yesterday.”

Even Calcifer looked hopeful. “Do you happen to have some wooden logs?”

* * *

“Alright” Granny decided once they had shared the frugal meal and the fire demon had happily burned through a small scrape of word, “There is a man in the palace… The First Adviser, Vinnie called him. He seems to be in charge, but he is not the emperor, at least I think so, since no one has seen him in so long…”

“That would be Mauvais Vinchiers.”

“Do you know he’s a fanatic?”

She frowned. “I know the emperor is insane, but…”

“No. He’s mad with power” Granny clarified. “I don’t know about the emperor, but if he’s around, Vinchiers is just using him. He’s worse than insane. He’s _dangerous_.”

Vinchessa accepted that statement as a matter of fact as well. “I had my suspicions” was all she said.

And then – since, as Calcifer put it, “They had nothing better to do” – they put their heads together and began making plans.

[*]As there had been indeed. Rincewind didn’t know much, but he was an expert in unpleasant circumstances.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]A statement Granny Weatherwax would most heartily have agreed with. Every single time.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)


	16. In Which Plans Are Hatched, And Some Are Followed Through

**Vinchen**

“At least we know I can use my magic” Sophie said. “Even if it is exhausting.”

“And what if you _do_ exhaust yourself?” the fire demon asked. “We can’t just storm the palace and expect everything to go well.”

“First of all” Granny said, “We have a fire demon on our side. People are scared of you, aren’t they?”

“Most are” he answered innocently but with a touch of pride in his voice. “It’s easier to be scared of something like me than of other people; they don’t have to wonder if they might be like me after all, you see.”

Granny nodded. “Alright, so once we get in again…”

Uncharacteristically, it was Twoflower who interrupted her. “Sorry, but we have not yet come up with a plan how to do that.”

When they all stared at him – with the exception of Vinchessa, who wasn’t used to him yet – he clarified, “It is very important to assess the risks that are at –“

“Ah” Granny said, “In-ssurance.“

And that was that.

“What I was about to say” she continued “was that we have to get to the wizards’ rooms first and destroy whatever they are working on. We need to keep the Lords and Ladies from entering the world.”

Thankfully, she had realized that Sophie trusted her judgement enough to agree with her there. She could very well remember what had happened the last time… all the other Granny Weatherwaxes in her head, yelling at her, tearing her apart… she involuntarily shuddered. 

“Then, once we have dealt with that, it’s high time some order return to this place” she said.

“I agree. This man cannot be in charge” Sophie replied.

“He certainly seemed rather unpleasant” Twoflower said; Granny would have had an answer to that only that she by now realized it was one of the most damning things he could have said.

“He is a fanatic” she said firmly. “There is no talking to someone like that; there is no discussing things; and there is no getting him to abandon his evil ways.”

“But then…” the fire demon said slowly. “You are talking about…”

She shrugged. “We will have to wait and see.”

“And you’ll get my girl out of prison?” Vinchessa asked hopefully.

“We will do our best” Sophie promised her. “To save her and everyone else.”

Granny really liked this girl.

“Do you think you could get us in?” she asked. “Not immediately, but after a good night’s rest?”

“I have to, don’t I?” she asked simply.

Granny nodded.

“Then I can. Especially if…” she turned to the demon.

“Never have a chance when it comes to you, have I” he sighed. “Yes, I’ll help.”

“And so will I!” Twoflower cheerfully announced.

Sophie turned to him. “Twoflower…”

“Oh, you want to know how to find your way around that palace, don’t you? And I brought you there in the first place!”

Even Granny had to admit he was right. Still… “Wouldn’t it be in-ssuring if you stayed behind to keep an eye on things?” she asked.

However, she was to learn that not even headology could help with someone who was determined to be cheerful and helpful no matter what. “No. You see, I am afraid you still haven’t quite grasped…”

“Alright” she sighed. She didn’t know how much time they had; granted, so far, the Lords and Ladies hadn’t started playing with her mind yet again, but that might just be because they didn’t want her to know how far they had already come. It hadn’t worked the last time after all, and they were not stupid enough to repeat a mistake. Just like Granny herself.

“Once we are there, we need to free those wizards first” she said firmly. “Not that I want to leave people in the dungeon longer than necessary, but they need to be stopped. And they clearly don’t want to be there.”

“But what keeps them from running, then – or doing something that would ensure they could?” Calcifer asked.

Granny wasn’t surprised. There were things other creatures just didn’t understand about humans.

“They are scared, Calcifer” Sophie replied in her stead.

Granny nodded. “Fear. It paralyzes people. Makes them stand still when they should be running. That’s why it’s so dangerous.”

And they could not forget about the First Adviser. They couldn’t allow themselves to forget that. Mad enough to let the Lords and Ladies in.

The gods only knew what he had done to those who had stood up against him. If anyone had dared try.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“And then we go to the dungeons?” Twoflower asked. “I know from experience that after a while it can get rather unpleasant in one.”

“Yes” Granny vowed once more , turning to Vinchessa. “We’ll get your daughter and everyone else out. Now, we’ll need you to stand guard outside and make sure whoever leaves the palace gets to safety.”

“Comparatively speaking” the fire demon said.

Vinchessa nodded. “Gladly. And then…” she hesitated, a nasty expression crossing her face, as if she was contemplating something awful. “You will – are you going to – the emperor –“ She apparently couldn’t bring herself to end the sentence.

“Oh yes” Granny said. “If it is him behind all of this, although I doubt it. Might have to deal with the First Adviser first and foremost”.

“Whoever has the power orders too many people thrown into the dungeon” Sophie added.

“I see” Vinchessa bit her lip then, forcing the words out as if it pained her to say them, “His family has been reigning for a long time, if he’s still around… but… I think… it might be best if… that happened.”

Granny supposed that was the best endorsement they could get, although if asked, she would have found herself troubled how to spell “endorsement” and then dismissed such idle nonsense.

“Good, then” she announced. “Best if we try at night when most servants are in their beds.”

It would give them a day to rest and recuperate, at least.

**On The Circle Sea**

“And this is supposed to tell us what this thing is?” Rincewind asked sceptically. A few words and hand gestures, and that was it? He had carried around a spell in his head for years and it had been enough to get all other spells to flee; and of course, once one used a spell, it should be gone out of one’s head for good…

“Trust me” Howl said with another one of his confident smiles, “Nothing can go wrong.”

“Nothing?”

“Well, maybe one or two things” he conceded. “but really, the chances are minimal.”

Minimal usually meant astronomical when something awful happening to Rincewind was involved, but there was no use to pleading with Howl. Then again – when had pleading be of any use to him, period?

And so Rincewind resigned himself to the fact that he could very well be burned alive by a spell while Howl explained once more to him how it was supposed to go. “Now, once you’ve said the words and accompanied them with the appropriate gestures, the spell will dive down, take a look so to speak at the tentacle, and then return to you. It should let us know – well, let _you_ know.”

“So you are saying it’s just going to up and bury itself in my head!?” It was the last thing Rincewind wanted to feel again.

“No, it’s just going to let you know.” Howl frowned. “Magic really works differently here, doesn’t it.”

“I am so glad you noticed” Rincewind said plaintively, “I am sure it will be a solace to me when I run around, my head full of awful knowledge and a powerful spell, and –“

“Stop complaining I told you everything is going to be fine.”

Rincewind knew very well he had no choice. Howl was determined to get away from here and back to his wife as soon as possible, and if they didn't do something soon, the sailors would become impatient too; and if there was one thing he wanted to do less than to perform a spell that would do no idea what to him, it was learning how to swim because they had thrown him overboard.

And so he stepped up to the railing and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He didn't want to see.

And then something – well, he hated to describe it that way, but something magical happened.

Rincewind had never truly felt magic seep from his fingers, away from him, out of him, to do _anything_ ; and forgetting his fears for once, he opened his eyes to watch the light blue waves cascading down into the bigger ones in the sea, staring but not believing that he could actually do something like this.

Howl punched in the air. "I knew it!"

But Rincewind didn't pay him any attention. How could he, when he finally, finally knew what it meant to be...

He had been many things. He'd been a man and a demon and a wizard. But he had never truly _felt_ like a wizard before.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

So this is what magic felt like – real magic, not the one the spell had made him do now and then when it had still been lodged in his head; and just for a second, he could fleetingly understand why Howl would abandon his sensible world for one where this was possible –

And then the spell returned and let him know hat was going on and made him return to a much more natural state of mind – in Rincewind’s case, complete and utter panic and the wish to run.

* * *

“So it’s not from this world or Ingary, but someplace else entirely?”

Rincewind nodded miserably. “I got a glimpse of several of these creatures. At least the tentacle is not alive. Seems like… whatever door opened cut it off and brought it here.”

That was enough to make Howl visibly relax, although Rincewind couldn’t see why. “Well then. We’ll just have to cut it into little pieces.”

“I still can’t swim” he reminded him.

“Oh, don’t worry.” He grinned. “I knew there was a reason I was befriending the sailors.”

* * *

And so, half an hour later, Rincewind watched the sailors and Howl dive down and come back up in regular intervals while they were busy cutting the tentacle into small enough pieces that ships could pass over it without getting stuck.

“Can’t swim, ay?” the captain said, stepping up to him. “Well, it happens to the best.”

Normally, Rincewind would have expected a joke at his expense, but something entirely new for him had crept into the captain’s voice. _Respect_.

“That was a mighty spell you performed. I have to admit I had my doubts about you, but you proved me wrong.”

Rincewind was struck speechless. Thankfully, the captain interpreted this as him being humble.

* * *

He should have known Howl would come up with another plan while he was diving. So when he skipped up to him, carrying a piece of the tentacle, he was more resigned than surprised.

“What are you planning on doing with this?” he asked.

“We need an anchor for the spell I have in mind.” Howl smiled happily. “I have come up with a plan. You tell me the door was in Ankh-Morpork, but now that we know there are other entrances, Sophie and Calcifer might have come out in another one, or not in this world altogether… so we need to find the source. And seeing as this worked once…”

Rincewind already knew what he was going to say.

[*]Not that Granny thought much of the gods. Never had had much respect for those who sat in their home and ignored the folks asking for help, Granny had.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Being a demon is, of course very different from being a wizard. For one, one is supposed to tempt mortals, get them to commit sins, and have them consigned to whatever hell or hades they believe in. On the other hand, demons are known to know how to party, which can easily be claimed for wizards as well. Considering all these facts, Rincewind himself would have been the first to admit that he had never been a very successful demon, either.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've always wanted to write Rincewind actually doing magic, not going to lie :)


	17. In Which People Want To Know Where To Go, And There Are Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half-way, guys! Enjoy!

**Discworld – On Dry Land – Once More**

Howl had decided that it would be best to wait to do the spell until they were once more on solid earth, since “one never knows.” Rincewind, for his part, already knew that it would be useless to ask what _exactly_ they didn’t know.

And even he had to admit that Howl’s idea wasn’t bad. They certainly could need more information. But why it always had to be him to perform spells that might send him halfway across a dozen universes, he had no –

Who was he kidding. Of course he had an idea.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

They were waving a very impressed crew of the ship goodbye – and Rincewind was starting to get a bad feeling with all of this. The last time someone had believed him to be great wizard, it had led to him being sent halfway across the Disc – then again, with what he had recently been through, that didn’t seem too bad anymore.

And at least the captain would probably not write a tourist guide like Twoflower had done.

Watching Howl unpack the parts of the tentacle he’d brought back up with him, Rincewind unexpectedly felt nostalgic for the days when he’d had to follow Twoflower around. At least when he had told him something, he’d believed him without asking questions or demanding he do something dangerous. Granted, instead _he_ had done something dangerous and then Rincewind had had to save them both or the Patrician would have come after him, but still…

“Alright, this spell is of a somewhat different nature. I used it to go to Ingary in the first place – to find a door that’d bring me there. You see, I’d found an old book that had come from there… sometimes things slip through the cracks – and it helped to have something that led to a door. If we use this, and you perform the spell… using the tentacle and this piece of my clothing”[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) “and of course you’re there and have been hoping through the portals, so we could triangulate…”

“Then why didn’t we try that from the beginning?”

“Because for one, you wouldn’t have believed yourself to be capable of it – you needed something smaller to start out with – and two, I thought it only worked for Ingary. But given what we know now…” His eyes widened. “I might only have got to Ingary through sheer luck!” He sounded like this had never occurred to him before.

Rincewind didn’t deign it worthy of an answer. Mostly because he had just realized that Howl simply had not thought of doing this before because he _hadn’t_.

And he’d promised to help him; Rincewind might never have been married nor shown much interest in the fair sex (although he couldn’t say why he suddenly thought of coffee _again_ ) but still…

Sometimes, he decided, he really didn’t like his conscience. Mostly because it usually kept well enough hidden that he could happily expand on his theory of cowardice, only for it to rear its ugly head now and then unexpectedly.

He sighed. “So what do I have to do?”

* * *

An hour later, he was staring at a map of the Disc he had drawn on the ground using a stick. It wasn’t completely accurate, of course – not even Rincewind had seen everything of his world – but Howl deemed it “satisfactory enough” whatever that meant.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

“Alright, with the spell we should be able to locate the location of those doors – unless it’s not in this world; in that case, we’d look for another door, then.”

He was too weary to dispute his logic anyway. “Show me, then.”

Howl seemed surprised but pleased at his acquiescence.

* * *

The spell seemed easy enough. Or at least, it once again seemed disgustingly easy to Rincewind, who wondered what the other wizards would have said if they had known.

“Now you need to hold the stick; it should point to where all of this started in the first place…”

“Or not point on the map at all if it’s in another world?”

“Exactly” said Howl. “So, are you going to…”

Rincewind thought about asking whether Howl would have done the same if he had been in his shoes, but decided against it.

Sometimes there was nothing one could do.

And so, he started chanting once more. Just like the last time, he felt the power flow from his fingertips and into the stick; only this time, he was lucid enough to admit that there was something dangerously seductive about it, something that could have easily drawn him in if he hadn’t been too careful – and too much of a coward.

But thankfully he was, and so he watched as the stick began to move. If he had been a praying man, he would have prayed then – the only trouble was that he wouldn’t have been able to say what for. If the stick landed outside of the map, he would be forced to jump through another door by this madman on his quest; and if it pointed to a certain place, Howl would drag him there too, especially now when they had proven that while he couldn’t use his magic, Rincewind could…

The stick moved. Both of them watched, not saying a word. It went east, it went south, a little further south –

And then it sank. Rincewind did his best to keep his hand steady so he wouldn’t be the one to blame; for a second it seemed it would point beyond the disc after all; and then it –

Touched a piece of the map.

And it wasn’t even that far away from where they happened to be.

“Alright” Howl decided to Rincewind’s relief, “Late enough, I’d say. Let’s get some sleep and start out tomorrow morning”.

**Discworld – Vinchen**

Since they had decided to try and get into the palace at night and it had just been dawning when they had come to Vinchessa’s, they had an entire day to rest in front of them.

And that was when the dreams started.

Granny had expected something like this, of course; but maybe, she thought when she found herself in that space where nothing ever made sense and yet made too much sense at the same time, she should have warned the others.

_You again._

She didn’t answer. What would have been the point?

_We thought we taught you a lesson the last time around._

Oh yes, they had. They had taught her that no matter what, the Lords and Ladies were not powerful enough for a few determined witches.

_You are just one woman. One woman with many lives._

And there they were. All the other Granny Weatherwaxes, poking into her mind, threatening to overwhelm her…

No. Not this time. She had been through this once, she _wouldn’t_ allow it to happen again.

After that, Granny slept peacefully.

* * *

Sophie wasn’t quite sure what was happening. She was asleep, she was certain of that. But then – what had happened? Why was she in this place, what was this place even –

_You cannot beat us, child._

The voices… She stood up straight. She had fought off the Witch of the Waste and her fire demon, she wasn’t about to let herself vibe talked down by someone she couldn’t even see.

_When you see us, everything will be over for you. You will never see your husband again, nor the children you would have._

Children? She and Howl had spoken about it, but as of yet –

And then it happened.

Suddenly, she wasn’t alone in her own head anymore. All other kinds of Sophie Hatters were there, those who had not been cursed at all, those who had but had never left Fanny’s house, those who had met Howl only once, those who had left him after he lifted the curse, and and and –

She took a deep breath. “You cannot do this! I know who I am! I am Sophie Hatter, and I am married to the wizard Howl – who is a snivelling, annoying, conceited coward by the way, so leave me alone with those memories of him whisking me off my feet and flying over the rooftops with me –“

_It’s another life. We know of all of them._

“It doesn’t matter because I have this one, and it’s quite good enough for me, thank you very much!”

She wasn’t about to let any fai – Lords and Ladies dictate her which life she should have or how many of them she had been through.

_You are making a mistake. We can help you return to your world._

The offer might have tempted her if Granny hadn’t already told her the truth – and she had, she was sure of it. She had had no reason to lie to her. None

“Thanks but I am working on it. And Howl will be looking for me.”

_The coward you just screamed about? Doesn’t seem like he would be much of a threat, does he?”_

“You’d be surprised.” After all, he had charged at the witch of the Waste to save her; he must be frantic right now –

_Just consider it. We can do many things, we are very powerful –_

“Doesn’t matter. The answer is still no” she declared.

 _You’ll regret this, child._ And weirdly enough, the actually sounded as if the were sorry.

At least her dreams returned to normal after that.

* * *

Granny woke up, then left her bed feeling a little stiffer than she would have liked to admit. She wasn’t getting any younger, and all Vinchessa had been able to offer them had been the saw sacks of straw on the floor. Well, there was nothing to do about it, so she didn’t complain.

When she shook Sophie’s shoulder and her eyes opened, it became clear that Granny hadn’t been the only one the Lords and Ladies had contacted. “What did they want?” was her first question.

“They told me they could get me back home” Solphie answered and Granny breathed a sigh of relief. She was telling the truth, and they hadn’t been able to tempt her.

Neither Twoflower nor Calcifer said anything about strange dreams; she assumed that they simply hadn’t been able to do anything with the fire demon, and that Twoflower hadn’t tempted them because he didn’t have powers.

“The sun is setting” Twoflower reported in the late afternoon, smiling very pleasantly, as he had done since he’d got up, “I assume that means we’ll be on our way soon?”

She nodded. “You’ll have to hide again” she told Calcifer. “It’s obvious enough in the light of day, but if anyone was to see you at night…”

He sighed. “I expected something like this.”

“I’ll ask Vinchessa” Twoflower offered. “There has to be something we can use to wrap him in –“ And he sauntered out of the room, unaware of Caclifer’s frown at the words “wrap him in”.

* * *

Wrapped up he was, though. That evening, they set out, Sophie keeping the package with the fire demon close to her chest.

“Won’t that burn you?” Twoflower asked.

“He only burns people when he wants to, right?” she asked the package.

And indignant mumble was all the response they got.

“Alright” Granny decided “Time to go.”

Vinchessa accompanied them a few streets down. “May the Gods be with you” she mumbled when she finally left them.

Granny patted her shoulder. “Don’t worry about a thing, we’ll fix this.” She still wasn’t quite sure how, but they could always come up with a plan.

* * *

When they arrived at the palace, Sophie looked around, then carefully unwrapped the fire demon. “Calcifer, do you think you could help me with opening a door into the castle?”

“Perhaps” he said, sounding sceptical. “I mean, you did it on your own just yesterday, and if I channel my magic into yours –“

“That’s good enough for me” she said firmly. “Let’s do it.”

[*]This happened to be true but let it be stated quite clearly that it was the wrong one. At this exact moment in time – if such can even be said, considering the different planes and time zones gods like to create when they are bored – Fate happened to be glowering at the lady over their board game. “Why did you have to bring in things from other worlds?!” “Technically” Said Blind Io, “It’s not forbidden.” The Lady said nothing, but her green eyes without pupils were still laughing.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Later, Rincewind would realize what it meant that he simply tore his own clothes apart. He really did love his wife dearly.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*](If Rincewind had known, it would have brought him little comfort, since Howl, with that optimism that his sister usually called idiocy, was certain that it was good enough because it had to be.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	18. In Which Some Problems Arise For Several People

**Discworld – Vinchen**

Everything was quiet, but they had expected that. No one seemed to have enough wood to stay up late.

Granny was at the head of their little group, Sophie coming up close behind her, carrying Calcifer; Twoflower made up the rear.

“I really hope they haven’t executed Vinchessa’s daughter yet” he said.

“They better not with everything else that’s going on” Granny said grimly. “They have no right to do what they are doing –”

“They don’t really have a choice, do they?”

“There’s always a choice. They are just too scared to make one” she said firmly. “No matter what they threatened me with, I wouldn’t try and bring the Lords and Ladies into this world.”

“They are alchemists though, not wizards” Sophie said. “Perhaps they don’t know what it means.”

“Even worse. That’s what you get from all this so-called _education_. No one ever learns the important things anymore” she said decisively.

Calcifer apparently tried to speak, but his words came out muffled.

To Sophie’s surprise, Granny replied “I agree” before they went on their way, falling quiet once more.

* * *

When they reached the palace – Granny having memorized most of the way, although she did now and then check with Twoflower that they were on the right path – they searched for the darkest corner they could find before Sophie unwrapped Calcifer. “Are you ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be” he huffed “As long as you don’t do that to me again –“

“Calm down, it was just –“

“Being carried here and there, no one bothering to check if I like it, well, how would you, if I just put you in a sack and –“

“Calcifer!”

He sighed. “Yes, I am ready.”

“Good. Let’s do this.” Sophie looked at Granny and Twoflower, then turned to the wall. “Now” she said firmly, “It’s absolutely ridiculous that you insist on being a wall. You’re clearly a door. A door that leads right to the room the alchemists were working in. You do realize that, don’t you? Stop masquerading as a wall –“

She could feel Calcifer hovering behind her, doing his best to assist her, and indeed, the wall was slowly changing – a little too slowly for her taste. Normally things did what she told them to. “I am not repeating myself, you better realize that you are indeed a wall, or –“

Finally it was done and they were looking at a door; rather fortunate timing since, if pressed, Sophie would have been forced to admit that she had no idea what she would have threatened the wall with.

“That’s it, then” she said, at least not feeling quite as tired as she had when she had done this before. Calcifer’s help had been a godsent. “How are you doing?”

“Alright ” Calcifer answered, “It was strenuous, though.”

“Well, at least we have found our way in” Granny decided. “That is something. Open the door.”

Sophie reached out and did just that.

And then they were in.

* * *

Everything was dark and quiet, but then, the guards and servants were probably glad that no one was awake to order executions. Calcifer gave them enough light.

“This way” Granny said firmly. “We need to stop them from opening another door, and fast.”

Sophie looked at her and knew that she, too, had had dreams.

Twoflower was silent. She would have taken that as a blessing, only that she was rather worried they shouldn’t have taken him with them after all – maybe he was too scared.

And so, the made their way to the alchemists’ room. “Never saw the point of all of this” Granny said as she looked over the instruments. “What you mostly need for magic is your own head and enough knowledge about what not to do. That’s what matters.”

Sophie couldn’t help but think that if it was so, Howl would not really fit Granny’s criteria for a good magician either. “What do we do? Destroy them?”

Granny hummed. “Trouble is, we don’t know what they have been doing. Could be all sorts of things in there…” she pointed at a vial full of a green liquid. “This could be poison…”

“Calcifer, could you do something?”

“I can try.”

“We don’t need to try, we need to fix this, and now” Granny said firmly.

Twoflower had made his way to a large clock at the wall; strangely enough, it had no clock hands and instead simply ticked without telling anyone the time. “I saw something like this once.”

“Different worlds” Granny said. “Different times. Probably makes sense to them to have something like this”.

It sort of looked like the kind of thing Howl would have kept as a souvenir, but Sophie thought it prudent not to mention that fact.

“Could it be that the clock works as a door? Or at least opened some of them?”

“Could be” Granny said, “But I’d rather not know. Best not to poke too much at the spaces between worlds”.

Yes, Sophie thought, she would definitely have disapproved of Howl, but then, there was a lot to disapprove when it came to her husband. She herself did so on a regular basis.

“What are we going to do, then?” she asked.

Granny looked around, then narrowed her eyes. “Could you open another door? First of all we need to get as many things as possible out of here. They can’t use it if they don’t have the right stuff anymore.”

It seemed like their best option. But as Sophie moved to cautiously pick up one of the many instruments, Twoflower said sweetly, “Wait a minute.”

She frowned. That wasn’t his usual dialect. Granted, he usually sounded sweet, but still, this was different…

And then she realized.

The voice from her dreams. They all turned to look at him.

There was something about his eyes…

“ _You_ ” was all Granny said, as she studied him – no, _not_ him – with disgust.

“Indeed”. Twoflower – no, the _Queen of the Lords and Ladies_ smiled. “Dreamers. They have always been our door to other worlds.”

**Discworld – On The Way To Vinchen – That Afternoon**

After a few hours of sleep, and still under the cover of darkness, since Howl had claimed it was more “daring”, at least they were on their way towards Ankh-Morpork – even if they would have to make a detour; and the Unseen University was Rincewind’s home after all, if he’d ever had anything he could call that name.

Undoubtedly there would be more problems coming their way, or his way, but then he would have been worried if they wouldn’t.

He sighed. Howl was steadfastly moving towards the spot he had indicated, and didn’t seem to feel thirst or hunger now that he knew where his wife and fire demon were.

“How much longer?” he now called back.

Rincewind sighed. “While the map I drew was accurate, I don’t think I got the dimensions quite right – could be a few hours, could be a few days.” There was something else too, something at the back of his mind, about the place the stick had fallen – but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“Well, at least we know where we are going” Howl said brightly. “And you say there are no natural predators around here?”

“No” he said simply.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

“Good. So all we have to worry about is food and shelter.”

Considering Rincewind spent most of his life doing just that, it was the most sensible thing he’d heard Howl declare so far.

“But not now. Now we have to move!”

Of course they did.

* * *

A few hours of determined march through the woods slowly jogged Rincewind’s memory. Yes, there as something about this place… there wasn’t _nothing_ there, at least.

And that meant trouble. But well, nothing could have meant trouble too. _Something_ just made trouble a little more probable.

“Once we get there we need to rush in and save Sophie – either she needs help or she has invaded some poor sod’s home and is busy cleaning it. I have my experiences. And then we will have to find a way – that is a really big wall.”

Rincewind, who had only half-listened, suddenly remembered.

And what he remembered, he didn’t like one bit. Not that he had expected to.

“Oh” he said quietly. 

* * *

“But what do you mean, no one can get in?”

“Exactly what I said. No one can get in. The people if Vinchen don’t want them to.”

Howl shook his head. “You don’t know Sophie. This convinces me more than anything else that she’s in there.”

“But –“

“We need to get through the door.”

“Which door?”

“There is always a door. And if there isn’t, I make one” Howl said firmly and set off to circumvent the Wall. Rincewind sighed and followed. Naturally there had to be a door. He didn’t doubt it. But he had rather hoped that his description of a giant wall around a whole kingdom would have deterred Howl a little bit more than it appeared to have done.

Of course it hadn’t.

“The sun is going to go down soon” he reminded him.

“An even better idea than to get into a place where there are houses and fires, don’t you think?”

“But we don’t know what’s going on behind that Wall! Nobody knows! They have been isolated for centuries –“

“How do they get by, then, without trade?”

“They have their ways” Rincewind said, “at least that’s what I heard.” He himself didn’t think much of the half-truths and rumours a drunken thief[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) had told him one night, but what else could he tell Howl? He would just keep asking. Best let him know everything and see what he did.

“There” Howl announced, sounding smug. “I knew there had to be a door.”

The crudest course of action Rincewind could think of at that moment was too simply walk up to it and knock. So he resigned himself to Howl doing just that.

* * *

Vinch Wallis knew he was lucky. Somehow, he had managed to conceal the fact that the strangers had come in on his watch – thankfully, nobody had been about and when asked, he’d – well, he’d lied. It might not have been the most honourable course of action, but it had worked.

He had no idea what had happened to them. Rumours said that the had made their way to the palace and had been thrown in the dungeon, but rumours could be deceptive, and he knew better than to listen to them. He didn’t want to be on the short list for the next execution.

So, all he had to do was keep his head low, lie when asked and hope that no one else would come through the door. And surely, no one would? He had guarded the door many times before, and no one had ever tried to gain entry. Nor had anyone done so while anybody else had been on duty –

Somebody knocked.

[*]This had a reason, of course. Rincewind firmly believed that, seeing as his life was a near-constant stream of strange things happening and especially to him, he should stay near the saner part of the population – which, given that the Bursar was one of them, made those he usually conferred with crazier than a bag of frogs. Still, it meant that whenever he heard rumours of madness or insanity, he decided he wanted nothing to do with it – just in case Fate decided to play with him again. As we have seen, that would have been the entirely wrong way of looking at it – Fate played against him. It was the Lady who normally chose him, if only to tempt Fate.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As the other half of this tale makes quite clear, he would have been right about that. The predators who were currently trying to enter were decidedly unnatural.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Who, as it must be stated in the interest of the guilds of Ankh-Morpork, was a fully registered member of the Guild of Thieves and would never have stolen from a place where the owner had fully paid his fees, like the Mended Drum, which meant he had all the more leisure to get drunk there.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	19. In Which Rincewind Meets An Old Acquaintance, And Granny Tries Something

**Discworld – Vinchen – At The Wall**

Vinch stared at the door. Surely it couldn’t happen _again_? It must be a hallucination, brought on by too many panicked thoughts of being –

Another knock.

The knocks, he decided, sounded different than the last ones. That had been somewhat old-fashioned knocks, knocks that meant business; knocks that indicated one should open the door sooner rather than later. Those were…

Those were dramatic knocks. As if whoever was knocking was more than ready to wait a little to be let in if it brought the desired effect.

Vinch decided that he or she or they might wait forever. He wouldn’t risk another –

And then the knocking began in earnest. This was not dramatic knocking anymore; no, this was rather –

* * *

“Would you stop that? I had everything under control.”

“And nothing was happening” Rincewind said, continuing to hammer at the door. “And if we are straight to run into the next danger, I would much rather get it over and done with before sundown. And then I’d like a bed to sleep in and a good meal.”

Voicing those wishes had seldom, if ever, been successful, but that didn’t mean he’d stop anytime soon.

“But –“

“Do you want to get in or not?”[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“If we just –“

And then the door ever so slowly opened. Just a gap, but it opened. The young face that peered at them looked close to frantic. “Would you go away, please? I am not allowed to let anyone in, and if word comes out that I did it again –“

“Again?” Howl asked. The man immediately looked like he wanted to take back everything he had said.

“I mean –“

“Again? You let someone else in, then” Howl pounced. “They weren’t a young beautiful woman waiting for her husband to come rescue her and a ball of fire, were they?”

He stared at him. “No. They – they were –“ he stopped talking. “I am not letting you in”. He closed the door in their faces.

“Like I said” Howl turned to Rincewind, looking satisfied, “Sophie and Calcifer are right in the middle of it all, like I knew they would…” he trailed off. There was something the matter with his sidekick. His eyes… Something wasn’t right about his eyes. “We should still find a way to get in” he continued, hoping he sounded as dashingly casual as he wanted. “I am sure if we knock some more…”

“Or we could do another spell” Rincewind suggested and yes, something was definitely wrong. Normally he would have run from any chance of using magic.

“Yes but I thought we should… carefully make our way inside” he replied, thinking it best to control the situation. “You know, be sneaky. Just so they don’t know we’re coming.”

In truth, he had no idea who _they_ happened to be, exactly, but it sounded like then reasonable thing to do.

“Fine. What do we do, then?” Rincewind asked, “Because – “

Suddenly, he grew deathly pale as he stared at something beyond Howl’s shoulder.

He turned to see a skeleton in a robe, holding a scythe.

Hello Rincewind.

“Ook” he managed. Howl was still looking at the skeleton, wondering what –

It seems like my sort of thing, wouldn’t you agree?

“Ook” Rincewind said again, then swallowed. “This is Howl” he then said, apparently deciding to distract the Skeleton.

He is not from this world.

“No. We are trying to fix it” he offered. At least he looked like the cowardly, rather confused wizard Howl had come to know once more.

Good. Things are bound to come to a head rather soon.

Rincewind swallowed again, but when Howl turned his head, the skeleton was gone. “What was –“

“You don’t want to know” Rincewind told him. “Trust me, you absolutely, completely, utterly do not want to know.” He shook his head. “What was I – what was I doing before –“

“We were trying to get in” Howl explained. “And you were rather adamant –“

But Rincewind wasn’t listening.

“No. No no no no no no” he was muttering. “Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. We should get out of here as fast as we can.”

“But –“

“You don’t understand!” he took a deep breath. “I don’t have – experience with – but I can tell – I think – I am pretty sure” he lowered his voice. “It’s _them_.”

“Them?”

“Yes. The Lords and Ladies.”

“Lords and Ladies?” He asked. It didn’t sound very scary, really.

“Yes!”

“And?”

The subsequent silence could have been cut with a knife.

Then, Rincewind exploded. “And! He says _And_! As if he’s just any farmer sitting in his house, thinking they are sweet little small girls with wings! _And_ , he says!”

“Little –“ Howl thought about it for a second. “Do you mean fair –“

“Don’t mention their name, for God’s sake!”

“But they are just –“

Rincewind’s glares made him shit up. “They are dangerous” he hissed. “Everyone who knows _anything_ about magic knows that. But not our big important wizard from another world, of course.”

“So they are not… good?”

“No. In fact, they are the very opposite of that. So we should be going –“

“But Sophie and –“

“Trust me, if they are in the middle of this, there is nothing –“

But Howl had had enough. “Listen to me, you selfish, sly coward –“

“If you think you can insult me by describing me –“

“As a matter of fact, those are also the words Sophie uses to describe me, but that’s beside the point. What I mean is that I am going on, and you are coming with me because I need someone who knows about this.”

There must have been something in his voice, because Rincewind’s shoulders slumped. “Any chance that we simply can’t get in?” he suggested with what Howl assumed he thought was a hopeful tone.

“I think we can probably get through if we want. We could try knocking again; the guard seemed rather young and inexperienced – “ he stopped and thought. “On the other hand, we could probably climb the wall.” Whether or not Rincewind was in his right mind, it was probably a good idea to keep the element of surprise on their side.

“Climb – how are we supposed to do that?”

“Well, we’re in a forest, right? We might as well use the wood we have been given.”

Rincewind groaned.

**Vinchen – The Palace**

This, Sophie decided, was not something she understood completely… but that had never stopped her from acting when the need arose. “What have you done to Twoflower?” she demanded. He might have been somewhat annoying at times, but he had been their companion for a while now. And she would admit that, while she couldn’t share his optimism, she thought that both their worlds would have been better off for it, now and then.

“You do not have to worry about him.”

“Sorry but I am going to worry! And furthermore, you are going to let him go!”

“Sophie…”

She turned to Granny Weatherwax and realised that, for the first time, she looked scared.

Well. This did not bode well. But really, could the… Lords and Ladies be that much worse than the Witch of the Waste?[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

“So what do you want?”

“Want?” Twoflower – the thing that had taken him over – laughed. “It’s always so easy for you, isn’t it? Wants. Needs. This is not about this.”

Sophie glanced at Calcifer and could tell that he was trying to figure out what the Lady was. Good. They needed all the help they could get.

“But, if you have to know…” she added. “What we want is to enter this world. And we have. You will not get rid of his now. I know you tried before, Esme Weatherwax, but you were just too weak.”

“Don’t lecture me” Granny said grimly. “In the end, you are just despots.”

The look of pure fury seemed almost comical on Twoflower’s face. “How –“

But Granny had already grabbed Sophie and hissed, “Come on, you ball of fire!”

“You know very well I am a –“

“I said, come on!”

“You won’t escape, Esmerelda Weatherwax!” Twoflower called out. And in fact, Sophie had the feeling that she was allowing them to leave for now, rather than them escaping.

Granny led them two corridors away, then stopped. “There is no use running further. She knows where we are.”

“How did the Lady get into Twoflower?”

“The Queen. They call themselves queens. And… His dreams. It’s what they do.” She shook her head. “Should have realized he’d been having nice ones… You are finally getting old, Esme Weatherwax… And worse, you are turning into a fool!”

“What do we do now?”

Granny thought quickly. The expression that crossed her face suggested that she was about to do something rather crazy and extremely dangerous. “What I just said, about their being no point in running… there might be one exception to that.”

* * *

And that was how they ended up back in the dungeon. “What are you going to do?” Sophie repeated a question she’d asked with increasing exasperation for the last five minutes.

“The last time, they got in through the minds of a few fools sleeping near a door” Granny said, prodding the soggy straw bang on the floor with her foot. “This time, it’s Twoflower, but so far he is the only one. We need to get her out of there.”

She looked at Sophie, and for the first time, she not only _felt_ the power that Granny carried within her, but _saw_ it as well. “So I will have to do some Borrowing. Well, in this case Entering. And then I’ll have to find the door in his mind and shut it.”

“But… isn’t that dangerous?”

“Incredibly so” she said, “And if she finds me… but it’s the only way I can think of.”

“You said she knows where we are… what if she decides once you try that to get to your body? You will not be able to defend yourself, and I don’t know if we can…” Sophie was determined to try, of course, but she had no idea what to do, loathe as she was to admit it.

“I could try and shield Mrs. Weatherwax from her” Calcifer immediately said. “She is a being from another world, as am I.”

“But I am as well –“

“No offense, but both you and Mrs. Weatherwax –“

“Mistress Weatherwax.”

“Mistress Weatherwax and you are humans, despite everything. She isn’t. I’m not. I will try and use my powers against hers. And if she actually starts trying to chase us down, Sophie could get into the alchemists’ room and do what must be done.”

She nodded; Howl always claimed that she was great at destroying things when she put her mind to it.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

“Alright then” Granny determinedly laid down on the straw. “Time to act.”

* * *

She really didn’t look as if her mind had left her body, Sophie thought. She looked like she was asleep, or maybe dead. She swallowed and turned around. “Can you…”

“Her mind is still around but not here” Calcifer said firmly.

“I will go back then.”

“Good luck” Calcifer said softly and she looked at their friend, her throat suddenly dry.

“To you as well” she replied quietly, “And be careful.”

“Oh Sophie” he sighed, “Why should we start now?”

[*]Rincewind’s impatience might have seemed rather out of character, and it was. For, hat or not, bad spelling or not, he was still a wizard; and wizards see and feel things for what they are. And so he now felt that there was something important in Vinchen, something that – that – he couldn’t quite explain; but they needed to get in.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]This was, of course, faulty thinking, as is often found in almost every creature during a stressful situation. The Lords and Ladies were in fact quite a different thing from the Witch of the Waste, and dangerous in quite another manner. The truth is that, no matter what, all worlds are different, as are creatures, although people tend to fundamentally be the same. It doesn’t make sense, but it has been working out for millennia now, so no one questions it.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]And sometimes when she didn’t.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	20. In Which There Is Something Like A Battle, And Ladder-Building

**Vinchen – The Palace**

Granny had often Borrowed before. It was a great way to keep an eye on things without actually having to walk anywhere, or to find out what she needed to know.

But it held its dangers, too; and what she was doing was more dangerous than anything she’d ever done before, including the time she had Borrowed a hive mind of bees.

She was drifting, trying to find –

There. Someone who was very confused, and very scared; and underneath it all, almost too decent for this world.

This could only be Twoflower.

And then Granny slipped in.

It was one of the… lightest minds she had ever been in. That didn’t mean that Twoflower was stupid – no, she had very quickly realized that he did actually have a brain, even if he used it on weird things she didn’t consider important. No, it was a mind singularly free of many of the restraints that she had felt in others. Not even the need for food or shelter was as prevalent as a certain… harmony, a belief in itself and the world.

Yes, Granny had never seen something quite like it[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

Especially because –

Yes. There she was. The malice. The thirst for power. And above all, the magic. The magic that had called out to the First Adviser in his madness. And it was doing the best it could do keep Twoflower under her control.

That might actually have been for the better. God knew what it would do to him to be confronted with the reality that sometimes, people and things were just evil and there was nothing one could do about it.

Granny normally thought that it would be a good thing if people thought more clearly, but this was not the case when it came to Twoflower. His mind was too delicate, too prone to think of good.

_Again, Esme Weatherwax?_

She didn’t answer, instead concentrating on making sure that She could not tell where she was. She needed to give Sophie time to –

But she stopped herself before she could think of their plan. She couldn’t let Her know.

_Are you hiding from me now? You should have thought of that before… Now you are here. And I am in control._

That might be true, but Granny had had an idea, and she carefully extended her own senses. Keep her talking. “That’s what you always want, isn’t it? Control. And to think people believe you are just little people with wings.”

_It makes it easier for us, I won’t deny that. But it is not necessary. It wouldn’t be – we could get in another way._

Only they couldn’t. They had to lie and cheat and make people forget what they were. And only then did they have a chance.

But there were things in everyone’s mind that were not safe…

And then she felt it. Something so very human that She would never have had an idea to look for it, to distract him from it.

Grief.

As he had indicated when talking of his daughters, Twoflower had lost someone. Someone he loved. Granny had hoped that would be the case, as heartless as it sounded. But grief and love were powerful things, powerful emotions, and they proved that Twoflower was still in here.

Finding it was not enough, of course – she needed to make Her feel it too, confuse her, make her experience humanity, if only for a short time. It would make her unable to do what she had set out to do.

She had to make sure.

And so she prodded.

* * *

Sophie was quietly slipping back to the alchemists’ room, only vaguely wondering where they were; they had bigger problems now. She had no idea if the Lady in Twoflower’s body had left yet, and was muttering to herself “No one can see you. Not even the Lady. Do you hear, Lady? You can’t see me or hear me. Even if I stood right in front of you.” Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, and she was starting to sweat, but she had no choice; she had to do this.

* * *

_I don’t know what you are trying to do while you’re running around in this little mind of your friend, but I can assure you –_

_Come on,_ Granny thought, _You are grieving, you are still grieving, I can feel it. You loved someone very much. Who was it? Parents? Siblings? A spouse? A twinge. Another twinge. Yes. A wife, then. You mentioned you had daughters. They lost their mother. Another twinge. And this time, there wasn’t just grief. There was anger there, too. And Granny_ liked _anger. Anger was useful._

He wasn’t awake, of course. But one needn’t to be able to feel. Otherwise dreams would have had no point.

And so Granny prodded. Something like her conscience made itself known for a moment, but she couldn’t afford it. Not now. So she remembered.

She remembered those she had lost, and those she had loved; and in some cases, both had been true. Not many people knew about the losses she had suffered – but live long enough and everyone experienced it.

And then she felt it.

Grief was flooding Twoflower’s mind, distracting even Her.

 _What are you doing?_ She shrieked, for once unsettled. She had never known anything like this.

_You wanted to infiltrate a human mind. So now you do._

_You – you –_

She could feel Her pulling herself together, but there was an uncertainty that hadn’t been there before.

_You will pay for this._

_I’d like to see you try._

Normally, She would have wondered why Granny was goading her, but she was still reeling.

_I will find you._

And then Granny felt the body they occupied move. If she’d had a face, she would have smiled then.

**Vinchen – Outside The Wall**

“No, no, you need to –“

“This would be easier if we had tools” Rincewind said without the hope of this being rectified. He just wanted to state the fact.

“But we don’t have them” Howl replied, apparently content to do the same. “So we have to improvise.”

Therefore, they continued working on their makeshift ladder.

At least his encounter with Death had reminded him of who he was, and what they were doing here.

Because wizards saw what was real. And wizards felt what was real, and he had felt it the second he had arrived here and a strange longing had taken place in his mind, a longing that wasn’t natural, that wasn’t him at all, and it had become stronger and started to turn him into something he wasn’t.

The Lords and Ladies. He had read about them in a few of the library books… when the librarian hadn’t been around. It had been some of those books he would rather have locked away from students, if he could. But Rincewind had consoled himself with the thoughts that he was not a student, at least not officially, in the same way the other wizards weren’t students anymore even though if a crisis presented itself, they were no more likely to come up with a solution than they were.

But still, Rincewind had read the books, mostly because of his philosophy that it was much better to know what to avoid than to not recognize the signs and then have to deal with things that ought to be avoided.

And so here he was and had almost run into danger simply, because they… they…

He shuddered.

“And under no circumstances say their name” he said for about the tenth time. But this time, Howl didn’t tell him to shut up.

“You’re really scared” he said quietly instead. “I know the feeling.”

 _No you don’t_ , Rincewind thought. _You don’t know the absolute panic about your own skin. Otherwise you wouldn’t throw yourself in situations like this just to be dashy._

“I can’t begin to imagine what Sophie must be going through” he continued, the added, “And Calcifer too, I suppose. With our magic all out of whack…” and Rincewind grew nervous. Because for once, this wasn’t Howl being overdramatic; no, this felt real, and Rincewind had little to no idea how to deal it. But here they were, and there was no way out.

In truth, he simply didn’t have any experience of feeling scared for anyone else except for Twoflower and then the reason for that had been that the Patrician would have had him executed if something happened to the first tourist of the Disc.

But there was this thing – Rincewind’s terrible secret that he had sadly discovered one day when he’d been stuck in another world with a child.

Cowardly he may have been. And a terrible wizard. And, if anything came out of it for him, a less than loyal friend at times.

But despite all of that, Rincewind happened to be a decent person underneath it all, and that was why he clumsily moved to comfort Howl even though he told himself that he did it because he needed him to keep his wits about himself.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

“If she is anything like you told me she is going to be alright.”

Howl looked at him then, an cracked a smile. “You’re right. If those… things are in there, Sophie is trying to stop them, and doing pretty well, I dare say.”

That hadn’t been as difficult as Rincewind had feared but then, Howl had the habit of telling himself that things would go well because otherwise he would never have succeeded in talking himself into them to begin with.

Rincewind nodded in what he hoped was an encouraging manner and concentrated on the branch he’d been trying to dislodge from the tree again.

* * *

How they made it work, he would never be sure, but they finally succeeded in making something that could have been called a ladder, although Rincewind would have vastly preferred it if someone had tried it out before he stepped on it. He knew all too well that he would be the one to do that, though.

Howl had declared that they should try and use it rather far away from the door since they had probably “spooked” the guards. Rincewind thought that this would probably mean more guards all along the wall, but didn’t say anything.

“Alright then” he said, “Help me carry this thing, will you?”

Miraculously, Howl complied.

* * *

They carried the ladder as far as they could, or rather, as far as Rincewind would go. There seemed little point in going round the whole country; he knew it wasn’t that big, and if they weren’t careful they would only end up back at the door.

Naturally, there was nothing edible around; and so Rincewind decided to do what he always did in those situations, which was not think about food at all, which then turned into thinking of nothing _but_ food.

Howl seemed to be preoccupied with other things. “Tell me about them.”

“Them?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know, fai –“

“Stop!”

“Fine. But only if you tell me all there is to know about them. It’s best to be prepared.”

For once, Rincewind found himself agreeing whole-heartedly with him, even though as he told him, he wondered if anything could prepare them for what lay ahead at all.

[*]Seen is, naturally, not the right word to use in this context, but it is the closest to describe what Granny was doing. There is, it is true, a correct word in the language of the dwarfs, but as it is literally unpronounceable, it would only incumber the flow of this tale.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Strangely enough, this is what most people across the multiverse do. They have to find an excuse for their own decency. This might be because, unlike other admirable qualities like bravery or intelligence, no one has ever described someone as a “really decent fellow” without being heavily sarcastic.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)


	21. In Which Some Witches Get Stuff Done, And Some Wizards At Least Get Into Vinchen

**Vinchen – Outside And Somewhere Along The Wall**

Well. The first three steps, the ladder had held. Rincewind decided this was a good thing, then immediately regretted it because good things were always, always followed by bad things when you were called Rincewind and wore a wizzard’s hat.

“See? Told you it would work!” Howl whispered dramatically. Apparently, he had decided that now it was the time to be quiet even though Rincewind couldn’t hear a single sound emanating from within the wall despite slowly climbing it. It was rather disconcerting, when he thought about it. He was used to the sounds and smells of Ankh-Morpork in all their glory or perhaps, more accurately, their infamy; a silent city just seemed unnatural. Wrpng. Small wonder so few people had heard of Vinchen, or that it even existed. No one who had ever been to Ankh-Morpork – and most people who were from around here had – would ever believe in a quiet city.

“I don’t like this” he whispered.

To his utter surprise, Howl asked “What’s wrong?”

[ [*] ](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“It’s too quiet. Don’t you think so?”

There was the distinct lack of sound that meant someone was closely listening to what wasn’t there behind him and then he answered, “You’re right. In towns or cities, there is _always_ something. To go bump in the night. Nothing scary, usually, but something.”

“And here there’s nothing. Don’t like it.”

And then there was this… other thing.

The last time he had been this close to the Wall, he had felt the pull to get in at all costs. But now – there was nothing.

Something must have happened. But judging by how quiet everything was… Rincewind was rather sure it couldn’t be good. What else was new.

**Vinchen – Inside The Palace**

As soon as Sophie had left, Calcifer was on his way too. His powers might have been dimmed, but so they had even when he had first fallen into Ingary, and he had figured it out. Granted, by the time he had, he and Howl had been bound and almost certainly doomed, but it had all worked out fine, in the end.

And this? This was something he was good at.

Calcifer didn’t think like humans because he wasn’t human, and he never would be. And neither would the Lords and Ladies trying to get in.

So they would not be looking for Granny like a human would. They would not stroll around opening doors.

No, they would stroll around looking for her magic.

Because this was just how they worked. Humans looked for other humans, listened for a voice, tried to find someone by checking rooms, but things like Calcifer or _them_ …

There had been a reason he had known immediately that Sophie had been under a spell. Yes, magic drew them in.

And the one they were fighting… he doubted if Granny Weatherwax knew, but she respected her. Respected her so much that she would consider it more than probable that she would yield a lot of power.

A lot.

And so Calcifer started floating through the castle, trying to cast his magic wherever he could, no matter how exhausting it was. He was no idiot, so he left some near the dungeon too; just enough to wake her interest but little enough that she would then decide it wasn’t worth enough investigating further.

Yes, he was no fool.

The castle was really rather vast, especially because he was used to Howl’s and Sophie’s moving one. He supposed keeping it still meant they had had to compensate in some way. Calcifer himself didn’t see a point in it since they couldn’t take it anywhere to show people.

**Someplace Else**

Granny didn’t know how long this fight between them had been going on. A part of her was aware that she was exhausted, must be exhausted, but she had decided that for once, she wouldn’t pay any attention to how things ought to be, but only how things were at the moment, because it gave her advantage.

The advantage of having her believe Granny was exhausted when she wasn’t.

It probably wasn’t much of one, but she had done more with much less.

_I will find your body, Esme Weatherway, and then there will be nothing for you to return to._

That wasn’t even the biggest danger; if she stayed away for too long she risked not finding her way back. Many a witch had spent too long in a cat or an eagle or some other animal and forgotten who she was – or perhaps more importantly, _what_ she was.

Not that she was in any danger to consider herself one of them. But with Twoflower’s mind near her, albeit still thankfully unconscious –

“You have to find me first, and it’s not as easy as you thought it would be, is it?”

She was goading her, but she had to keep her angry. Let those unfamiliar emptions do their job. That’s why so many witches were keen on Borrowing; leave it all behind for a few hours…

The trick was to want to get back to it all, and Granny had never erred when it came to that.

And so she fought on.

**Vinchen – Inside The Palace**

Sophie slipped into the room. She considered the things she saw, which were mostly unfamiliar and strange and weird to her. But then, most things were when she first encountered them. That was the point when encountering something first.

Alright. She took a deep breath and remembered what she had done once, when she had realized…

She walked along the room. She would admit that she could have used Calcifer’s help, but she would have to deal.

And so she kept walking up and down the rows of tables and started talking. “Now you don’t want to help to bring a catastrophe upon this world, do you? I might not know it very well but I have seen some of its inhabitants, and they appear to be fine – and – “ she stopped and thought, then realized that her best bet had always been to become angry when she had to. Well, that wasn’t difficult.

“And if you really think I will allow that First Adviser to ruin everything just because – then you’ve got another thing coming. Because I am pretty sure that most of those Howl and I have dealt with have been mad or insane or power-hungry or a combination of all three, and that hasn’t stopped us!” She paused for a moment. “As a matter of fact, in his more ebullient moments, you can probably claim that _Howl_ is mad… or just an idiot.” She closed her eyes as a surge of longing swept through her. Another wave of anger helped her get through it. “I am not going to be captured by some madman and some – Lords and Ladies and whatnot! I am going to go home! And then I will tell Howl what I think of him allowing just any door to open up in the castle! And how I feel about getting sucked into a strange world and having to deal with _an optimist_ and not knowing how to get food or shelter and –“ she knocked on the beacon. “You are NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BRING THE END OF THE WORLD!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE GOOD THINGS AND THEN YOU WON’T WORK WHEN THEY WANT YOU TO BECAUSE GET WHAT! THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY WANTS IT TO WORK IS MAD! DON’T YOU DARE–“

It was working. The substances were slowly changing colour and stopped bubbling; she hoped that meant that these… potions wouldn’t work when the alchemists tried to use them to open more doors to let the Lady’s followers in.

**Someplace Else**

_Yes, come find me,_ Granny thought. _Try and find me. I will keep this up – I will flood you with human emotions, raw emotions, I will make this impossible for you, milady._

_You cannot win._

_You think that, but then you always think that. You were wrong before, you will be wrong now. Because that’s what things like you do – they try and take over world and get stopped._

Their struggle continued.

**Vinchen – Inside The Palace**

Calcifer was leaving magic traces wherever he could. He needed to keep a careful distance between himself and the Lady at all times.

He wasn’t quite sure how her magic worked. But then, he hadn’t known how Howl’s worked at first, either. That as no problem to him. What bothered him was that he wasn’t sure how powerful she was – how powerful they were. But they certainly weren’t almighty; no, otherwise they would already be all over the place.

And so he continued on his mission. A little magic here… a little there…

At least they had one advantage. She didn’t seem to pay too much attention; hostile magic was hostile magic to her. There was no distinction between Calcifer’s and Granny’s magic to her.

If he could have grinned mischievously, he would have.

* * *

The beacons looked like nothing in them would work. Good. Sophie stared at the strange clock. It made sense that it should be there; after all, time was a type of door, wasn’t it? It separated the past from the future… and one passed through it with a blink, present already having turned into the past…

“Now, you don’t have clock hands and that’s a bad thing, see? Because you can’t work” she said firmly. “How is a clock supposed to work if it doesn’t have the proper parts? It’s like a door without a handle! If our door didn’t have a handle we would never be able to visit Howl’s family…” She trailed off because a part of her wouldn’t have minded that, but then she continued, “So you see, you are not a proper clock at all. You can’t work, and you won’t.”

The ticking stopped.

She leaned against the table and took a deep breath. This had taken more of her energy than she could afford to lose, as she well knew; but they couldn’t let the Lords and Ladies in. It would be a catastrophe.

**Discworld – Vinchen – On The Wall**

At least, Rincewind thought, he was _on_ the wall now. Well and truly. But how to get down was another problem.

“Move over so we can pull up the ladder!” Howl hissed and Rincewind, who well knew that this was not the time to mention that he wasn’t good with heights, obeyed. It was easier.

“So” Howl declared, swinging his legs over the wall with ease. “Now we grab the ladder –“

It was a bit of a hassle, but really, it was preferable to Howl explaining dramatically how they should be doing this, so Rincewind didn’t mind.

“Do you want me to go first again?” he asked. Surely Howl wanted to make sure there were no armed guards below them, ready to strike at whoever –

“Oh no, this is a rescue! I cannot possibly allow you to go first –“

Now that he knew the ladder would hold, Rincewind thought.

“If there is someone down there” Howl announced, “I will make sure you have the time to get away.”

 _How_? Rincewind thought. _Am I supposed to jump off the Wall?_

But he didn’t say it out loud. What for?

And so he watched as Howl climbed down into the dark and quiet city.

Nothing. Then, very quietly, he heard, “You can come down!”

And for a moment, he contemplated just leaving him there. But again – sadly, he was a decent man underneath it all, and so he followed Howl.

“What now?” he asked once they were both walking through the city.

“Oh, we look for the root of the problem. Sophie’ll be there.”

Of course.

[*]If Rincewind had thought about it, he would not have been surprised. If Howl’s wife had been there to watch their exchange – and had known about him comforting Howl just a short time ago – she would have explained it like this: “Of course he trusts him now. Howl is a sly deceiver, God knows, and those always need decent people around.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	22. In Which Wizards Get Lost And Witches Try Not To Be Found

**Discworld – Vinchen – On the streets**

“That was my foot!“

“Not my fault if you can’t see where you’re going –“

“It’s pitch black, how am I supposed to –“

“How often do I have to repeat myself, if we had a light we would only attract attention, and now be silent!”

Howl on a heroic mission as even more insufferable than normal Howl, Rincewind decided. He didn’t see any sense in stumbling around in the dark, but apparently that was how to do it. “It’s what I did when the Witch of the Wate had Sophie – I charged” he’d said, and that seemed to be all the reason he needed to do so again, despite the fact that this wasn’t just some witch.

Oh, Rincewind knew all about witches. Yet he knew even more about… other things, and that meant that he’d rather not deal with the latter. Give him an evil witch any day.

Well, it was true, life hadn’t done so yet, but it was always a good idea to be prepared.

“So, if we consider the probabilities, then everything should take place in the palace.”

“What?”

“There has to be a palace, right?”

“I would imagine so” Rincewind said. “They ought to have a king.”[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) __

__

“In that case, then, there is a palace, and that is where such things happen. That’s how stories work.”

Rincewind was starting to think that stories in Ingary were very straight-forward. If they had been in Ankh-Morpork, he would have considered the fact that they ought to go to the palace as evidence that it should be the last place they should look. “Better find it, then” he said resignedly.

Howl slapped his shoulder. “I knew there was a hero in there somewhere! You learn to recognize the type.”

He wanted to explain that he was most definitely not a hero for the simple reason that he was a wizard, and that was quite a different thing, but apparently there was no distinction between them in Howl’s strange world.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were hopelessly lost. Or at least that was how Rincewind would have described it. Howl chose to see it as “recognizance.”

“How are we supposed to find the palace if we have no idea where we are?” Rincewind hissed.

“We will get there, don’t worry. We are the heroes. Heroes get where they are supposed to be. That’s –“

“How it works” he sighed. “I know.”

“Why did you ask, then?”

Because I have a right to complain, Rincewind thought. Because I can. Because I want this over and done with, so I can get back to my normal life.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) And so, he sighed and soldiered on.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

The place, he quickly realized, was a maze, and Howl was leading them right in the middle of it, not caring where they were going, it seemed, propelled by his belief that they would eventually end up where they were supposed to.

By ye gods.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

“Howl – Howl!” he demanded. “Don’t you think it’s a little peculiar how quiet everything is?”

“No. Why? This is a rather primitive world –“

“How dare you –“ Apart from patriotic pride, which Rincewind had always been rather sure he didn’t possess, it was quite some thing to consider others primitive; but Ankh-Morpork, and by and large the Disc as a whole, was far from primitive. You could even have called it so complicated that it went back around to being simple again.

“That’s not what I meant! You don’t even have cars! Like Ingary! And I _like_ Ingary – why do you think I live there? What I wanted to say is that you don’t have electric –“

Rincewind didn’t want to know what those were. “I suppose so” he said, sighing. He was ready to bet electrics made way more sense than anything he had been through in his life.

**Vinchen – Inside The Palace**

Sophie was reasonably sure that nothing of the stuff in the beacons was going to work, and that the clock wouldn’t open any doors.

She was well aware that she might have cut them off from returning home, but doors could be reopened. They would have to be careful, but they would get back to Ingary. Someone had to make sure Howl didn’t do anything stupid.

She snuck out of the room. They had decided that after she was done, she would go sneak down back to the dungeons and free the captives – whether they wanted to or not. They had to get them out of here. A place with a – Lady and a man like the First Adviser was no place for captives.

As she walked down, she felt something fizzle in the air and realized that it was Calcifer’s magic. _Good. Confuse her_.

She only hoped that he wasn’t growing exhausted. She herself could readily admit that she was. But still – she would keep going because that was what she had to do.

She quickly found the way back to the dungeons and looked in on Granny after having made sure the Lady wasn’t around – she still looked unconscious, but that seemed to be normal. So she went to the cell next to theirs.

“Vinnie?”

“Yes?” she immediately inquired. “You were the nice lady from the other cell, weren’t you?”

“Yes. Look, I know you think that this is the safest place for you, but that has changed. There is a powerful fai – a very powerful magician is here to take over the world, and if they found you or your fellow inmates, you wouldn’t have long to live, so we have to get you out of here.”

When she didn’t answer immediately, she added, “And I saw your mother.”

“You did? How is she doing?”

“Worried about you.” It was probably not the fairest of statements, but she had to act quickly. And her patience was running rather thin.

“I – do you think –“

“She wants you out of here! Of course she does! Now am I allowed to help you or would you just sit there and do nothing if I open the door?”

First, nothing. Then her quiet reply came. “I want to go home.”

She really was still very young, and Sophie didn’t answer, instead focusing on the door. “You are going to open” she said firmly. “Do you hear me? It is simply not right for people to be locked away because someone randomly decides they should be –“

She knocked on the door. “Do you hear me? You are going to open!”

And then it quietly swung open. She leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. This was taking more and more energy she couldn’t afford to lose.

“Are you alright?” the young girl who looked very much like her mother asked.

Sophie nodded. “I have to be.”

“I know that feeling” she told her with eyes that were too knowing for her age. By the time Sophie had felt this way, she had already been an old woman for quite some time, disregarding the fact that she had later been turned back to her right age.

“Any idea how many others there are?”

She looked at her, obviously worried. “Quite a few, I think.”

“We’ve got work to do, then.”

They walked to the next cell and called out “Is someone there?”

This time, a voice answered. “Depends who is asking.”

Granny had been right. There was still some fight left in those in Vinchen. It was only logical that those should end up in prison.

“I have come to get you out of here –“

“But you can’t! We will be punished!”

Or they had been wrong after all, and everyone was glad to stay in the dungeons until they were executed.

Sophie was just opening her mouth to intervene when another voice said, “Vincent, that is not why I married you twenty years ago – you will agree to break out of this prison right now!”

“But sweetheart –“

“I won’t be sweet for much longer if I have to stay here for another minute – is there any way we can help you, miss?”

She thought of Twoflower and the pin she had taken with her. “You wouldn’t be able to open a door with a pin, would you?”

“Oh yes. Learned it when I was a little girl.”

“But Vinessa –“

“Not now Vincent, not now, so help me the Gods –“

Sophie passed the pin through the door and hastened to the next cell.

“Oh hello Miss” an elderly man called out as soon as she had reached the door, proving that some at least had a hunch to what was going on. “I assume I have no choice but to get out if you ask me to?”

“That’s right”.

“Oh, good, as long as you are ready to –“

Oh no. She knew exactly where this was going. “I am not going to testify anything but you are still leaving. Just like everyone else.”

A pause. A sigh. “Fine. I will.”

“Good.”

And then she had no other choice but to open the door using her powers again.

“How do you do that?” Vinnie asked, watching her with big eyes as it swung open.

“I have magical powers.”

“Do you think I could have them too?” she asked excitedly.

“It’s possible” she answered. After all, it was. She wasn’t quite sure how one set about becoming a witch or wizard here, but there had to be some ways one could learn whether one had the ability or not. Sophie had needed some time to figure it out as well.

“For now, though” she took a deep breath. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but do you remember when they took you here… do you remember the way to the door out?”

She nodded. Thank God.

“Now here is what I need you to do once everyone’s been freed…”

[*]Or, he could have added, at least a dictator. While the inhabitants of Discworld learned about democracy long ago, they quickly realized that to actually maintain it takes effort and that having a strongman or a strongwoman – it is an equal opportunity job; It doesn’t really matter who orders an execution as long as they are powerful enough to do so – is simply easier and more efficient. Certainly no one would argue that the Patrician’s rule has brought Ankh-Morpork anything else than stability and peace – if at the cost of a few of its more power-hungry children who all made the mistake at some time or another to believe that just because Lord Ventinari looked like a rather ordinary man that he was one (Our revered Patrician, Lord Havlock Vetinari, is a man. Presumably.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]He was, naturally, very aware that his normal life would include the usual catastrophes. But one can get used to everything.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Just an expression. If there was one job Rincewind was less qualified for than wizard, which really, it was soldier. Unless being a soldier meant bravely showing the enemy your back as you ran as far away from them as you could.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Said gods were currently having a rather good time. It had been a while since Fate’s face had turned that red – the last one being when Commander Vimes had been unfortunate enough to grab the wrong Disorganizer and be told what would have happened to another Samuel Vimes if he had made the decision Samuel Vimes had almost made, only that he hadn’t, which was why he was told that he was to die in the streets of Ankh-Morpork wile he was running around in the sand dunes of Klatch. That had been fun, too, but then, the Lady hadn’t been responsible, so she hadn’t been able to laugh at Fate. Which she wasn’t doing now either, of course. The Lady never laughed out loud; you could just read it in her eyes. And right now, she was laughing quite loud enough in that way. And Fate was… well… let us just say that, if Rincewind had ever had any doubt in the matter, which he hadn’t, he could have relaxed and known that Fate was most definitely not on his side at the moment.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)


	23. In Which There Are Some Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!

**Vinchen – The Palace**

She was panting. She knew well enough that she shouldn’t have opened the doors so quickly, but they didn’t have the time. “Is that everyone?”

“We don’t know about any other cell” Vinnie, who had been discussing the situation with the other freed captives. said.

“Good” Sophie muttered as an old man carefully made his way out of the last cell. “We need to get you out of here. Do you all have some place to go?”

“I will take those who don’t to Mum” Vinnie told her, proving that she was her mother’s daughter after all.

Sophie nodded; it seemed like a good idea. Vinchessa would look after them. “Let’s go.”

She had readied herself to caution the former captives again and again, but instead they almost walked more quietly than she did. There were some consequences to the fact that they had been trodden down for years after all.

As soon as they reached a door Sophie considered her options, then decided to act. She could have allowed Vinnie to lead them out, but she’d rather do it faster. “Alright. Don’t question this in any way, just get out of here” she told them. She had considered warning them about the Lords and Ladies, but if she were to cause a panic, the Lady – the _Queen_ – might have heard them and attacked – she had no idea how fast she could be in Twoflower’s body.

Yes, better let them go home quietly and try to deal with this themselves.

“This happened before. And you know it’s going to happen again” she told the door firmly. “You are going to open to the outside.”

She wrenched it open, breathing heavily.

The crowd didn’t hesitate. As soon as they smelled the fresh night air, they walked out.

Vinnie surprised her with a hug. “Thank you” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”

“My best to your mother, alright?” Sophie said, hugging her back. “And” she continued, pulling back, “No more of that staying where you are put when you don’t like it or it happens against your will, do you understand me? I get that you were scared, but sometimes you have to forget about fear and get angry instead.”

Vinnie nodded. “I will try.”

“That’s what I meant” she said.

And then she was gone.

Sophie allowed herself a moment of weakness, slumping against the wall and breathing heavily. She didn’t know how much power she had left, but at least the doors were closed to the Queen and the prisoners were free – for as long as they could last without being captured again; but then on the other hand…

Yes, they would deal with that First Adviser as soon as the Queen was defeated, she told herself. Howl would probably have said something about not interfering with other countries’ governments. But he wasn’t here, and he was probably worried sick about her by now. And doing something stupid because of it.

Yes, they had to hurry, for more reasons than one.

As she moved on, she muttered to herself, “You aren’t used to a human body, so you don’t quite know how to go fast… You’re pretty slow, in fact…”

* * *

Calcifer once again swept past the dungeons, if only to make sure Granny was still safe, and was relieved to see that the cells except for hers were empty. Sophie had done what they had agreed she would do, then. Excellent.

Now they just had to do away with the Queen, and if he knew Sophie at all, he was ready to bet that she was about to get rid of that madman too; and then they would have to find a way home…

It sounded like rather a daunting task, or maybe would have sounded like one, but Calcifer had fallen from the sky, and more than that – he had seen what Sophie could do when she set her mind on something. She had made Michael clean the castle, for one thing, and Howl hadn’t thrown her out.

It was a good thing Mistress Weatherwax wouldn’t accompany them home. Calcifer didn’t want to imagine what they would get up to together.

He tried extending his powers. Surely he could at least guess where the Queen in Twoflower’s body was sneaking around…

Really, she seemed to be rather slow –

Of course, he realized. Sophie. She must have used her magic and told her to slow down. After all, that had worked with the scarecrow, hadn’t it?

He had to find her.

* * *

_You are growing weaker, Esme Weatherwax._

She knew, but she was not about to admit it, certainly not to the Lady.

She kept the stream of Twoflower’s emotions constant. There was one advantage to him being such an open, trusting soul, apart from the fact that it was easier to let him sleep since only the gods knew what it would have done to him to wake up locked in his own body; buried the grief and anger may have been, but they were there, and once they were, they were clear and strong; not even the Lady herself could deny that.

Her own feelings, she well knew, would have been more conflicted. She remembered the voices of the other Esme Weatherwaxes in her head, and knew that they had not had bad lives; that some, maybe, had had a better one than hers; and she remembered other things, too…

She couldn’t let her concentration slip. If she currently been occupying her own body, she would have shaken her head at herself.

 _You think you are powerful_ , she thought, _but you are not. Because oh, you might be able to twist someone’s mind, make them forget about you, make them do what you want, but you will never really_ get _people. You can’t because you are not one of them, not one of us. I have seen the same in Sophie’s friend; oh, he’s a good fire demon, but he could never be a man. That is to ask too much._

 _But what he knows about – maybe because he carried that fool’s heart in himself – are_ feelings _. He would never get overwhelmed by them, in contrast to you. And those are what make you so vulnerable right now._

And so their silent fight in the head of Twoflower continued.

**Vinchen – On the streets**

Many of them hadn’t been outside in a long time; had been in the dungeons for so long that they, in fact, no longer knew if it was summer or winter or even how to walk properly. They were dazzled and slightly confused and only felt that something had happened, but whether it was good or bad was yet to be determined; and that in itself baffled them, for like most inhabitants of Vinchen, they had believed that they had long given up on even making a distinction between the two. But now it seemed that something had awoken in them, or perhaps been awoken; as if the door to their prison hadn’t been the only one thrown open.

Vinnie led the way. A steady stream of former captives slowly lost itself throughout the streets, intent on going home and seeing the family and friends they had not dared think of anymore again; but a handful followed her to the house she hadn’t seen in months.

* * *

Vinchessa was waiting. She didn’t know how, or why, she seemed to be one of the few in Vinchen who had never given up hope that things would get better; but somehow she felt that her prayers had been answered when two witches, a small bespectacled man and their fire demon had shown up. It didn’t really make sense, but hope often didn’t.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

And so she waited.

And then she heard it. Maybe she felt something was going on long before she heard it; maybe she just hoped so much that she believed she had felt it; but it didn’t matter.

She heard someone – a few people – coming up the street. And then, there was a knock on the door. “Mum?”

She immediately threw it wide open, guards and the slowly waning night be damned.

* * *

“This is the quietest town I have ever seen” Howl said – Rincewind guessed for lack of anything else to say considering they had been through this several times already. “I mean there has to be –“

And then they heard it.

Laughter.

Now, Rincewind considered himself an expert in identifying types of laughter – it had often come in handy, especially when he had realized said laughter was clearly stating “I am about to rip off your head and play around with it”, prompting him to run in the other direction.

This, though, was different. This was happy laughter. He hadn’t expected it to hear that in a town like this. Rincewind usually didn’t have time for people who pointed out the obvious – in his experience, they either ended up dead or being Twoflower, none of which prospects he cherished. “Something must have happened” he observed, angry at himself even at the moment.

“Yes” Howl replied, “And if I know… let’s go!” and he dragged him towards the direction of the laughter.

They were apparently the only ones to react. Either people were too scared or too confused by someone being happy in this town to bother and try and find out what had occurred.

In one of the small houses – really, it didn’t look different from the other sin the street – a window was lit. It wasn’t just laughter that emanated from it; suddenly, someone began to sing too, and it seemed strange and almost grotesque in this empty, silent city.

Howl simply knocked on the door. Rincewind knew better than try and stop him.

It was opened cautiously, so at least they hadn’t forgotten where the were. “Yes?” A woman blinked shrewdly at them. “You aren’t the guard.”

“No indeed I am not, my good woman” Howl said with a gallant bow, “As a matter of fact, we are travellers from far away who have come to –“

“Yes, yes, come in.”

Rincewind suppressed a smile at the fact that Howl’s techniques didn’t seem to work on her.

She ushered them in. “I am Vinchessa. This is my daughter, Vinnie, recently freed from the dungeon; and these are Vinchera, Vinardo, Vinchano...”

Rincewind felt that Howl was looking at him but chose not to turn his head. He’d heard stranger names over the course of his travels. “Rincewind. And this“ he pointed “is Howl.”

“Howl?” she asked, frowning. “The wizard Howl?”

“That’s right” he said, grinning. “And am I correct to assume –“

“You don’t happen to have a wife named Sophie and a fire demon called Calcifer?”

“Is she an outspoken beautiful woman who knows her own mind?” After a pause he added “And is he a flying fire ball?”

“We are definitely talking about the same people.” She burst into a big smile. “They saved my little girl!”

“That’s Sophie” Howl said proudly. “What from, may I ask?”

“The dungeon, of course.”

Rincewind had never been fond of certain words, and _dungeon_ was definitely one of them. “I –“

“You have to stay and eat with us!” the girl who had apparently been saved interrupted them. “And Mum can tell you all you need to know!”

While Rincewind wasn’t eager to learn what was going on exactly, since it would undoubtedly include danger and deceit, he was always glad to get something to eat.

* * *

Well, it was _very_ little to eat, but it was still something.

Vinchessa did indeed tell them everything. And yes, some of that everything included things he didn’t want to hear. “Twoflower? Small man with glasses who smiles the whole time?”

“That’s right. You know him?”

Rincewind took a deep breath, reminded himself that sometimes, there was nothing one could do, and said, “A little.”

[*]This is a very good thing. No one wants to hope for the best only for said hope to point out that “the best” in this case, for example, means that there is every chance the group who had set out to liberate everyone was either already in the process of being captured or already executed. Considering the preferred method of execution in Vinchen has been decapitation for decades, it stands also to reason that even logical hope would have had some trouble concerning Calcifer in that regard.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	24. In Which A Revolution Begins

**Vinchen – Vinchessa’s House**

Twoflower being near, as Rincewind had had a lot of time to learn, was not a good sign. As a matter of fact, he would rather have called it a bad omen.

Not that Howl would understand. Or Vinchessa. Or any of the other people in the room, who were just glad to be out of the dungeon. That, at least, Rincewind could understand.

“We have to go to the palace” Howl told him. “Sophie and Calcifer are there.”

And so were the guards. And whoever ruled this town – there seemed to be some uncertainty about that. Apparently there used to be an emperor, or at least that was what they believed, but now they had gotten to talking – now they had woken up, as the oldest of them put it – the were starting to wonder when anyone had last seen the supposed ruler.

“That’s Sophie alright” Howl said quietly.

“What?”

“That’s her all over. She gets you thinking, and before you know it, you are off to fight an evil witch even though you’d rather hide under the bed.”

“I used to work in the palace kitchen” a woman was saying, “And we certainly did cook for the emperor, but now that I think about it, the servers didn’t see him –“

“Never?” Rincewind asked.

“Never. Everyone said he was too nervous and disliked people too much to be burdened with the sight of us.”

Rincewind took a deep breath and, knowing that he was going to regret this, asked, “Who’s in charge, then? Who would you say runs the place if the emperor gone?”

The answer came swiftly out of more than one mouth “The First Adviser. Mauvais Vinchiers.”

“He always scared me” the former cook confided, although Rincewind found it difficult to believe there had been something people working in the palace were not scared of. A really reasonable outlook on life, if you asked him. But of course nobody did.

“So you are just going to let him get away with that? Having you live under his thumb while he probably lives deliciously of all the food you are not getting?” Howl asked, raising his voice. Rincewind’s heart sank correspondingly. Because this – he recognized. This was more than just someone asking a question. This was a Moment Where Things Changed. Where someone took the reigns and decided that something had to be done.

“We shouldn’t” Vinchessa immediately agreed, her face lighting up as she realized, too. The others still seemed a bit confused, but that soon changed as Howl jumped on the table and struck a dramatic pose.

“You have been living like this while someone who shouldn’t be ruling you has had control of the palace – he probably did away with your emperor –“

“Good riddance” the old man – Vinardo – murmured, but even his eyes were shining.

“That may be, but then the control should have passed to the people, not stayed with him! You should have been allowed to rule yourselves, to choose how you want to live. My wife would tell you exactly what she thinks of that –“

“She did” Vinchessa said. “She was very clear about her feelings concerning all of this.”

Howl didn’t look surprised – if anything he seemed pleased. “See? And you must know that Sophie usually has rather good ideas – if she doesn’t decide to clean someone’s castle without asking for permission, or makes deals with fire demons behind my back, or runs to the Witch of the Waste because she thinks she needs to save me –“

This was hardly a good case for a rebellion, Rincewind thought, but before he could start to hope, he watched the faces of the people around Howl. No; they were in for it now. He had planted the thought in their heads, and there was no way to get it out of their now.

Furthermore, he had an idea that they was going to have to accompany them – mostly because Howl seemed insistent that they saw through this through to the undoubtedly bitter end.

“So” Howl asked, striking a pose. “What are we going to do?”

“We are going to fight!” Vinchessa announced. “We are going to storm the palace and get rid of the First Adviser – and then we – “

“Now, now, we don’t want to just rush into battle” Howl said quickly, and Rincewind silently said a prayer to the only thing he had ever believed in. Cowardice. Howl might have been ready to run into danger to save Sophie and the demon, but a revolution was something else entirely. “There have been peaceful changes in the world where I come from, too.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“Subterfuge” Howl said firmly. “After all, how do you kill a snake? You cut off the head.”

Rincewind wondered if he was the only one who noticed the tremble in his voice.

“So you mean we should capture the First Adviser? Maybe… maybe convict him for a change?” Vinchessa asked.

Howl nodded. “It would be the best way to ensure the power goes to the people instead of another dictator. And of course I want to find Sophie and Calcifer –“

“They are still in the palace” Vinnie offered, “But Sophie seemed tired.”

“Tired?”

“From using her powers.”

So she could actually use her powers, unlike Howl. Or maybe, Rincewind thought, considering what she had told him, he was simply too stubborn not to do it.

And she had the fire demon. Maybe that had something to do with it.

“Alright. Do you have friends – family? Anyone we can convince to join our side?” Howl wanted to know, but as it turned out, they weren’t optimistic.

Just as well. Rincewind didn’t have good experiences with huge armies, especially if he was caught in the middle of them.

* * *

And that was how a group who had only recently snuck out of the palace, a wizard determined to find his wife and friend, and a very reluctant _wizzard_ slowly made their way through the maze. Rincewind was beginning to wonder how the others had ever found their way through when Vinchessa said, “Here we are.”

“Excellent” Howl said, looking up at the palace.

It was at this moment that Rincewind realized two things with startling clarity: one, Howl had no idea how to get in. And two, he was not going to let that stop him in any way.

**Vinchen – The Palace**

Alright. Now that the captives and the stuff of the alchemists had been dealt with, she needed to find Calcifer – and the Queen in Twoflower, and then they had to save him. And then there was the First Adviser to deal with and win.

Sophie would not accept any other outcome. It was bad enough that these… things had decided they wanted to take over a world that had done nothing to them, that made people believe what they wanted them to, that played around with them because they could.

No. They could not have Twoflower. As charring as his optimism sometimes had been, he had been a great help; and there was something about him being so _innocent_. Sophie had lost that innocence to her own cynicism long ago.

And so she marched on, wondering at the same time where the Mad man was.

* * *

Mauvais Vinchiers was in his chamber, but he was not asleep, even though he had used his dreams to communicate with _them_. 

But if he was being honest, he had never needed the dreams to hear them anyway. They had made sense in a world where everything else had seemed weird, unimportant, illogical; they had told him what he needed to do in order to bring real, raw power to the chaos that was the Disc.

Yes. He would do what they told him to, and then there would be peace, a peace he created after his own rules.

Soon. The alchemists had said soon. They were scared – they were all scared; but then, they were cowards. Cowards who didn’t understand what they were going to do, that they were the harbingers of a new world, a better world.

He would soon be more than a man. He would be _theirs_ , and they would be _his_.

The Lords and Ladies. He smiled. All those fools who wouldn’t even dare think their title, all those idiots who –

And then he heard her. Her, who had spoken the most often to him, her, his solace, the one who had promised him all the power he ever could have wanted.

She was in trouble. Despite the fact that he would never have thought anyone capable of resisting her – despite his belief that she could do anything – he was already moving. He had to protect her.

* * *

Where could she be? Sophie wished she had Calcifer’s powers of locating others using his magic; but he was a fire demon, and she…

Wait. She knew Calcifer’s magic. She had been living with it for quite some time now… certainly she had grown used to how the castle felt?

She closed her eyes. He had to be somewhere…

“Come on” she muttered, “Show me where he is. I know this world’s magic is different from mine, I can feel it, but still – magic is magic.” Even the Queen’s magic was magic in the end, that was why Granny was able to fight her. She believed in that because she had to.

In front of her inner eye, colours bloomed; colours that were different from any she had ever seen before, but which she still understood to be the colours of magic – and there; there was a trace, the trace that her friend had left –

And then she found Calcifer. Her heart sank.

There was someone else – _something else_ – nearby.

**Vinchen – Outside The Palace**

“Come on, you have done it before –“

“But not with that many people watching!”

“The sailors were watching!”

Rincewind grabbed Howl and dragged him a few feet away. “Yes” he hissed “But they were not half-starved and volatile due to years of captivity and ready to rebel against their rulers! God knows what seeing magic will do to them.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I will explain everything” Howl assured him then, and a part of him wanted to scream.

The problem was that another part, a part that had always felt it was unfair that he had never had the chance to become a great wizard, _wanted_ to do magic, good magic, strong magic, more than ever before since he’d had a taste of it.

He sighed. There was nothing he could do anyway. “How does the spell work?”

**Vinchen – Inside the Palace**

Sophie hastened to follow Calcifer’s trail, all the while muttering to herself. “You can’t see or hear or feel me coming. I am just a lowly human running through the corridors; no reason to pay attention to me at all… No, you can’t hear me coming. You won’t be able to tell I am in the room at all.”

It was a good thing she had used her magic again, even if it left her more wheezing than ever, because by the time she reached the room, the Queen had had Calcifer cornered.

* * *

He had felt it when she had finally latched on to him. He had known she would, eventually; what was important now was that she stayed away from Granny’s body. If she should destroy her and she wouldn’t be able to come back…

If he would have had lungs, he would have taken a deep breath as he floated into the throne room; it had been locked with three padlocks, but the wood had been so old and brittle, as opposed to the one used for the dungeon doors, he’d easily burned through it and gotten into… 

What had been a throne room and was now a room where a skeleton was sitting on a throne.

The First Adviser must be responsible for this.

Calcifer could feel her now coming up to him. She was outside the door and, unsettlingly, waited for a few moments before entering.

That expression, he decided, simply didn’t fit on Twoflower’s face. He wondered if he should be looking for Granny in there.

“A fire demon!” the Lady called out, “you have no idea how glad I am you are here!” She strode up to him. “With your power and mine combined we can –“

And then Sophie entered.


	25. In Which There Are Three-In-One

**In The Palace**

Yes, the Queen had Calcifer cornered, and he wasn’t as powerful as he usually was. And yet, as Sophie watched the small bespectacled man, who she hoped had at least been rendered unconscious by her, she couldn’t help but feel that in the end, despite all the differences, this was just another Witch of the Waste. They had beaten something evil like her before, and they could do it again.

(Also, a small part of her screamed, was that a skeleton? But she couldn’t take care of it now).

True, she had had Howl at her side, then; or behind her whenever he sensed danger or in front of her when it came to running away – at least in the beginning; but she was partly doing this to get back home, to get back to him, and she would be damned if she allowed any Lady to just come in and ruin that.

She moved forward, mumbling, “You still have no idea I am here… you can’t see me or hear me…”

Calcifer had noticed her, of course. He always saw her, had always seen her for what she was.

What they needed to do was get the Lady back to her world. She had entered through Twoflower’s mind; it only made sense that she would be able to return through it, too. Meaning they had to scare her enough to retreat. Granny had said they were arrogant and as evil as they came; but even evil ones can be scared, and scared people – or scared something elses – did stupid things, now and then.

Moreover, there was something… something about the way she was holding herself in Twoflower’s body now… Granny had already been at work.

Yes. She was definitely looking less confident, Sophie could tell. She knew how it felt not to be confident. Just because she had gotten over that didn’t mean she didn’t remember.

Granny must be doing a good job. Sophie edged closer.

“You should help me” the Queen was telling Calcifer. “I might leave you alive, then.”

“That’s all you can offer me? Life?” Calcifer asked and Sophie realized just how much he must hate the Queen. He had once readily given up everything he had for a cursed life that had almost been both his and Howl’s doom, and now he didn’t care one bit for the deal. Then again, maybe the time with Howl and Sophie and Michael had changed him. Although he would never admit it if asked, she felt sure.

“Life is a lot, isn’t it? Although maybe not for the likes of us…” Sophie saw him smile. No, _her_. That was not Twoflower’s smile; no, it was the Queen’s. “Take Esme here, for example. Caught up in another’s mind in a fruitless attempt to fight me…”

Sophie didn’t believe her. No one locked Granny in anywhere unless she allowed it.

She looked across the throne room. There had to be something –

Ah.

Well, magic was all nice and good, but sometimes, you had to do things another way.

* * *

Sophie must have made herself invisible again. It was a honey trick of hers, Calcifer would admit that; but how they were going to deal with the Queen and –

He should have known that in the end, Sophie would always stay true to herself.

“You see” the Queen told him – was it just his imagination, or was her voice trembling slightly? “I have plans for this world. Big plans. The reason they failed the last time… it was just plain luck, you see. I won’t allow it to –“

And then Sophie brought down the brick on her – Twoflower’s – head and she crumbled to the ground.

She winced. “I hope I didn’t hit him too hard…”

He would have pointed out that she might have thought of that sooner, but decided not to. He knew better. “Well, at least she’s not walking around creating havoc anymore.”

“That’s true, but… do you think I knocked the others unconscious too?” she asked. “I mean there are three people currently occupying that body.”

Calcifer didn’t really know what to say; not only had he never seen anything like this before, he also didn’t have any experience having a body – what Sophie would have called a body, at least. “We can only hope not. As a matter of fact, it is entirely possible that they are all awake but the body is unconscious…”

Sophie shook her head. “This is complicated.”

“You can say that again.”

And then a voice interrupted them, a gentle, yet cold voice, a voice as contradictory as night and day, as madness itself, and they knew who it was.

It said “Please step away from the Queen.”

The First Adviser was carrying a crossbow and pointing it at Sophie.

**Someplace Else**

Something had happened. Granny was sure of that. Something had shifted.

Something had changed.

And she was ready to bet it had to do with the others.

Then she heard him. “Hello? Oh dear, where have I got to now? It is terribly interesting, don’t get me wrong, but I would really rather –“

She hastened to Twoflower’s side. “Be silent” she hissed.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes wide.

“Your dreams last night” she said quickly, “What do you remember of them?”

She had come to the conclusion that this must always have the Queen’s back-up plan; find a happy, gentle soul and use them and make sure by confusing them that her or Sophie didn’t suspect a thing, the fire demon already a being from quite another place and therefore unlikely to notice something wrong with a human he didn’t know well. The other Lords and Ladies, they needed help; but the Queen herself – she was strong. And dangerous. And, by all definitions, insane. Not that she would have understood. None of the Queens ever would.

“Oh” his face lit up. “they were the most wonderful dreams, I wish you could see them too –“

Of course he did. Granny sighed. “That was the Queen.”

“It was? But then, she was very –“

“Don’t you dare” she told him firmly. “We need to deal with her, and quickly.” She looked around the diffuse fog around them. “Can you tell me where she is?”

“Should I?” he asked innocently.

“This is your mind” Granny told him. “Your thoughts, Your dreams. Your feelings. Everything around us… that’s all you. And she is an intruder.”

“Wouldn’t you be one –“

Her glare shut him up.

“I – I am not sure” he said. “I have never been inside my own mind before.”

“Yes you have. You are always inside your own mind. That’s how it works.”

“But I mean like this! I wish I had my guide with me...”

“Concentrate!” she urged him. “Now!”

He raised his hands. “I was just saying…”

“We don’t have time for that. We need to move, and now!”

He looked at her, then, and she understood that underneath it all, Twoflower knew what was going on and was terrified. And not the good kind of terrified – the fear that Granny herself used to install in people so they would do what they needed to do – no, the laming kind. “We can get out of here” she said quietly. “But we have to do something now. We have to find the Queen.”

“She’s really a Queen?”

“It’s what they like to call themselves.”

He nodded. “I – I think –“ he raised his hand and pointed in a direction. I don’t know how I know, though.”

“It’s fine not to know how, from time to time. Right now the important thing is to act”.

And they moved.

**Vinchen – Outside The Palace**

Rincewind was decidedly not having a good time. But then, that was what could usually be said when he tried to have any time at all, so there was no point in dwelling on it.

“Don’t look like that, you know the words, everything is going to be alright” Howl assured him while skipping away.

“Then why did you tell everyone to get away?” he called out but didn’t receive an answer.

He sighed. Time to do some magic.

* * *

As it turned out, Howl had been very right in not allowing people anywhere near the door while Rincewind dealt with it. He would have liked to be one of these people as well, however.

Mostly because he had never been the biggest fan of exploding doors.

Rincewind sat up and blinked, half-expecting that he would be meeting a certain skeleton, but instead Howl was grinning down at him. “You did it!”

“You could have warned me.”

“You wouldn’t have done it, then” he replied, proving that he understood him better than Rincewind had thought. “And nothing happened, did it?”

“No, I was just thrown through the air” Rincewind said. “I was relieved that it was noiseless, though.”

That had been magic, of course. At least they hadn’t alerted anyone of their plan. 

“See? Let’s go!”

* * *

Howl looked appropriately dashing as he led them through the broken door. Everyone looked around.

“So what is your plan?” he whispered so no one else would hear, hoping against hope that this time, Howl actually had one.

“We’ll see” was the answer.

That sounded like him.

**Someplace Else**

Granny had often Borrowed, mostly from animals, and she knew the dangers involved. At home, she normally could count on Gytha to regularly check up on her; and there were a few others she trusted due to their long acquaintance. There was no witch in here with her though except for Sophie, and she was busy.

At least she had Twoflower with her to remind her that she wasn’t him.

Then again, she doubted she could ever have considered his blind optimism as part of herself.

“So this is my mind? I have to say, it is very interesting. I never knew this was possible, otherwise I would have done it sooner… Rincewind would have enjoyed this… he is a great adventurer, you know…”

Granny decided to let him prattle on. It would be almost impossible to sneak up on the Queen anyway, and they had to deal with her one way or the other. Eventually, as they made their way through the mist, she interrupted him with, “Now this is what you have to do. And don’t give me any excuses; I won’t allow them.”

If she had had any respect for any gods, she would have thought that it was a miracle that he actually listened.

Maybe he felt that this was unnatural, deep down. After all, if she had learned one thing from flowing around his mind, it was that Twoflowers instincts were all natural, maybe _too_ natural. “This is your mind” she continued, “And she has no place to be here.”

“Wouldn’t that mean you don’t have –“

“Someone insisted on dreaming” she glared at him, “And I had to do something about that, didn’t I? Now, you have to tell her to get out. Sophie will have made sure that the others can’t come in; we only have to send her back and then hopefully we’ll have some peace and quite for once.”

“How do I do it, then?” Twoflower asked.

“Like I said, you have to let her know that this doesn’t work.”

“Is it something to do with magic?”

“Yes” she agreed, although knowing better. Magic, real magic, was something else entirely; but he was a man, someone who believed that wizards could have helped them and worst of all, an _optimist_ , so he would never understand.

He nodded. “That makes sense.”

Which should have been his first clue that it wasn’t true.

Granny sighed. She supposed it was better than nothing.

**In the palace**

So here they were in another maze. Rincewind wasn’t surprised. He wanted to ask, but knew better than to assume Howl had a plan at this point.

“Like I said, I used to work in the kitchen” Vinchera declared, “I know where the guards’ room is.”

“And they would not happen to be armed, would it?” Rincewind asked.

“Of course.”

“And they are dangerous?”

“Yes.”

“And we have nothing” he said.

“We have two wizards!” Vinardo exclaimed. “You opened the door!”

“I did, didn’t I” he said resignedly as he tried to ignore Howl’s grin.


	26. In Which The People Of Vinchen Properly Rebell

**Vinchen – The Throne Room In The Palace**

”Would you please step away from the Queen?” he asked pleasantly, so very pleasantly. Sophie glanced at Calcifer. “Don’t even think about it. I might not shoot you, but I could harm your friend here.” And he pointed the crossbow at Twoflower’s prostate body.

“But you would harm her!” Sophie tried. He shook his head.

“I wouldn’t. Something like this can’t harm her. I had it made out of silver, you know – not iron.”

And indeed, it glistened and gleamed in the light that was slowly making its way across the disc. Sophie hadn’t realized until now that dawn had broken[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)“You see? It will harm him, probably kill him, but why should I care about that?”

“You can’t just go around shooting people!”

“I can. And once the Queen has woken up and we have ordered the world to our enjoyment…”

“You really believe she is going to listen to you?” Sophie figured she might as well try and reason with him. Granted, he was probably insane; but even insane people had a logic of their own. She should know. She met enough of them ever since she had married Howl.

“Oh no” he said, but the spark of hope was put out the next moment when he continued “I am going to listen to her; and then I will do what I want anyway. They don’t quite get humans, you see. That’s why they need us to let them in.”

“And that’s why you locked in the entire city?”

“What? No, the Wall has been there for generations. I just kept the status quo while working on changing it at the same time.” He grinned. His eyes seemed curiously empty – although of reason or humanity, Sophie couldn’t say.

“But it’s wrong” she insisted.

He tilted his head to the side. “Wrong?”

And with a shudder, Sophie understood that he had gone so far, he had no idea what was right and what was wrong anymore. Maybe the Queen had influenced him, maybe he had been born this way; but this man would not hesitate to do anything to reach his goal. It didn’t matter that his goal was wrong. It didn’t matter that people would come to harm. It didn’t matter that he was going to destroy the world. All that mattered was him and his power.

They had to do something, and quickly.

And then all hell broke loose.

The one moment, they were still standing in the throne room, staring at one another; the next, something broke out not far away.

Sophie heard screams and yells and most of all, curses, and knew.

“What –“ the man didn’t take his eyes off Twoflower but appeared confused.

“Does this sound to you” she asked Calcifer, “like unbridled chaos, created by someone who probably doesn’t know what he’s doing and kind of hopes for the best while, despite his cowardice, he is desperately trying to find us?”

“Now that you ask, that’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Then, with one breath, they said, “Howl.”

**Vinchen – Somewhere Else In The Palace**

Howl, Rincewind decided, had definitely had a plan going on, which made it all the more worrying that he suddenly started sorting the people into groups so that the fittest were paired with the weakest, apparently to give them all a good chance at survival.

Not that Rincewind trusted anyone to keep him safe. He would do the same he always did and run away. He was good at _running from_. He was still contemplating writing a book about it – when he had the time and wasn’t running, so probably never.

“What –“ But Howl had once more struck a dramatic pose and seemed to recite something from memory.

“We shall fight the evil guards in the kitchens” he declared “We shall fight them in the hallways, we shall fight them –“

“Excuse me, do you have a permission to be here?”

They turned around and found the guards.

All of the former prisoners gasped, but even to Rincewind, they didn’t look that dangerous. They carried weapons, but that was a much too common occurrence around him to really bother him.

“I am sorry?” Howl eventually asked.

“Do you have a written permission to be here?” the guard repeated, looking rather worried. “And – wait – don’t I know you?” he asked one of the older captives.

Vinardo beamed. “You usually bring me my dinner. Well, used to. We are not prisoners anymore; we are rebels now.”

His voice trembled slightly, but it seemed that Howl’s magic – or whatever Rincewind was supposed to call it – held because the other prisoners nodded.

“But –“ the guard who seemed to be in charge turned to the others. “Is there even a protocol for a thing like that?”

“The would need one, wouldn’t they, Captain?” one of the young ones ventured forth.

“That’s why I don’t understand why there isn’t one” the apparent captain said.

“Maybe there is and we don’t know about it. After all there are so many… maybe it’s new.” He turned to Howl, Rincewind and the others. “Have you heard about it just now and have decided to take advantage of it?”

“Actually” Vinchessa, who Rincewind was coming to see more and more as the one person with sense around, “We don’t know either. We decided to rebel without any paperwork.”

Now it was the guards’ turn to gasp. “But you can’t just do that!

“Can’t I now?” she asked, staring right into the captain’s eyes.

“No you can’t.” And that was apparently all he believed he needed to say – he seemed to be waiting for something.

When nothing happened, he swallowed, his face slowly morphing into an expression that Rincewind knew very well indeed. He began looking down the corridors.

“Any idea what’s going on?” Howl asked under his breath.

“No, and I have made the decision that in this case –“

“Yes?” the captain eventually asked, his grip on his lance tightening.

Vinchessa didn’t seem to be too concerned. “You heard me.”

“But…” one of the younger guards eventually said, “You didn’t stop rebelling –“

“That’s right I didn’t.”

Yes, running away seemed like a better and better idea. Rincewind decided the corridor to his right looked more promising, if only because –

“And if we tried to put you in the dungeons, you wouldn’t go?”

“No” she happily answered, looking rather proud.

Rincewid didn’t quite understand what was going on, but it seemed to him like a Very Important Thing, and he had always made a rule to keep away from Very Important Things.

The problem was that they tended to take place next to him whether he liked it or not.

“So you are saying…”

“I am saying damn the First Adviser and the dungeons and the emperor _if_ he’s still around!” she beamed.

“Mum!”

“There is a time and a place for everything” she told her daughter almost gently, “And I have decided to finally take a stand. All these years, always the worries, always the fear –“

Yes, most definitely a Very Important Thing. A Very Important Thing that Rincewind wanted no part in.

“Listen to me, lady –“

“I am not a lady, and I won’t tell you my name.”

“You can’t –“

“What are you going to do? Arrest me by force?”

It was the wrong thing to say of course because the captain recalled that he could, in fact, do just that. “You should all be in prison” he pointed out. “Guards, they are under arrest!”

The assembled guards breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, they knew what to do. They moved as one.

And that was when Howl decided to act.

He jumped in front of them and exclaimed, “Now, listen to me!”

He sounded commanding enough that the guards stopped.

“I know that there is a bit of confusion right now, but that doesn’t mean we should act like barbarians. Let’s talk about that.”

“But –“ one of the younger guards began “Captain, that’s not what the they usually say.”

“Well” the captain answered, looking indeed rather confused, “We are rather in a hurry and since we are about to – I mean there is a certain – we know how this is supposed to go –“

“Not today!” Howl told them. “You see I am not from, this world, so the rules don’t apply to me.”

He failed to see how this was in any way an excuse, but the guards were suitably impressed.

“So” Howl continued, “We are going to go past you now.”

“But –“

The guards stared, then decided they had to act.

And then all hell broke loose.

So he did what he always did. He dived into the nearest corner and tried his best no to see anything.

Sadly, he had never had much talent for it.

Howl was currently extolling the virtues of having a system where people were not required to be put in the dungeon or being executed on a regular basis, and the people, while still a little bit wary of change, where enthusiastically agreeing, some of the guards seemed to agree too, which led the captain to start screaming. Now, screaming Rincewind was used to; but he would still have preferred it if this hadn’t led to several other people starting to yell as well.

This was going to be a disaster.

* * *

**Vinchen – In The Throne Room**

“What does this Howl hope to achieve?” the First Adviser asked, still pointing the gun at Twfolower’s body.

“Chaos. Anarchy. The usual” Sophie replied matter-of-factly. “After all, she knew her husband rather well.

She was pretty sure Calcifer agreed as well.

“But what does he think –“

“He usually doesn’t while he’s on the move” Sophie said. “And you better go and deal with him unless you want your whole kingdom to end up like this.”

The screaming intensified. He was clearly confused; but she soon realized that he was going to act. “I think” he said carefully, “That it’d be better if I just –“ Suddenly he jumped and screamed. Calcifer had used their talk to sneak up on him and set his clothes on fire once more. Granted, it was not the most sophisticated of plans, but so far, it had usually worked.

He started jumping up and down trying to put out the flames.

“Can you carry him?” Calcifer asked Sophie.

“I have to” she said, resignedly. She then grabbed Twoflower and they made for the door.

* * *

Rincewind was doing his best to dodge and hide but he wasn’t succeeding. Normally though, he didn’t so that wasn’t a big thing. What was was the fact that the guards were still carrying their swords and lances and growing more and more nervous. Apparently, they were not used to thinking for themselves, which Rincewind normally found rather useful. Unless people carried swords and were told to arrest him.

Or someone he was with.

And sadly, everyone knew he was with Howl.

He should have left him in Klatch.

“Now” the captain shouted, grabbing Rincewind’s shoulder, “You are going to come with me and we are going to arrest you –“

“We are never going back to the dungeons again!” Vinchessa declared proudly.

It was the wrong thing to say – for the captain. The captain immediately decided that she should be arrested instead, then realised he didn’t know who he should arrest first, then became aware that he didn’t know anything at all, and then started yelling again as the rest of the guards were given a thorough trashing by the former prisoners. At least he’d forgotten about Rincewind for the time being.

“And?” Vinchessa asked as they huddled close in a corner. “Are you having fun?”

“Do I look like I am having fun?” he asked

“You’re a wizard, you are supposed to always be at the front lines, aren’t you?”

He gave her an unimpressed look.

It was then that someone stormed into the corridor.

[*]It has to be stated that this was not surprising since dawn hadn’t so much broken as it was still breaking. Light travels slowly across the disc, so that an early sunrise doesn’t always mean the earliest of days.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)


	27. In Which There Is A Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty sure you've been waiting for this, my friends. Enjoy!

**Someplace Else**

Fog. Fog everywhere. That was the problem with people’s minds; there were so many bits and pieces that wouldn’t leave them in peace unless they buried them, and then you ended up with layers upon layers.

Granny knew well enough that deep down, her own mind would have looked quite the same, but the depth on which the fog set in would have been quite a different one.

“I just don’t understand why they want to take over” Twoflower mused. “I mean, they do have Fairyland, don’t they?”

She could have asked him not to use the name, but the child, as Gytha would have said, had already been dropped into the bath.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

She also could have ignored him, written off his question as stupid and irrelevant, but she was coming to realize that Twoflower wasn’t stupid – or at least not stupid because of stupidity.

No, Twoflower was that rarest of all creatures – not only _fundamentally_ good but _actually acting like it_. His problem was at the same time his greatest strength – he simply couldn’t imagine someone wanting to hurt others, no matter how many times he got hurt himself. He hadn’t even flinched at being thrown into a dungeon.

People like that, Granny knew, needed to be protected, for the world needed them, to remember what goodness was to begin with, just like the world needed vampires to remind itself how to fight them.

The Queen had targeted him specifically, of course. They knew how to cater to humans, to make them promise and dream and hope and never remember what they actually were like…

She could feel herself tiring. She wasn’t as young as she had been, once upon a time; but she couldn’t think of anyone yet ready to take on the queen by themselves.

_Well, except for one, who already did it, but she hasn’t learned enough yet, she’s still so very young…_

“Yes they do” she finally answered. “But they have always been greedy. There are those who want something just because it’s there, and that’s them.”

Twoflower fell silent for a moment, then sadly said, “They were nice dreams.”

“They always are” she said, remembering that time those foolish _actors_ had gotten drunk and fallen asleep next to a doorway. “That’s how they gain entry.”

“When we find the Queen, what do we do?”

Granny was always loathe to admit when she didn’t know something so she replied, “We throw her out.”

“You said it was my mind… but permit me to say, Mistress Weatherwax, that since she seemed to have taken over without any problem…”

“I know. But she’s proud. And that’s her downfall.”

“But aren’t you proud of your abilities too?” he asked so guilelessly that she begrudgingly had to accept he hadn’t meant it as an insult.

“I just hope” she muttered “That the others can keep control of whatever is happening out there for as long as it takes.”

**Vinchen – In The Palace**

While a man in flames frantically hopping along a corridor was not a sight that normally raised hearts, Howl immediately felt himself relax.

This could mean only one thing.

Calcifer was around, and there was every reason to believe that, where he was, there was Sophie, too.

He grinned and called out to Rincewind, “Seems like our dear fire demon’s been around!”

Rincewind, always focused on the negatives, called back “He’s on fire!”

“That’s what I meant about fire demon!”

But Rincewind had already dived away seeing as one of the older men had engaged a guard in battle with the cane he had before used to steady himself while walking, to the obvious admiration of the former cook Vinchera, proving once more that faint heart never won fair maiden.

Howl shook his head at his companion and concentrated on the hopping man, who had by now managed to put out the flames. “Excuse me, my good sir” he said loudly, since the battle behind him was still going strong and producing quite a bit of noise, “But you wouldn’t happen to have seen a very beautiful woman who always speaks her mind and a…”

He raised his head and Howl swallowed, only barely fighting the urge to take a few steps back when he saw the expression in his eyes.

They were most definitely in trouble.

* * *

The disadvantage of not only falling into another world, but also carrying an unconscious person around while trying to escape someone who was Mad, Sophie reflected, was that one didn’t quite know where to go. “Any idea where we are?”

“Near the cells, I think” Calcifer answered. “It’s probably good that he’s not awake, then”.

“Check up on Granny” Sophie decided. “I’ll try and find Howl.”

“And…”

“We can’t risk the Lady getting back the control of Twoflower’s body next to her. I’ll take him with me.”

Easier said than done, but that was what magic was for.

“Now, you’ll be much lighter than you usually are” she muttered, picking him up “Or at least it’ll feel this way. I will have no trouble carrying you at all…”

* * *

Here was the thing: For all his judgement on Howl not being a proper coward, Rincewind had to admit that he had the right instincts, most of the time.

And so, when he saw the other wizard stiffen, the alarm bells started ringing in his head.

And then he was moving, although it took his mind a few seconds to realize he was actually moving through the ongoing scuffle and towards Howl, rather than away from it all, and when had he decided to do that?[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) He very much wanted to get out of here, but, well…

He couldn’t just leave Howl to face all of this alone. He had sort of promised him that he’d help him find his wife, and Rincewind usually kept his promises, if only for fear what would happen if he didn’t. The gods had it in for him, after all.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

The nearer he came, the more RIncewind wanted to simply turn around and flee.

Because he was a wizard, and wizard saw things as they were.

And looking at the man who was still smoking a little, he knew that he knew that he was insane. Bonkers. Madder than a march hare.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

This was not good.

“Howl?” he hissed. “Who is that?”

“No idea” he mumbled. “I was about to ask him about Sophie and Calcifer when I realized…”

Rincewind nodded because it was obvious what he had realized. “So” he surprised himself once more by asking, “What do we do now?”

Even in such a situation as that, Howl couldn’t help but triumph a little, it seemed. “Ah. Having gotten a taste of heroism, have we?”

“No, but there’s a madman in front of us and I don’t know about you but I am reading murder in his eyes!”

And indeed he was walking towards them now with a grin on his face. “Oh yes” he was mumbling to himself, “Everything will be so much better, so much neater. They will see to that; I just need the Queen’s power, just for a little while... Too bad these two won’t be there to see it…”

“Does he even know we can hear him?” Rincewind asked.

“Probably not; he most likely was always tethering on the edge to complete and utter instability, and meeting Sophie pushed him over. That can happen.”

“Is there any chance” Rincewind continued without acknowledging the comment as he stared at the hands of the man, which at this point were almost bent to look like claws, “That this makes him less dangerous than he looks?”

“I am rather afraid that the opposite might be the case.”

“Isn’t it always” he sighed. “Fine, so we maybe should…”

But, as had so often been the case and undoubtedly would be the case again – if he survived this, of course – Rincewind wasn’t going to be allowed to finish explaining.

Because at this moment, a woman rushed in the corridor.

She was not particularly beautiful, at least not very striking, if you asked Rincewind; however, there was a vitality, a certain air about her that not only immediately rendered her unforgettable, but also made him sure that he was looking at Sophie even before she’d called out “Howl!”

“Sophie!” he shouted and simply streaked past the man.

Sophie, meanwhile, simply dropped what she was carrying.

That something turned out to be someone.

Someone who Rincewind knew, could even claim to know very well, or at least better than he would have liked at some point.

Howl and Sophie all but fell into each other’s arms in a display of affection that Rincewind felt should perhaps have been a bit less enthusiastic, at least in public.

As it turned out, not being noticed or cared about put some sense back into the crazy man, and he turned to look at Rincewind with wide eyes. “What are they doing?”

He actually contemplated answering as he continued, hissing “Doesn’t matter they’ll all be dead soon anyway” and then, to Rincewind’s great relief, sprinting away, having leaped to the conclusion that something else ought to be done, apparently.

Rincewind would have welcomed it, only he knew all too well that this meant bad luck was around the corner.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote5%E2%80%9D)

And so, he simply sighed, ducked as another lance was thrown against the wall, the guards haven quickly proven that they were indeed not well-trained at all, and made his way to where Twoflower was lying, since Howl and Sophie were still busy… reconnecting.

He leaned down and shook his shoulder. “Twoflower? It’s me.” When he didn’t react, he clarified, “Rincewind.”

“Yes” Sophie interrupted him “About that.”

* * *

The moment she had finally seen Howl, Sophie had admittedly forgotten about everything else; at least her husband’s slightly dazed expression told her that he’d not been aware of their surroundings either.

He now stood up to his full height and declared, “Sophie, this is Rincewind, who has been a useful assistant to me during my travels to find you –“

“Means he did most of the work, then” she interrupted him, then leaned down to have a proper look at the – _wizzard_? “Hello, I’m Sophie.”

He nodded at her. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Sorry this might surprise but we don’t have the time to explain… there are currently three people inside his head, one is Twoflower, one is a witch and the last is the Queen of the fai – Lords and Ladies.”

A pause.

“You don’t look surprised” she said, baffled herself.

“If I were surprised about something like this” he sighed “I wouldn’t have time to panic”.

It was at this moment that Sophie became acutely aware of the fight that seemed to be slowly winding down; she wasn’t quite sure who was on whose side, but certainly, Howl and Rincewind would be able to tell her – later, after she’d dealt with it; for, deciding that they had quite enough to deal with, what with a First Advisor and the Fairy Queen, she marched up to the nearest couple fighting and exclaimed “What’s that then?”

She pretended not to hear Howl say quietly to Rincewind “And now you’ll see how the fight breaks down in about five seconds.”

[*]According to Granny, several of Gytha’s grandchildren would have profited from doing so on a more regular basis.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]He hadn’t. It was that underlying decency that has already been explained.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As has been shown, this wasn’t quite correct. The gods like a good game, that is all, and right now, most of them were still having a wonderful time – except for Fate, that is, but we can consider that restoring the cosmic balance.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Since he was used to being proved wrong, it would not have surprised Rincewind in the slightest to learn that, on the Disc, every single march hare was utterly and completely sane, so sane in fact, that they could be argued to be crazy after all.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Just out of respect for the Lady, it should at this point be pointed out that there is nothing fundamentally good or fundamentally bad about her; she just is.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return5%E2%80%9D)


	28. In Which The Heroes Move The Story Along

**Vinchen – The Palace**

“So you see, it’s idiotic to fight your own people, especially for an emperor who has been dead for years!”

The guards didn’t even ask how Sophie knew. After her… summarizing of the situation, they quietly laid down all their weapons and fled.

“And think about what you want to do with your life!” she called after them.

Vinchessa was duly impressed. “That was… amazing.”

Sophie waved a hand in the air. “It’s headology, as Granny would call it.”

Howl was beginning to wonder if he actually wanted to meet this Granny Weatherwax; she had featured more than once in Sophie’s speech.

“So, what now?” Vinchessa asked, her daughter moving closer to her.

Sophie smiled at them, obviously pleased that someone was ready to do _something_. “I don’t think the guards will be a problem anymore” – quite an understatement, if you asked Howl – “But there’s a skeleton in the throne room that needs to be dealt with. The rest is a magical problem”.

Of course it was. Sophie had grown up in Ingary, and understood the importance of stories; and right now, everything was rushing towards the climax, with the heroes – them – ready to fight and win.

Only Howl had no idea how to fight a Queen of the Fairies, as it had turned out they had to.

Oh well. He would do something very heroic and brave, no doubt about it, and then…

Well, then Sophie would probably come up with something. That seemed to be how things worked, these days.

God, how he loved her.

Rincewind, meanwhile, was studying – Twoflower? – with an expression that Howl knew only too well. Reluctant caring.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?”

Sophie shot Howl a look that clearly stated this was the first thing anyone should ask in this situation, and that so far, he had failed to do so when really, was it his fault that he had focused on recovering the love of his life after their awful period of separation?

“He should be, if Granny and – well, Twoflower can handle the Queen. And I have no doubt of it” she said with a look on her face that, at least to Howl, spoke volumes – she clearly did have doubts but wasn’t about to disclose them to someone she regarded as Twoflower’s friend.

Then, she brightened up. “Can you do anything?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Twoflower said that you were a powerful wizard…” They exchanged a glance that Howl couldn’t understand. Sophie sighed. “I know.”

He nodded, then looked back at Twoflower. “I wonder –“

“Well” Sophie decided “With Calcifer guarding Granny, and me having made sure the equipment in the other room is of no use, we should be dealing with that madman.”

“Sorry, light of my life” Howl said slowly “But have you seen him? He is rather dangerous, I am afraid.”

Sophie turned around, her eyes ablaze, and he knew there was nothing for it but to go and actually beat the insane man who he had quite frankly been glad to watch flee.

He sighed. What wouldn’t he do for this woman? “Alright. What do you think –“

But an angry scream reverberated through the palace and Sophie said, “Ah. He noticed. Better deal with him, then.” She turned to Vinchessa.

“Vinchessa, could you look after our friend here?” she pointed at Twoflower. “We have to… take care of things.”

She nodded. “Of course. May the gods be with you.”

Sophie nodded back at her, then swept down and grabbed at Rincewind, who naturally immediately started to protest. “But I can –“

“You’ve made it this far with Howl, you have to see it through to the end.”

He had indeed, Howl well knew; stories existed for a reason.

It seemed that Rincewind had rather quickly come to understand his wife, for he sighed and got up. “Fine. What are we going to do?”

* * *

It wasn’t difficult to find the man. He was busy breaking every single apparatus in the alchemists’ chamber, it seemed, since the noises were loud and clear.

It was then that she realized they had completely forgotten about the alchemists, and quickly explained to her husband in a few hurried words what had been going on.

“So they were playing around with different worlds” he shook his head disapprovingly, despite having done the same as a simple student. “Dangerous, that. Should we try to find them?”

“I don’t think they’ll be of much use. I mean, it wasn’t as if they did much to begin with.”

“Well, they did create the door, so I would say that they were successful in their endeavours –“

Of course that was what he would focus on. She glared at Howl. “That’s not what I meant – I know they were kidnapped and probably felt they didn’t have a choice, but still – they didn’t even protest when that maniac demanded they bring the Lords and Ladies here!”

Wisely, he chose to say nothing. Rincewind had looked on with a scowl on his face but was still following them, so she demanded of him, “Or do alchemists normally simply do as they’re told?”

“Don’t have much contact with them at the university. Mostly they blow things up. Noisily.”

Really, there you had the solution, then. They should have kept exploding things until the First Adviser had had enough and gave up, or had them executed. Anything was better than putting entire worlds in danger.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

It was her husband who interrupted her thoughts. “So” Howl asked “What’s the plan?”

“We deal with him.”

“Sophie, might I suggest that this is not much of a –“

“Because your plans always work out!”

“I do tend to –“

“You gave your heart to a fire demon because he asked!”

“And it did work out in the end!”

“Because –“

“Excuse me” Rincewind interrupted them, “But I still think we should probably –“

More crashes and shouting.

“He’s probably trying to contact the Queen; seems like she’d been talking to him for a while” Sophie said.

“Are we sure the others have everything under control?”

She looked at Howl and took a deep breath, knowing this would be enough for him to guess the truth before lying, “Of course.”

**Someplace Else**

Normally, not finding the Queen would have been a good thing – really, far away from the Lords and Ladies was a good place to be; but Granny couldn’t help but wonder.

Yes, there was a chance that she was hiding because they had already managed to weaken her, but she might as well be waiting for them to let their guard down.

In that case running after her might not be the best option they had. And if they wanted to get out of here after ridding the world of the Queen once more…

But then, minds had their own defences, didn’t they? Otherwise people would just despair all the time.

And looking at Twoflower…

“What do you think of when you’re sad?”

“I beg your pardon, my good lady?”

She decided to tell him what she thought of that particular address later, when they were back in the real[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) _world. “Everyone has something. Something to get through hard times. What’s yours?”_

__

Twoflower looked wistful for a second and she knew what he was about to say but interrupted him as gently as he could with “We’re looking for complete happiness here, a safeguard, I’m afraid”.

__

Granted, his love and grief for his wife had repelled the Queen once, but it was never a good idea to use the same tactic twice, especially when it came to the Lords and Ladies.

__

Twoflower looked puzzled, then said, “I suppose there’s home, and the girls.”

__

“Good. Means you feel safest there. Try to find it. This is your mind, and your home. Let’s go.”

__

She followed him, keeping a careful eye on the fog around. Sometimes it was almost impenetrable, but from time to time she caught glimpses of – undoubtedly memories and dreams and anything in-between.

__

One time, Twoflower abruptly changed directions and when she squinted at where they were no longer headed, Granny realized she was looking at him holding two young girls in his arms. All of them were crying.

__

She didn’t have to ask, nor would she have considered it appropriate to do so. Some things had to be done, and they had to be done privately, and that was all there was to it.

__

“There” he suddenly said and pointed at the house that had appeared out of nowhere.

__

Granny didn’t even bat an eye.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D) “Let’s get in, then.”

__

The house was empty, to her relief – while she didn’t think representations of Twoflower’s daughters would have been in any way dangerous to them, they would have been more distractions, and they couldn’t afford that.

__

And then she had another idea. “Twoflower, I need you to listen very carefully, and do what I say.”

__

“Isn’t that what you normally expect from others?” he asked artlessly.

__

“This is a house, and houses have hallways.”

__

“Actually our home is too small for –“

__

“Houses have hallways” she insisted. “With lots of doors.”

__

She had to give him credit, she thought as his eyes widened in comprehension; he wasn’t stupid, at least. “You mean if I manage to make one appear, we could find the door the Queen used?”

__

She nodded. “And then we shut it down.”

__

She made it sound easier than it would probably be, but Twoflower was after all an optimist, and this was probably what he needed to hear at the moment.

__

“I’ll do my best.”

__

“That’s all anyone ever can do” she shrugged.

__

And so, she watched as he closed his eyes.

__

All in all, she would say they had the situation under control; however, she would have felt better if she’d known how Sophie and the others got on.

__

“I – I think I did it” Twoflower said finally, sounding a little unsure.

__

“Alright. Where?”

__

He pointed at a small door near the window.

__

Granny wrenched it open.

__

Yes, that was a hallway, and a long one at that.

__

“This doesn’t fit into my house” Twoflower said, sounding almost apologetic. “I tried but –“

__

“It doesn’t work here like it does out there”. Granny slowly turned on the spot as she studied the different doors of all shapes and sizes as well as the darkness on the other side of the hallway. “Remember this is your mind. We are looking for something – or maybe I should say someone – who doesn’t fit. Do you feel something strange?”

__

“I – ahm –“ Twoflower looked at her, his eyes wide behind his glasses. “I – this is all rather unusual –“

__

“Yes, but I meant what I said. The Queen doesn’t belong here. Try and concentrate!”

__

Thankfully, he did, then tentatively started in the direction of the darkness that kept receding the longer they walked.

__

“Yes, there’s something… I can’t tell if it’s the – if it’s her, though.”

__

“Might be, might not be, either way, we’ll see.”

__

In truth, Granny was rather hoping it would be the Queen. She could feel herself more and more tiring, and she might soon reach the point past where it would be difficult for her to return to her own body. She didn’t tell Twoflower though; she didn’t want to distract him.

__

Then, suddenly, “There!”

__

It was a glass door beset with jewels. _Of course. Flatter and dazzle and bedazzle. Like they always do._

__

It was then that they heard a voice.

__

Her voice.

__

Behind them.

__

“I have been waiting for you.”

_[*]Sophie conveniently forgot that, unlike her, most people would always choose their own personal safety over that of others.[ [return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Well, mostly real; Granny knew as well as any witch that all worlds have real bits and unreal bits, and some in-between bits.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As opposed to witches on the Roundworld, who are prone to flinch and mumble something about hurricanes whenever a house spontaneously shows up. It seems to be some kind of reflex.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)_


	29. In Which A Fire Demon Goes To Help A Witch, And Not His Own

**Vinchen – The Palace**

After returning to the witch to watch over her, he waited.

And then Calcifer felt it.

Something was Happening.

He couldn’t say what exactly – again, the annoyance of landing in a world the magic of which he wasn’t familiar with – but he knew that much.

He glanced at Mistress Weatherwax once more, but there was nothing to indicate her mind would be returning to her body soon. But she would have to, he was well aware of that fact. Mortal minds and bodies weren’t meant to be asunder for long.

He had to do something.

He wasn’t human. He never had been, and he never would be. While that meant there were certain things he’d never understand, it also made certain that he was capable of things humans were not; and so he took the equivalent of what would have been a deep breath if he’d been Sophie or (if he’d been able to be bothered to do something other than yell and run away) Howl and tried to find Granny’s mind.

**Someplace Else**

Granny turned around slowly. “Queen.”

The Queen smiled. “I knew you’d come here eventually”.

She’s trying to sell it as a trap, she realized. But all of that notwithstanding, they had weakened her. Twoflower’s feelings were strong and so very, very human – even now, Granny herself could feel remnants of his grief clawing at her.

But she – she had felt it before. She had loved, and lost, and grieved, because that was what had to be done when one was human; the Queen had never known these emotions, and therefore, was considerably more affected than her.

She had to use this to her advantage somehow.

If only she knew how.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“This” she said flatly, nodding towards the door “Has no business being here. You have no right to play with Twoflower’s mind.”

It wouldn’t do anything, she knew, but they needed time – or rather, she needed time to figure out how to proceed.

“I agree” Twoflower said quietly. “Those dreams… you lied”.

The Queen laughed, happily and pleasantly (but there was something different about it, wasn’t it? It wasn’t as self-assured as usual, Granny at least thought so; but then she couldn’t be sure, and she’d never been one to lie to herself) and said, “But of course. We needed a way in in case this fool failed, as it appears he has done.”

Now, Granny didn’t think very favourably of the First Adviser, being rather certain that he had indeed done away with the emperor; but neither did she think much of those who exploited vulnerable people.

And it seemed neither did Twoflower. “That man was arguably not of a sound mind! It was very unjust to –“

The Queen laughed again. “Unjust?” she repeated in the voice of someone who had never considered their actions in any such light. “What are those words you keep using? They mean nothing to me.”

No, they didn’t, as Granny well knew.

She was not a thing of this world; how could she ever understand?

And yet, she knew that not all strange beings were devoid of human feelings, whether they could truly comprehend them or not. Calcifer, the fire demon, for example; he might have been a ball that fell out of the sky and almost cost a man his life, but Granny had seen his loyalty to Sophie and this Howl, she supposed, and she knew there was good in him.

One of the scariest things she had ever learned about the Lords and Ladies was that, while they were not good, they weren’t bad either, really, at least not in a way anyone on the Disc would understand.

She glanced at Twoflower. He seemed to be doing alright, but she herself had no idea how long she had been outside of her body now. And should the Queen guess…

And then she saw it, right behind the Queen, a soft light slowly growing stronger as it advanced towards them.

She tried to warn Twoflower by glaring at him, but his face showed an impressively passive expression; undoubtedly, he too had understood the advantage of surprising the Queen.

Like Granny had suspected. Not stupid, just sometimes too decent underneath it all.

“It’s still not right, no matter what you think of it, and that’s why we’re here” she said firmly. “There will always be those who oppose you and your tricks. That’s why you can’t ever truly hold on in this world, or any other.”

“Strong words for an old hag who’s slowly weakening” the Queen laughed.

It was true; and, more than that, the Queen was growing stronger again.

And yet…

Granny looked at her, a Queen without her subjects, reduced to seduce a man via his dreams because the mad one she had been manipulating had failed, weakened by emotions she would never feel, and she found it in her heart to pity her.

“You don’t deserve this world. I’m not sure you deserve any world” she said slowly. “And that’s a terrible thing to have to say.”

“I’m sure your precious pity will greatly benefit me” she hissed, for once showing her true colours.

She had wounded her, and that made her feel even sadder.

Granny was old, and wary, but she as that way because she had lived, actually lived, an actual life, something the Queen would never do; and as she stood next to one of the most human man she had ever met, she knew the Queen would lose this time, too.

“Things like you have to exist, Lady” she said, feeling rather morose, “If only to remind people why they need to protect themselves. But I wish they didn’t. I wish none of this was necessary, even as I understand why.”

The point of light had now grown considerably, and it wasn’t difficult to realize it was indeed Calcifer who was making his way towards them.

Granny was starting to fear that this would lead to chaos. Even a mind as sound (if naïve) as Twoflower’s wouldn’t be able to stand that many people running about in it.

Or floating, in the fire demon’s case.

“You have no help” she said. “Sophie and the others will have destroyed those wizards’ playthings by now. Your people have no way of coming here. You can leave, Lady; you should.”

She laughed, softly and lightly, a laughter like the tinkling of bells, welcoming and friendly.

How Granny loathed her; and how she, in turn, hated herself for it, just a little bit.

“ _Can? Should?_ How narrow-minded you humans are. Even my servant… in the end, I should have known better, but it was just so tempting to have him at my beck and call. He listened, you know.”

Yes, Granny did know, and as she listened, all of her worries about and anger at the mad man disappeared. Yes, he was dangerous; yes, he had tried to bring the Lords and Ladies back onto the Disc; but in the end, he had listened to Her because there was no one who had ever truly listened to him.

It didn’t excuse him ruining lives and killing the emperor; of course it did not. But as always, it filled her with something rather close like melancholy[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)to think that all of this could have been prevented if people would just look after one another a little more.

“I’m sure he did” she said courtly. After all, Twoflower had listened too, albeit in his own way – as a matter of fact, she was rather sure that was why the Queen had only managed to take control of his body, rather than use him to make her followers come through as well.

Good. They didn’t understand the _good_ because they also failed to understand the _bad_. Sometimes it was that easy.

Calcifer was coming closer and closer. Granny didn’t quite understand how magic worked I the world he had come from, or the one he had fallen down from, but she knew that he must be using a lot, if not all of his strength, to join them. It would be up to her and Twoflower to get them out of here.

She slowly shifted her weight and moved, so that she was no longer completely with her back to the door.

Thankfully, Twoflower had understood what was going on – or at least as much of it as he could – and was mirroring her movements.

Calcifer was probably not going to be able to set the Queen on fire, like he had done with the First Adviser; but certainly he could do something, just a little to distract her –

And distract her he did, although not in a way Granny had foreseen.

Suddenly, the Queen’s eyes blazed and she reeled around. “You!”

Of course. A fire demon, fallen from the sky in a different world, being thrown into another – the Queen would feel threatened or at least annoyed, at that.

At the very least, it was a good distraction.

So while Calcifer advanced, Granny thought quickly.

She turned to Twoflower. As long as part of him still believed that the Lords and Ladies were good, were what their own stories had made them, the Queen still had power in his mind. “Do you see now?” she asked.

She hoped he actually liked Calcifer, and that the Queen’s rage at him would be enough to finally make him see sense[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)“She needs to go” she said firmly.

He nodded. “She is terribly unpleasant.”

That was probably the worst he’d ever called someone else, Granny reflected; and she could be called something of a connoisseur, since Gytha had always been rather creative when it came to such things.

“What do I have to do?”

“I think we can safely say that she’s distracted at the moment” she said as the Queen flew towards Calcifer, who managed to dodge her. “We need to get her out the door.”

And then Twoflower would have to be the one to close it, but certainly he could? He had to.

Calcifer, she quickly realized, wasn’t able to do much. But he was still a flying ball of fire, and the Queen didn’t like it one bit.

She turned back to Twoflower and motioned circles with her fingers.

Luckily, he understood, and they started to slowly move in on the Queen from different directions. Calcifer tried to set her on fire, but of course that didn’t work as easily as it had with the First Adviser.

 _Come on,_ Granny thought. _I have felt his mind, I know he is decent. And she doesn’t understand the meaning of the word. It has to count for something; if the truly good are not meant to win, then what has all this been for?_

Just then, she caught Calcifer’s eyes. He winked at her.

Normally, Granny would not have liked the familiarity coming from a fire demon, but if he had a plan, even better.

Twoflower suddenly jumped at the Queen and grabbed her wrists.

She howled with rage, but thankfully couldn’t seem to throw him off.

_The good. The good win. Not always. But sometimes. And most definitely this time._

Granny looked at Calcifer again. He was burning a little less brightly than before. He must be doing something.

“Mistress Weatherwax!” Twoflower, who was slowly but surely dragging the Queen towards the door, called out.

She immediately went to help, doing her best to jostle the Queen along.

“You won’t win, Esme Weatherwax” she hissed and suddenly, there they were ago, so many different Granny Weatherwaxes in her mind, worrying about the grandchildren, helping cows to five birth, cooking for sick neighbours –

She grit her teeth and soldiered on.

Finally, they’d reached the door. “Miss –“

But Granny had already moved out of the way and Twoflower looked at the Queen.

Then – and she could see that he meant it – he said quietly and almost gently “I _am_ sorry” before shoving her threw and closing the door.

Granny took a deep breath.

Now they only had to hope that Sophie was dealing with things on the outside. 

[*]It was something she was loathe to admit, especially in the face of danger, but even with all her experience, Granny didn’t always know what to do. It was a sentiment Sophie would have whole-heartedly agreed with.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Not that she would have admitted as such. Things were put on this world to be dealt with.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]A feat that is actually quite impressive, and hasn’t been managed by many people in all sorts of worlds.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)


	30. In Which They Confront A Fanatic

**Vinchen – The Palace**

Alright. What they had to do was make sure that the man didn’t open any other doors to let the Lords and Ladies in; Granny and the others could deal with the Queen in the meantime, Sophie was absolutely sure of it.

And they were three, and Howl had said that Rincewind could use magic if he did it the right way, which wasn’t the way of the Disc, but really, Sophie had long ago stopped asking questions when it came to such rules[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D) “So what do you think?”

“We could… leave him to it?” the other wizard asked hopefully, but immediately backed down when Sophie glared at him, sighing, “I guess not.”

“Well, we need to stop him” Howl said.

“Yes” Rincewind said, sounding exasperated, “But really, what did you expect to do? Ask him kindly to stop?”

“I am not suggesting –“

But Sophie stopped listening because suddenly, she remembered his eyes, his mad eyes, and remembered that he had clearly been manipulated by the Lords and Ladies, probably for years, and felt something that she hadn’t expected.

Pity. “Maybe we _should_ try asking” she said.

* * *

Rincewind decided then and there that Howl and Sophie were not just suited because they ran headfirst into danger no questions asked, but also because they were apparently ready to try out the most ridiculous things if it even had the slightest chance at success.

That man was insane, as far as they knew, and they were still open to asking him to stop.

And there was no way he could…

Well, he supposed he could have tried to run.

But, as Sophie and Howl advanced towards the door, he realized with horror that he didn’t want to, not really, not as long as the others weren’t safe and Twoflower was the gods knew were.

_What had this couple done to him?_

* * *

The First Adviser – the man who had been the First Adviser before he did away with the emperor – was still busy smashing everything he could find and yelling rather incoherently, so they didn’t have much of a problem sneaking up on him.

The trouble was that Sophie knew very well that people like this sometimes developed immense strength, and that definitely seemed to be the case in his case.

“Excuse me?” she asked then hollered once more when he seemed not to hear her “EXCUSE ME?”

He turned around, his eses ablaze. “You! I would’ve – _everything_ would have been fine but for you!!!”

“I assure you it wouldn’t have been” she tried logic. “Look, what you were trying to do was incredibly dangerous –“

“Oh? So you think this is dangerous? Try growing up in this place, ruled by madman, knowing there is no way things could ever change, only to finally find one and work on it for years and then being right on the brink of creating something great but instead – instead –“ he broke off, suddenly looking a lot less menacing and more pathetic.

And even as Sophie was aware that could change, that she was looking at a murderer, she felt pity. “I’m sure it’s been hard” she said softly but firmly, in the way she used to when her sisters were small and she had had to look after them, “But that’s hardly a good reason for everything that’s been going on. You killed the emperor, and you had so many people executed –“

“I had to keep up appearances until everything was ready!”

Bizarrely, Sophie found herself wondering if the Lords and Ladies had done Vinchen a favour – not that they would have done so on purpose – when they had contacted the First Adviser. A man like that would probably have gotten rid of the emperor anyway; but by having to preserve the land before the new conquerors came, he’d probably done much less worse than he would have otherwise.

Not that this helped their current predicament.

“And what have you done to the equipment?”

So he’d guessed.

“Those things were dangerous” she told him, more sharply than before. “It’s hardly safe to open doors to other worlds. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

The knowledge didn’t seem to deter him from still trying to find anything that might help.

Howl, meanwhile, was whispering to Rincewind behind his back.

* * *

“You want me to do what?” Rincewind asked, his eyes wide. “I’ve never killed anything!”

“I don’t think it would necessarily kill him” Howl argued. “Probably mostly maim him. We need to stop this guy, so –“

“Have you ever heard the words _excessive force_?”

“Yes, but I’ve never understood their meaning.”

Trouble was, neither did Rincewind, but he was at least aware from experience that they were only rarely followed by anything pleasant. Besides, the man looked as if they were only going to get one chance.

They could really have used this fire demon, really, but the gods knew where he was.

“So then, what do you suggest?” Howl asked, proving his fears that he would do so correct. “This is your world.”

“Yes, but I only rarely meet madman who want to take over the world” he snapped. That, at least, was true; most madman he had met had wanted something else.

“Really`? What a strange world… Fine. Still doesn’t solve our problem though.”

“Your wife seems to have him under control for now” he pointed out correctly.

“Yes, well, when Sophie decides on a course of action … I’m not surprised. But we can’t just leave it all to her, she can’t keep this up forever.”

Privately, looking at her, Rincewind was inclined to disagree, but didn’t say so.

He looked around. There was clearly enough heavy machinery around. “How about a good old knock on the head?” he asked, knowing he sounded a lot like the Arch Chancellor right now, but then, he usually was successful when it came to think like that.

“That could work but we need to sneak up on him first.”

Sophie was still berating the man, which struck Rincewind as rather dangerous, but so was running around with her and Howl, so he felt he sadly had no right to judge.

Not that howl would have listened to him anyway.

“Good, here’s the plan…”

Rincewind braced himself.

It was about as reckless as he had come to expect when it came to the wizard.

* * *

This was going nowhere. Granny had been right; this man was a fanatic, and as she had so rightfully pointed out, fanatics didn’t allow themselves to doubt for fear what it would mean.

Still, she had to keep distracting him so Howl could come up with something, or perhaps that strange wizard would. Who knew? Sadly, she felt certain she couldn’t use her own powers on him; she’d already done so way too often and was exhausted.

“But why was the emperor so bad to begin with? You ordered executions too…”

“But with order. I always took care never to order too many or too little during any given week…”

She shook her head because she had to. At least the Witch of the Waste had simply been evil; power-hungry, repulsive and mean, but not a fanatic, not so certain that she was right simply because she had to be, otherwise the doubts would come…

She could see Howl and Rincewind starting to creep up behind him.

Good.

**Someplace else**

Granny took a deep breath. Fine. That was dealt with, then. “We need to get out of here”. She looked at the fire demon. “What about you, Calcifer?”

It was the first time she had used his name, but if he noticed, he was wise enough not to say anything. Well, most demons she’d met had had something that could have been called a brain in a human skull.

“I think I can return to the palace” he said carefully. “I came here, didn’t I?”

She nodded; normally, with magic, there way a way back as well as a way somewhere else; not always, but still… this time, it felt right to assume that they’d soon each other again.

“What about me, my good lady?” Twoflower piped up, and Granny couldn’t bring herself to even feel slightly put out by said address this time. “I am very thankful, don’t get me wrong, but I would rather…”

“Don’t worry, you’ll wake up on your own” she assured him, although she couldn’t know for certain[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) “And I’ll have to get back, of course.”

She knew she’d already been inside someone else’s head for too long; her strength, much as he didn’t want to admit it, wasn’t was it once had been, and it was simply easier to borrow from an animal for a while – simpler minds, more relaxing, although that brought its own dangers. “I’ll see you soon” she said firmly, and slowly and laboriously began to make her way back as everything faded around her.

**Vinchen – Elsewhere in the Palace**

Calcifer had made it back the same way he had made it there – in other words, rather unsure how and a little confused and drained; but if he was right, if he remembered what had happened correctl, then they had banned the Queen, at least for the time being, and that was all they could ask for, really.

But he couldn’t be sure, of course, until both Granny and Twoflower woke up, and he would have waited with bated breath, had it been necessary for him to breathe; as it was, he consoled himself with hovering closely to them and trying to make out what was happening in the other parts of the castle.

Eventually, Twoflower stirred; it was probably not surprising that he was the first to do so, since Granny had quite a bit of wandering to do before she could end up back in her head.

He sat up and Calcifer readied himself to intervene in whatever way possible as he smiled pleasantly at him and said, “My, what an adventure! Mr. Calcifer, I trust you are not the worse for wear?”

He decided that it would be utterly useless to go on worrying about him.

Now it was Granny who took their attention; Twoflower, with a precision that rather surprised Calcifer, although it probably shouldn’t have, since he’d been able to throw the Queen out of his mind, began caring for her – making sur she lay as comfortable as she could, unsuccessfully hunting around for water and such like, occasionally checking that everything was still quiet at least in their immediate surroundings.

And then Granny suddenly took a deep shuddering breath and sat up in one swift motion, too swift for either of them to react properly.

“Mistress Weatherwax” Calcifer said carefully, “are you –“

“Oh thank you” she said brightly, “I am perfectly restored, I assure you. I am very sorry for having worried you.”

He stared at her.

She blinked, craned her neck, closed her eyes, craned her neck again, and finally opened her eyes once more. “Borrowing. Gets to you if you spent to much time in someone else’s head, be it animal or man. And now, let’s go; who knows what that man is up to. We need to do something.”

Now, that, sounded much more like her.

**Somewhere else in the Palace**

Howl and Rincewind were still advancing, and Sophie couldn’t tell if they were simply very slow or time was actually moving at a snail’s pace.

Even so, they probably wouldn’t have succeeded; the man, for all his faults, was smart and quick.

A new distraction quickly proved of higher importance, at least for the moment.

The door flew open.

Now, as Sophie herself would later claim, Granny, Calcifer and even Twoflower were a more than welcome addition.

The angry mob storming in behind them was rather a problem however.

[*]Not when it came to any other thing though, since she was of the firm belief that the more one knew, the better.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Granny had early in life earned that people didn’t like to deal in uncertainties. The surer one sounded, the better, especially when talking to children or sick people. They tended to listen, then.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)


	31. In Which There Is A Serious Discussion

**Vinchen – the Cells**

Granny Weatherwax had, much to Calcifer’s relief, indeed quickly gained back her usual cheery disposition, and was now ready to tackle on the First Adviser, who really wasn’t one anymore when you thought of it really, since he had killed the emperor after all, and he was rather sure that getting rid off one’s employer tended to sour relations.

He certainly didn’t mind her taking charge; if he had, he’d never have stayed with Sophie and Howl in the first place.

And so, exhausted as he was, he was content to drift behind her and Twoflower as the followed the sounds that, now that they had properly left the cells, were drifting over to them.

Sounded like –

Oh yes. A crowd, clamouring.

Granny immediately wandered over to Vinchessa, of course. “And? How it’s going?”

Granny was simply the kind of person, Calcifer had realized early on in their acquaintance, who couldn’t bear not to know precisely what was going on, and apparently that was doubly true in something like emergencies.

“We liberated ourselves!” Vinchessa declared proudly.

“Not so sure about that. Liberty takes a lot more than shouting and making people quiver with fear.”

“Oh, we’ve talked about that. There’s to be no more executions, and locking people up just to prove a point.”

Her daughter moved closer to her, and Calcifer couldn’t blame her. Humans; they were such social beings. It must have been hard for them to have been separated.

He after all had grown rather attached to Howl ands Sophie too, in his own way.

“That’s a good start” Granny said.

And things would probably have continued like this, if another crash coming from (as they were to find out) the room the Frist Adviser, Sophie, Howl and Rincewind were occupying hadn’t reminded the people in front of them that said Frist Adviser as still to be dealt with, and Granny, Rincewind and yes, Calcifer, who at this point no one seemed to be surprised to be seeing even though he’d thought these people didn’t meet fire demons every day[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

* * *

Well, Sophie thought, that could have gone better; now they would have to act quickly.

She caught Granny’s eyes and read her own thoughts in there – the options they had to deal with this.

On the one hand, they could simply have walked away. Quite frankly, there were many things this lunatic in front of her had had coming, and being torn apart by an angry mop was probably a much faster way to go out than he deserved.

On the other…

On the other.

They weren’t the kind of people who simply walked away. Sophie certainly wasn’t, Howl, although he tried to pretend that he was, wasn’t either; she felt equally sure about Calcifer and Twoflower and Granny[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

And then there was Rincewind.

From what Howl had been able to hurriedly tell her – and it hadn’t been much, there simply had been too much to do for them to really talk – the man was supposed o be a coward, exactly the sort of person who’d run.

But he’d come with them. They hadn’t dragged him along.

No, he wasn’t going to leave either[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

Yes, they would do what the always did and deal with this.

And so, she stepped right into the path of one of those she thought might listen to reason. “Vinchessa?”

She looked at her, her eyes ablaze. “You don’t know everything he’s done!”

“Murder, for one thing” she said simply, more feeling than seeing Granny stepping up to support her. “I know. I know you’ve suffered, and you’ve been scared, and right now, you’re very angry” she raised her voice to make sure very single one in the room could hear her, wondering what the First Adviser was up to, since she’d regrettably had to turn his back on him, but at least Howl and Rincewind were keeping an eye on him “And I get it. Sometimes I get angry too.” She could have sworn she could hear Howl snort behind her, and told herself she would deal with him later. “And it may seem just that you should punish him as a group. I know. But” she took a deep breath. “Here’s the thing. Spilling more blood is no good for creating a new…”

“Form of government!” Howl suddenly declared dramatically, having somehow stolen next to her. “You wish to build your new country on the ruins of the old one, but they shall not be…”

* * *

Aaaaaaaaand they had left him alone with the crazy man, Rincewind thought while he listened to Howl waxing poetry about justice and governments and whatnot, wondering if any of this made sense where he came from; maybe not, but on the other hand, a world with Megan in it…

At least the man he apparently had been tasked with keeping an eye on, mostly because no one else was bothering to do so, had withdrawn to a corner and was studying the mob with calculating eyes. Rincewind wondered if he’d ever been afraid in his life, and decided that no; he probably was too bad or too foolish for that, or both.

So then, what could they possibly hope to achieve with all of this…

* * *

Howl was in his element, talking and talking and imploring and cajoling and holding speeches; the trouble was that Sophie had no idea whether or not 9it would work out or not.

Better interrupt him. “Yes, thank you, Howl –“

“I am just trying to instil the spirit of justice in this fine people –“

“Yes, yes, great, big word and all that” Granny said with a scowl, “But when it comes down to actually doing something, they aren’t very helpful at all, are they.”

“I have to disagree with you there, ma’am, I have often found that a grand gesture at the right time…”

“Listen” Granny said loudly, the mob still being undecided, “I get it. Like Sophie said, you’ve been stomped on, and hit, and bruised, and now you’re out for blood. That’s normal. But guess what happens, usually – means more blood.”

“But he doesn’t have anyone” one of the people, a young man about thirty pointed out. “No one likes him. No one’ll come and try to avenge him.”

“Alright, so it won’t be personal. But do you really think, when word gets out that this is how things change around here, this is going to be the only time it happens? Men learn stuff like this and” Granny sniffed disapprovingly. “They remember. They always remember the wrong things. How to hit someone on the head till they stop moving, that sort of thing.”

Thankfully Granny Waterwax’s approach – it rather uncomfortably reminded Sophie of one of her first school teachers, who had been strict at the playground – seemed to be working somewhat better than Howl’s. She saw her husband try to open his mouth from the corner of her eye and stepped on his foot.

* * *

Alright, someone had some common sense around here. That was good to know.

Would’ve been nice if it could have been Rincewind himself – also known as leaving when he had the chance – but well, you couldn’t have –

“RIncewind!” Twoflower was grinning brightly. “I thought I’d come over here, keep you company.”

“Hello” he said rather helplessly[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

“I knew you wouldn’t be far!”

“Yes, there does seem to be a common theme” he said, staring at the man in the corner, who was slowly looking more and more like a ferocious animal in a cage.

“I have had the most extraordinary thing happen to me…”

“Yes, had to carry you around a bit there.”

“Oh, you did? How kind of you! But then, I always know that you’re out there trying to help people.”

Mostly trying to help people to put as much distance between me and them, he thought.

“Would you believe it, but I had a fa- a Queen of the Lords and Ladies in my head, and Mistress Weatherwax and Calcifer came in, and then we managed to get her out…”

It was something, he thought, Twoflower would consider an interesting anecdote rather than anything else. He shuddered at the very possibility of having a Queen invade his mind.

“Say, what do you suppose they’ll do with him? I gather he has been very unpleasant to the people of Vinchen” Twoflowwr said, his face falling for a moment as he added, “And I know whatso it like…”

Right, his wife, his daughters. “Well, I think we probably have to wait for those two to decide.”

“Sophie and Howl?”

Rincewind raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

As if anyone could have doubted who was in charge.

Sadly, this meant _everyone_ knew, and that, as he would quickly find out, wasn’t a good thing.

* * *

“He should pay” a man muttered towards Granny, obviously unsure whether or not it was worth it.

She nodded. “That easy, huh? He pays and everything just works out?”

“I – I don’t know.”

“You don’t know because that’s not how it works, trust me. I’ve seen a lot of kings and queens and others come and go, and violence is never a good way. Lock him up. Be honest to the people. You’ve all got a lot of work to do, you don’t want to have to clean up after someone like that, too.”

The people, Sophie had quickly realized, were not bad – like most people, really – but they were angry and nervous; however, they were also used to obey, and Granny was thankfully a strong, if not exactly comforting, presence.

“But…” the man actually dared to ask “If we let him live – won’t that be seen as weak?”

But Granny was shaking her head. “No. It’s only the bad who need mercy so bad it makes them look weak. When the good show mercy, it’s a sign times are changing.”

The people seemed to contemplate this.

Yes, things were going rather well.

And then they weren’t.

* * *

Rincewind had known, had seen that the man looked like a wild animal, and yet he had not run away. It was his own bloody fault[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote5%E2%80%9D)

No, he’d stood around with Twoflower, and this was the result.

Manly the man suddenly taking a leap at Howl’s wife, who he seemed to be blaming for his problems.

Now, there were several things Rincewind could and normally would have done, but, he would later claim, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Howl’s bad attitude towards cowardice had rubbed off on him, and before he knew it, he’d jumped in his way, even as Howl threw himself in front of his wife.

And then they were fighting. Rincewind had never been the best fighter, always preferring running, but he knew how and when to punch; sadly, the man was rather strong.

He also hadn’t bothered to think of all the equipment that was standing around.

And so, suddenly, there was a loud thump, pain shot through Rincewind’s skull, and it all went black.

[*]It is an unfortunate habit of the human mind that it can only take so many life-changing revelations in a day, and so, what would normally have been quite the cause of commotion – the appearance of a demon – barely registered with the people.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As anybody would have been within ten minutes of meeting her.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]A realization Rincewind himself was having at the same moment; however, in contrast to Sophie, who felt a certain degree of admiration towards him for it, Rincewind was rather contemplating the possibility he might have gone insane, and not relishing this in the least.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]His confusion at this point growing because of the fact that he was actually glad to see Twoflower. Clearly walking around with Howl had unsettled his mind more than it already had been.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Just for the record, let it be stated here that, when it comes to actual wild animals, due to their nature actually making sense, this would have been the right course of action, since running away only triggers their desire to catch one. Not that Rincewind would have agreed.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return5%E2%80%9D)


	32. In Which An Old Friend Of Rincewind's Shows Up. Again.

**Ankh-Morpork – Unseen University**

“HOW CAN A DOOR JUST OPEN AND TAKE AWAY OUR ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN?”

“Archchancellor” Ponder Stibbons tried once more, “Hex is perfectly capable of doing the thinking without you shouting –“

“THE LIBRARIAN ONLY ATE ONE ENTIRE BUNCH OF BANANAS TODAY, HE IS THAT WORRIED –“

With the instincts one honed in a profession where a knife in one’s back was considered a promotion for someone else, he turned around.

The luggage stared at him. He stared back, then shrugged. “No idea” he told it.

The luggage moved on. 

**Vinchen – The Palace**

When Rincewind came to, it was to a sight that he continuously expected, unwelcome as it was.

“So it’s finally time?” he asked tiredly.

No. But we’ve known each other for so long I would have considered it highly impolite not to say Hello.

“Thank you” he told the skeleton, then sighed. “Who are you here for, then?”

He inclined his head towards something that appeared to be a puddle on the floor; Rincewind, who became suddenly very aware that Howl, Twoflower, Granny and Calcifer were standing around him, but that thankfully the crowd had cleared out of the room, asked himself how this must look to them all, but his reservations soon vanished when Twoflower said brightly, as always, “They assure me that Mr. Death is quite nice, only I can’t see or hear him, more’s the pity.”

“What happened?” he asked.

Sophie looked sheepish, an expression he was rather sure crossed her face rather seldom. “Well – I – I made sure all of this was completely unusable by the alchemists…”

“Turns out _completely unusable_ means pretty much melting down folk” Howl said.

“I didn’t mean to –“

“Of course you didn’t” Granny said firmly. “And it is no great loss. Really, you probably did them a favour; people shouldn’t taste blood, but I don’t think it would have been safe for him to stay here.” She sighed. “Always get messy, these sort of things.”

“Where’s Death gone?” Howl asked, but no one could answer his question satisfactorily.

* * *

Hah. He’d made it. He had known he’d make it. He was outside, he was free, and he was ready to start again.

He would rule, he just needed a little time –

Excuse me.

And all these fools, those who had dared oppose him, oh, they would see, he would make them see –

I do think you haven’t quite understood yet –

Yes, they would bleed, and then he and the Queen would rule forevermore –

About that – forever –

He stood still and stared when he realized he’d just run straight through a house.

As in, through the walls without using the door.

He stared down at himself and saw that his hands were slowly but surely growing transparent. “Oh no.”

I am afraid so. You had an unfortunate meeting with one of the chemicals form the laboratory. If it’s any consolation, the young lady didn’t mean it.

“Under no circumstances! I refused to accept this!”

You are far from the first –

“But I _absolutely_ refuse! I am Mauvais Vinchiers, the First Adviser –“

May I suggest that the tense you’re using is somewhat inappropriate now –

“I am not leaving!”

Funny, Death said, his bone face grinning impassively as always, they all say that.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

But nobody heard him.

Mauvais Vinchiers had already moved on, despite his protests.

* * *

“So” Granny declared, “That’s over and done with, thankfully.”

At least for now, Sophie thought. She knew ell enough that now came the hard part. The big happy ending was one thing, very nice of course, and _made_ everyone happy, but afterwards you had to roll up your sleeves and actually do the work to ensure things stayed that way, or got even better, and so many people balked at that. Not Sophie herself though, or Howl; much as he loved a dramatic exit, it just wasn’t the thing to be done.

She met Granny’s eyes and saw her own thoughts reflected back at her. It was strangely comforting.

“Let’s go”.

“Where?” Howl asked, genuinely curious.

“Young man” Granny managed to say, clearly deciding that she would be civil for Sophie’s sake if for nothing else, “There’s work to be done.”

Even Howl already knew better than to disagree.

* * *

The mob that, just such a short time ago, had seemed bent on going on a murderous rampage, were now subdued and confused, waiting outside the room.

Granny cleared her throat. “I am sad to say that he escaped through magical means.”

The man who’d argued that they probably should be allowed to lynch the First Adviser after all objected. “But we all saw him melt –“

A glare of Granny’s quickly shut him up.

“Now. You’ve been ruled over long enough; time someone who knows what they’re doing takes some responsibility around here.”

Sophie rather had the feeling that she’d already decided, and quite frankly, she agreed.

Yes, Vinchessa was just the woman for the job, and indeed, she stepped forward now, although really more because no one else was going so. “We could clean the castle up…”

“That would be a good idea. And I have been informed of a skeleton that needs to be buried as well.”

“How about I mop up –“

This time, the man had the good sense to not even finish his sentence. “Cleaning the room” Granny said with gravitas, “is indeed important, so get on with it!”

It was when they had scuttled[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)that Howl asked, “Why did you tell him that he escaped?”

“Doesn’t hurt to have a bogey man. Keeps people on their toes so they don’t grow lazy and complacent. Reminds them that their freedom has been earned, not gifted, and that it can be taken away again if they’re not careful enough.”

That, Sophie decided, sounded logical enough.

* * *

Cleaning, she’d always found, helped her put her mind in order, and soon she and the others were doing their best ton help the people of Vinchen – even Howl and Rincewind, who had surprisingly bonded for a moment over the fact that, since they were liberators, they should be allowed to have the day off; but neither Sophie nor any of their other companions had been impressed by their opinions, and so they were all helping out.

It was Sophie who came across the alchemists.

She had to admit that she had forgotten all about the alchemists. There had simply been too much going on, and it wasn’t as if they had been eager to help.

And so, it was a rather unpleasant surprised to find them in, as it turned out, their quarters, the more courageous ones huddled in the corners, while others were hiding under their beds.

Sophie had taken Twoflower with her to pick the locks she needed to open – no more locked doors in this castle, Granny was busy with Calcifer on another floor, having carefully observed Twoflower and decided she could pick locks as well – and Howl and somehow, Rincewind, had chosen to follow them instead of making themselves useful elsewhere.

Normally Sophie would have felt rather put out about that, buts she couldn’t deny that she rather liked having her husband near her after everything that had happened.

His presence, however, did not prevent her from being rather cross upon seeing the alchemists. “What do you call this, then?” she asked sternly.

One of them – she recognized the one who’d explained to them what they were doing here in the first place – stepped ever so slightly away from his corner and his colleagues. “We heard something going on, and so we naturally felt that it would be better to assess the situation –“

“You thought it would be better to hide” Sophie scolded him “I see. And you didn’t have the idea that you might come up and help?”

“My dear lady, we are alchemists, not wizard; our speciality is chemistry, not the complex political machineries of…”

He studied her, then fell silent.

“Well then” Sophie decided “You might as well come out now; you can help clean up around here.”

“And trust me” Howl piped up “You don’t want to cross Sophie on a day like this…”

Rincewind wisely chose to say nothing.

“Now, come on!” Twoflower tried to defuse the situation, smiling widely. “It’s a beautiful day! The people of Vinchen have been freed from tyranny and are now going to make their own decisions, and no one is going to eb executed just like that anymore… I even already saw a few of the former guards helping out!”

Sophie had noticed too. Apparently the trashing they had received had done them good, apart from the fact that they’d have to find new jobs, but then, there was so much to organize; they’d need watchmen, for one thing…

Not that Sophie expected to stay and oversee the whole thing, and neither, it seemed, die Granny, who’d used a quiet moment to tell her that it was high time “these people started doing tings for themselves”.

They’d have to get used to it one way or another, Sophie supposed.

Still, there were those alchemists in front of her not moving.

“Well!?”

They finally seemed to realize that their usual tactic of waiting and seeing what happened wouldn’t work this time around and started to move under Sophie’s glares.

“Well, that’s another group of people you have successfully bullied into doing your bidding” Howl told her. “Reminds me of our marriage.”

“You were the one who told me we should be living happily ever after.“

“And imagine that” he said, drawing her close with a dramatic flourish she couldn’t bring herself to mind, “I still intend to do just that. I jumped dimensions to get you back, didn’t I?”

She kissed him thoroughly when she realized he didn’t have a good answer.

* * *

Rincewind might not have had much personal experience with certain things, but he did at least have a theoretical knowledge of men and women, and more than anything, he usually recognized when people wanted to be alone[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)

And so, he took Twoflower by the elbow and dragged him out.

“I really don’t think –“

“Trust me” he said tiredly. “They haven’t had any time alone together since they found each other again.”

“Ah. Now that’s something different…”

He kept forgetting that Twoflower had actually succeeded in persuading someone to marry him.

* * *

“It does seem like there’s no more of that nonsense in the castle” Granny said with satisfaction. “Do you feel something, Calcifer?”

“No” he responded, still annoyed at how weak he was. Granted, he felt better than he had in Twoflower’s mind, but that was it.

At the same time, he was somewhat flattered – Mistress Weatherwax, a woman who had not even deigned calling him by his name, had not raised any objections to his company.

“And Sophie will have made sure of downstairs” she continued. “Mind, I don’t think that husband of hers will be of much use while she’s doing the work, but they _are_ married; I suppose she takes some pleasure in his company.”

Calcifer wisely chose not to comment. He was well aware that many of the arguments Howl and Sophie had were just a form of their courtship, and always stayed clear of them.

“At least we won’t have to worry about any of that, then. Although we do have to get you back home, of course. People need a place to belong. Otherwise they’d just be lost.”

* * *

It quickly became quite clear that the alchemist were as helpless when it came to mundane tasks as the former guards, but thankful, Vinchessa had taken charge.

Sophie, on the other hand, was starting to wonder what they were supposed to do now. Oh yes, there was a lot to clean up, but for the people of Vinchen; the people of this world; they faced other problems.

It was then that Twoflower came to speak to her. “Sophie? Those delightful alchemists have talked to me because – well, they’d rather not speak to you and Mistress Weatherwax –“

“Is that so” Granny, who’d walked up to them quietly, said. “Well?”

“They think they might have an idea how to get you home…”

Granny nodded, satisfied. “At least good for _something_ , then.”

Sophie wondered how to celebrate the occasion, then remembered something Howl’s nephew had shown her the last time they went to visit Wales.

She raised her hand and looked at Granny. “High five.”

[*]They did not, in fact, all say that, but he was aware humans found the phrase comforting.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]As indeed, most people will once things stop happening and things need to be done instead.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Mostly because he, too, rather preferred it if others were as far away from him as possible.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession: This entire story exists because I wanted Sophie and Granny Weatherwax to high five.


	33. In Which There Are Some Celebrations

“So you see, Ma’am, we rather think that if we recalibrate the malchelar –“

Toby Smug quickly stopped talking when he realized both Granny Weatherwax and Sophie were not in the least bit interested.

“Alright, so you’re saying you can take us back?”

“We think so.”

“Well then” Sophie decided “Get on with it. I’ll have a talk with my husband and the wizard here.”

Howl had a slight suspicion what Sophie might be up to. After RIncewind and Twoflower had left them alone, he had final been able to tell her everything– and if he’d made himself out to ahev been a little more heroic and practical than he actually was, it didn’t matter in the slightest, since she probably hadn’t believed half his stories anyway – and naturally, he had also managed Rincewind’s and Megan’s meeting.

He had learned early on in their relationship – really, rather back when she’d still been an old woman cleaning his castle against his will – that it would do no good to keep things from his wife. She’d find out, one way or the other.

Sophie, to his surprise, had rather been highly interested in Rincewind’s… fascination with his sister. “And, does she like him too?”

“I thought _you_ didn’t like Megan” he reminded her.

“I am, not terribly fond of her” Sophie said haughtily, which, he was very aware, concealed the deep distrust between her and his sister – on Sophie’s side because she couldn’t understand a mindset that would insist that things like the eldest of three being unlucky belonged in fairy tales for children, and on Megan’s because until Sophie showed up she had never quite given up the hope that he might eventually return to Wales and get a job she deemed respectable. “But, see it this way – if she got a husband, she’d be busy and not nag at you all the time when we went to see our nephew and niece.”

Howl didn’t point out that one, Sophie herself had always been a nagger, and two, she still hadn’t grasped that people didn’t need be married nowadays, at least not where he came from; it simply wasn’t worth it. “And you think Rincewind would be a good one?”

She waved a hand in the air. “Good husbands are overrated. I happen to have a terribl one, and he makes me very happy.”

And that had been her last word.

So it was no surprise to him that Sophie was now studying Ricnewind – and probably not finding much to attract any woman, but then, Megan had always had weird tastes, remembering his former brother-in-law – and said, “We’ll be going soon.”

“I know” Rincewind said, sounding surprisingly downcast, and even more bafflingly, Howl suddenly became aware that he felt the same. Somehow, he’d become fond of the wizzard; must be all the times he’d swept in and saved him. It was hard not to grow attached, when you did something like that. After all, it was one of the reasons he had fallen for Sophie.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“However, Howl tells me you’ve been a tremendous help.”

“Actually –“ he tried to clarify that he had indeed done most of the work, but Sophie threw him a glance and he knew that he better stay silent. For now.

“And that you rather enjoyed Wales.”

Ricnewind actually blushed. “I – it was – it was – “ and then he seemed to surprised himself by asking, as if he wasn’t sure, “nice?”

Sophie nodded. “That’s all clear, then.”

Although Hoiwl wasn’t sure what exactly was suddenly so very clear –

But Sophie had already walked to a near door with a few decisive steps and drawn out the key. “We’ve earned that, I’d say.”

“Sophie, what –“

“Howl, you’ve said that our powers may not quite work, but that you can make Rincewind use spells, right?”

He nodded, since this seemed to be the best course of action.

“So this is what we’re going to do.”

He knew well enough that, when she used this tone of voice, not all the angels in Heaven could keep her from doing what she wanted.

“Howl, I assume you still know by heart how you figured out the door in the castle?”

As if he would forget that “Of course. It took meticulous research, and finally, after years of toiling I –“

“Yes, yes. Now” she turned back to Rincewind “Howl’s going to explain what he did, and you’ll use the spell on the key, and when it’s done, you’ll be able to open a door to Wales.”

To say that Rincewind looked sceptical would have been an understatement[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)

“Trust me, it’s all going to work out.”

If anything, Ricnewind looked even less convinced than before, but had the good sense to realize that he would ‘t be able to say no to Sophie either.

In truth, Howl wasn’t quite sure this would work, but if anyone could do it through sheer determination, it was his wife so he stood up straight. “Once more onto the breech, then, Rincewind, my noble friend –“

“What makes you think” he asked tiredly “That I ever got down?”

* * *

While part of him was rather surprisingly sad that Howl and Sophie and the others would leave – really, shouldn’t he have been relieved? – he was rather glad that, after today, he wouldn’t use one of those spells again. He could tell how easily one could get use to actually being able to properly use magic, and then what? One started believing things were easy, because sometimes, when you did that, they were, and then you might eventually start seeing difficult things as easy too, and that was when all the trouble started.

The key was glowing in his palm; Howl and Sophie were somewhat surprised until he explained the colour.

“Good. Means it worked.”

How Sophie had figured that out, he had no idea, but he wasn’t about to ask.

“Now” she began sternly, and he resigned himself to be reprimanded until he realized she was talking to the key. “You are to bring Rincewind to Wales, whenever he pleases, and none of that bad luck – that would just be impolite.”

Rincewind knew much better than to doubt that objects could be alive and never move or speak or give a sign they were,[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D) and so he simply decided to accept what she was doing, especially because he saw a single drop of sweat run down from her brow, and he felt strangely touched that she should exert herself for him. So few people had ever done so before.

* * *

The door opened and Granny and Vinchessa entered, followed by Calcifer and Twoflower. “That should be it for the castle, then” Granny said, satisfied.

Sophie was glad. The people deserved a new beginning, and getting rid of all those dirty benches in the cells and closing them for good, cleaning up the place, burying the emperor – all of those were important steps.

Other than that, however, it really was time for them to leave.

“And once this has worked” Granny decided, nodding towards the alchemists who were working diligently, if only out of fear that they would have to bear consequences for never doing anything against the First Adviser “we get rid of all this as well.”

But then, the people hadn’t done so, either. Maybe a clean slate was the best thing for all concerned. After all, without years of crazy emperors and Mauvais Vinchiers, who knew what would have happened?

Yes, Vinchen was about to start anew, but without them.

“I don’t know” Vinchessa said with an expression that Sophie decided she didn’t like, “It might give us an advantage…”

“Over whom?” Granny asked sharply.

“I just meant –“

“I know what you meant. And that you mean it for the best. But that’s just the thing; people start out like this, they think they’ll be safer because they are stronger, and then they begin looking down at those who don’t have the same things they do, and eventually, they start treating those people like things, and that’s when all the trouble begins.”

Vinchessa considered her words, then, finally, although reluctantly, nodded. “I can see what you mean.”

“Good. These people are going home afterwards anyway.”

In fact, one of the reasons the alchemists had so quickly and happily agreed to their plan was that they had been reassured that they’d be sent home the second they were done. Some of them had even lost track of how long they had been there.

Like Granny had said. Step on people long enough, they stay down out of habit.

Not all of them, though. Vinchessa was apparently more than ready to do whatever needed to be done; and Sophie really hoped that everything would work out fine.

* * *

The work wasn’t yet done, but the people of Vinchen wanted to celebrate, despite their poverty, and as Howl was never one to say no to a party, Sophie correctly guessed what would happen.

With Rincewind’s somewhat reluctant help (she quickly realized she’d never seen a wizard who so very much did not care for magic) Howl quickly had the place in front of the palace (Granny had declared the building itself not fit for a celebration, telling Sophie “If I were them I’d put it down, but we’ll see what they decide on”) into a fit space for a celebration.

And of course he couldn’t resist the temptation to make a big speech.

“People of Vinchen!” he declared, getting up from his seat next to Sophie and holding up his cup (of water; they didn’t have any other beverages, but it seemed like every citizen had chimed in with the food). “I am proud to say that today you threw off the shackles of tyranny that had kept you feathered down for centuries...”[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

Sophie didn’t really listen, sine tad content to bask in her husband’s presence and watch the people.

Granny was sat across from her, watching Howl rather suspiciously. At the same time, though, there was something like a reluctant fondness that Sophie remembered only too well from when she had first entered the castle as an old lady.

Calcifer was a little distance away, happily blazing through several logs a few people had brought over once they had realized he wasn’t dangerous and anyway, he’d helped out, and looked as happy as he could be.

Rincewind and Twoflower had ended up sitting next to each other; the later was busy happily chattering away, while the wizard appeared rather surprised at the chain of events that had led to him actually being fed and no one being angry at him. Sophie was rather sure he didn’t hear one word out of ten Twoflower was saying. She wasn’t too upset at not being close enough to understand anything; Twoflower, much as she appreciated what he had done and that he’d always been helpful, could be a bit tiring.

Howl was still soliloquizing; she caught Vinchessa’s eyes and shrugged, but she, next to her daughter, seemed happy as she could be, as indeed all the other citizens of Vinchen did as well.

They were already talking about tearing down the Wall so they could finally trade with other cities and get out now and then. Would do them good, really.

Yes, Sophie decided as they sat down and celebrated under the stars, it had been quite a successful day. 

[*]Deep down, he was very aware that it was indeed, if at all, at the very bottom of the list of the actual excellent reasons he had done so, but admitting it would have been no fun, would it.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Mostly because Rincewind had learned early on that, when good things happened to him, it meant that bad things were around the corner, waiting for him to relax. If he had known Sophie Hatter better, he might have known that she wouldn’t allow them any closer, but he didn’t have enough experience in that regard.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]It’s the same with some people.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Not that he knew exactly, but that had never kept Howl from jumping to conclusions.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)


	34. In Which Our Story Comes To An End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my friends, at long last the story I've spent the most time on - ever - has come to an end. Enjoy!

**Vinchen**

A few days later, the alchemists claimed that they had finally repaired all the damage Sophie had done (although, after another glare from Granny, they were careful to use a different wording).

It was time to go home.

VInchen was slowly but surely coming awake and alive; children were loudly playing in the streets, people were cleaning up their houses, doing their best to make them hospitable, and the demolition of the Wall had begone, those who had spent years guarding it being the first among those to volunteer.

Yes, things were changing, and it was time for them to fog and leave them to struggle through like everyone else.

When the time came – they hadn’t told anyone but Granny and Vinchessa, so there wouldn’t be a crowd to see them off – she drew the older witch to the side and tried to say something, although she wasn’t quite sure what.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote1%E2%80%9D)

“I’ve been talking to Vinchessa, and a few of the other ones” Granny thankfully spared her from having to. “They’ll make sure things run smoothly, and I’ve promised to eventually send over a witch. shouldn’t be too hard; I’ll contact Miss Tick, she’ll know who’s right for this part of the world. I’ve also advised them to get in contact with Ankh-Morpork; don’t much like city life myself, but they can be useful on occasion.”

It all sounded rather good, and Sophie was glad that Vinchen seemed to be in good hands; but it still didn’t help her say what she wanted to.

“You’re sensible” Granny suddenly said and she felt that it was every bit the high praise that it was.

“Thank you. You’re…” she trailed off, unsure how to describe Granny Weatherwax.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote2%E2%80%9D)“Thank you” she finally repeated “For doing what needed to be done.”

Granny nodded, as if she had passed some kind of test. “That’s what we witches are here for. We see things as they are, and if we can, we help.”

She could only agree.

“That husband of yours” Granny said, nodding towards where Howl was apparently holding a lecture in front of Rincewind and Twoflower.

“Oh, I know he’s horrible” she assured her.

“So you said, and so it appears to be. But he also loves you, and that makes up for a lot, in my experience.”

She blushed lightly.

Calcifer came floating near them. “Mistress Weatherwax.”

“Calcifer. I suppose, from all demons I have ever met, you’ve been the best one… not that this means a lot, mind. But you can be trusted in an emergency.”

“I do my best” he said, trying and failing not to appear flattered.

Sophie glanced in Howl’s direction, but he was still occupied.

* * *

“Alas” Howl said, “Now, my brother-in-arm, my comrade, my – yes I shall use this sacred and wonderful word – friend – it is time to part; but, if everything works as Sophie expected it will, we might meet again one wonderful day.”

Even Rincewind was at this point too used to him to react in any way, shape or form, but that didn’t stop Twoflower from staring happily at him and listening raptly to every word.

He probably thought every person in Wales, or that other world Howl had chosen at his abode, talked like this when bidding someone goodbye and would write another book about it; at least RIncewind didn’t think that would get him in trouble, not with everything that ha happened.

“And what” Howl said suddenly,” Are your plans now?”

If he was being honest, he had dwelt a lot on the key he had been given; but at the same time, he’d attempted not to make himself hope anything.

Not that it had helped much.

And whenever Rincewind hoped for the best…

On the other hand, Sophie had seemed so sure that this time, nothing would happen, and Sophie seemed to be the kind of person who simply didn’t allow bad luck to happen, at least she’d tried…

Maybe they could have coffee again…

“Rincewind?” Twoflower began “I think Howl would like an answer to his question.”

He, however, grimaced. “Actually, I don’t think I do. I know this look from my own face when it comes to…” he trailed off. “Well, whatever you do” he held out his hand. “Good luck, old chap.”

He shook it. “To you as well.” Then he hesitated, unsure how to proceed. Normally, at this point in time, something bad happened, and he never really had to say goodbye – if you didn’t count the first time he’d met Twoflower, and he still wasn’t certain he cared to remember that that well – so he finally finished with “Take care of one another?”

He hadn’t meant to phrase it as a question, but Howl threw his head back and laughed. “That’s all we never do – although Sophie would probably say she does it far more to me than I do to hr. Well, Rincewind, it’s been a blast.”

He couldn’t quite say that it had been.

But he also couldn’t quite say that it hadn’t.

“And thank you” he turned to Twoflower “for sticking by Sophie.”

“I was just helping out” Twoflower said modestly. “However, if you’ll excuse me…” and he bumbled off in Sophie’s direction, apparently intent to say goodbye to her as well.

Rincewind and Howl were left to stare at one another.

He cleared his throat, apparently suddenly embarrassed. “And hey… alright so I do have to say something after all… if you… I mean… if that key works and all that… Megan’s not too bad underneath it all, really. Sometimes, the exceptional can be taxing for those around them, and I am nothing if not exceptional, as you have undoubtedly noticed. What I mean to say is... I don’t want her or my nephew or niece to get hurt.”

It took Rincewind a moment to understand that puzzle, seeing as he had never before bene in this situation.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote3%E2%80%9D)Then he said, “Oh.”

“Yes, oh. Now, Sophie and Megan might not get along, but a word of warning: Sophie still considers them her family, and you wouldn’t want toc ross her when she’s angry.”

He was slightly confused whether Howl was threatening him with his powers or his wife, but simply nodded.

“Good. Then that’s cleared up, then” Howl said, soundings atisf8ied, and even a little relieved.

* * *

Twoflower was giving them all the affectionate farewell of an old friend, and Sophie supposed that after what they had been through together, he’d more or less earned it.

Not even Granny seemed annoyed at his effusiveness, proving he’d indeed impressed her when they had been locked together in his mind with the Queen and Calcifer.

“It really was quite an adventure” he told Sophie, once more smiling brightly, “I shall have a lot to tell when I get back home.”

“So you’re leaving as well?”

He nodded. “I’ll accompany Rincewind to Ankh-Morpork though; he needs to get back to the University, and it will bee easier for me to find a ship that – “

The door burst. Sophie was ready to spring into action, but soon saw that it was a… piece of luggage? That had come in, running as fast as it could (a piece of luggage. With legs) towards Rincewind, who was studying it rather despondently. “You could have shown up sooner” he said. “Might have been some help.”

“Ah, Rincewind, don’t be like that” Twoflower said, patting the lid. “It’s faithful, you know that.”

There was a story behind this, of course; most likely many. But they were not Sophie’s stories, or Howl’s, or Calcifer’s, and it was high time they returned home.

After their talks, their last goodbyes were short and to the point.

Howl of course insisted on being the first to get through the door the alchemists had prepared; and he did so with one of his dramatic flourishes and a loud exclamation of “Sophie, I love you!!!”

She managed not to roll her eyes – she was, after all, a little concerned for him all the same.

She was the second one through, and she looked at each of their new friends in turn, Granny’s eye meeting her the last.

She nodded.

Sophie nodded back and stepped through the door.

A moment later, she was back in the castle and Howl laughed with delight and scooped her up onto his arms.

“We made it, old girl!”

They kissed; Calcifer, who appeared a moment after, complained that they could at least have waited to begin celebrating until he, too, was safe.

**Ingary**

They spent the afternoon making visits and promising everyone they were alright. Lettie and Martha of course had a million questions, which Sophie did her best to answer.

She and Howl never let go of each other’s hand.

* * *

That night, they were sitting in the kitchen of the castle.

Sophie looked at the door. “Do you think it could take us to other worlds as well?”

“According to Rincewind, yes. Why? Are you planning on running away?”

She smiled at him, having heard the fear in his voice despite his attempts to hide it. “No” she took his hand once more “I am exactly where I want to be.”

“That’s rather convenient, for you see, so am I”.

Their lips touched yet again.

**Discworld**

“Alright, so we’ll send a delegation to Ankh-Morpork –“

Vinchessa was realizing that she was quite good at organizing things, and what was more, that she greatly enjoyed doing so and helping her people and her city.

She smiled. Things were already looking up.

* * *

Granny was on her way back to Lancre. Really, all things considered; this had gone rather well. Another queen had been sent back, Vinchen was on its way, and Sophie and the others had made it home.

Sophie. Now, that was a proper witch, and make no mistake. She would have done any village proud, even with that husband and fire demon of hers. But Granny had always respected those who knew where they belonged, and she wasn’t going to stop any time soon.

And so she smiled in the darkness as she continued through the woods.

* * *

Rincewind and Twoflower were walking down the street towards Ankh-Morpork, the luggage following.

“Rincewind?” Twoflower eventually asked.

“Yes?”

“What exactly happened back there?”

“If I knew” he sighed, “I think I would still consider it best for all our sanities not to tell you.”

**Discworld – still?**

On his first night back at the University, Rincewind did something he normally abhorred doing.

He took a chance.

He used the key on the room to his chamber despite the protesting sounds the luggage made.

He closed his eyes before throwing it open.

“Oh, Mr. Rincewind! Did I forget to look the door again? I was just about to have a nightcap. Would you join me?”

And a small part of Rincewind, a part that was so miniscule he himself wasn’t even aware of its existence, began to believe in luck.

**Dunmanifestin – The Home Of the Gods**

_The Gods had seen and experienced many firsts in their immortal lives, in fact, so many that most would have been excused to simply think there weren’t any more of them around._

_They would have been wrong, however._

_For, for the very first time, Fate had just yielded the game to the Lady with a sigh._

_Her green eyes sparkled as she smiled the familiar smile, unyielding, unchanging, and completely at peace._

* * *

Great A’Tuin is flying through space. It is thinking, it is thinking all the time, but the thoughts are slow thoughts, and take long.

No one really knows what A’Tuin is thinking about, or whether the four elephants on which backs the Discworld is lying are thinkers as well.

All of this is uncertain.

What is certain, however, is that there are more worlds than one. And not all are flat…

What is most important to know is that those worlds are connected, because deep down, everything is. No man is an island. There are points where worlds touch and worlds collide and even communicate, even though many people aren’t aware of it.

And sometimes, things want to go from one world to the other for a very specific and bad reason, and that’s when the trouble starts.

But from time to time – not often, but not seldom either, simply out of chance, or luck, or fate – people who need to meet connect, and then they do what needs to be done, and things turn out alright.

And that is more than enough to ask for, in any world – would probably Great A’tuin say, if it were one of his thoughts passing through his mind.[[*]](%E2%80%9C#footnote4%E2%80%9D)

[*]This often happens in those cases where people feel instinctively that they should say something, but feel too much to be certain.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return1%E2%80%9D)  
[*]This was most likely due to their being rather a lot of ways to do so, and is a past time that many species and men and women of Discworld have undertaken at one time or another, although usually after they have made sure that Granny Weatherwax is nowhere in the vicinity, and especially not when it’s dark outside.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return2%E2%80%9D)  
[*]It could, in fact, be argued that he ha never stuck around anywhere long enough to even potentially be in this situation.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return3%E2%80%9D)  
[*]Which we still can’t be sure about. No one can.[[return]](%E2%80%9C#return4%E2%80%9D)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this crossover that turned out rather longer than I anticipated! Have a nice day!


End file.
